I haven't posted since December, which I suppose is good news as life is humming happily along now. For those of you new to me, my last thread and my history is here:
I have been for the most part, out of communication with STBXH since last October (when he asked for the D and I returned the wedding ring) until very recently. I refiled the S agreement as a D in Oct, and have been waiting and waiting and waiting for STBXH to file his paperwork since then. All that was required was STBXH to file financial disclosures, and for us to meet to make an agreement and sign off for D. STBXH's proposal has been that I keep the house, he keeps the business. H has an inexperienced flaky lawyer which has not helped matters - betweeen the two of them, I still know more about the law on my own. Too bad I have decided not to fight STBXH on anything (even though the house was mine before we M), I could have made out I suppose if I had wanted to push. Not what I want now, though, I just want to be done. And today, that appears to be the plan. We are meeting at the L's at 4 pm today.
I have been working a lot at work (all good), and started dating last month. I have been seeing a wonderful man at my church who adores me, is generous and loving, growing and learning too, fun to be around. We shall see how things develop. I am laughing a lot, and it makes me feel 20 again to be with him. His ex laft him after 24 years of M and he is still reeling a bit from that, as he thought they had a good M, beautiful children (now grown) and 3 years later (after giving the ex the house, business, etc. so she would be OK) his is now is in a place of "what's next?" It is actually very comforting to date a man who loved being M and would have been committed forever - that is a new "type" of guy to me, obviously. I think we both still have some healing to do, even these years later, and yet it is wonderful to have compatible company on the journey.
For those of you who are wondering what happened for me, I stood for my M for 2 years, and became deeply committed to my spiritual growth and to making a great life for myself with or without H. I am a coach, and supported two other women in my life (one where the H had an A) to successful recommitments to their M's in the face of deep challenges. I wanted my M to work out, and I am truly happy that I gave it the time, energy and effort that I did. And, when I took off the wedding rings, and returned them to H, when H told me he did not want our M and I thanked him for our M and returned the ring, well I was done. Complete. I grieved, and I was relieved, all of it. But I let go. I knew in my heart if I ever did that, there would be no going back, which is a big piece of why I gave it everything I had.
The recent news about what has happened with STBXH was all due to me. I finally realized that waiting for STBXH to get his act together was not working for me. When taxes came, I am able to file as M filing S, and I get a small tax refund. H on the other hand, will owe $17,000. Filing together, he would save $7,000 - $10,000. H was flipping (according to the tax guy). I took the bull by the horns, called H, explained to him that I was unhappy the D papers had not been completed by him and his L. That it is my job to look after me now. That I would file taxes separately, but would consider an amendment to filing jointly AFTER the D papers were completed, if there were be no liability or negative ramifications for me regarding his tax debt. He has been jumping since then (which was only last Friday) and has called me 4 times since then, and arranged the meeting with the L's today. We still don't have all of the financial disclosures, but should have them in our hands today. My L knows I have no desire to fight STBXH, but we are clear we deserve full disclosure so as to make an informed decision.
STBXH continues to lie, even about small things. I am not charmed or unnecessarily "polite" with him anymore, so I ask very direct questions and catch these lies now. My intuition is working very well, I am very grounded. It will be interesting to see what it is like to see STBXH today in the L's office, after all this time.
I have some of STBXH's final requests (of stuff he wanted) in the back of my car. A saw, a back pack, his soccer bag, some mirrors with frames that he made. I am so releievd these final things are going. In the last 2 months, I have handled all the mail, and other misc. reminders so the house and garage seem to be clear of all of the unwelcome remnants of STBXH now. I even threw photos away (not all of them) but I usually save everything and I didn't want all of it this time. I am clearing, readying for a new life. It felt good. I have saved a few things in a box - my vision board in particular I was not ready to dismantle and throw out, as it was more symbolic of who I am, and what I am committed to in life, even though at the time it was created with the return of STBXH in mind.
So today will be a big day. I will be seeing STBXH in the L's office, hopefully to sign D papers. I am getting a haircut at noon, plan to get dressed and look my beautiful best today.
Following the L's office, I am going to Maundy Thursday services at my church. Very symbolic timing for me, this Easter week. Maundy Thursday services are about cleansing one's past. Then of course, Easter is about new beginnings, new life.
My D's are both coming up for the weekend, and a few friends will be coming to Easter brunch at our house. My foster D has set a theme for a "fantasy" weekend together, and we are making a movie together in the back yard about bunnies I am told, in addition to other fun and games planned. We will be the bunnies :-). New guy in my life is going to meet the D's and BBQ for all of us. The D's are thrilled that I am happy and moving on and are very excited to know I am dating. Me too.
Think good thoughts for me today. I miss my friends here and think of many of you often.
With love, PL
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Good luck and careful with dating. It sounds like it is probably a bit early for both of you. Not necessarily bad, just keep in mind that whatever it brings, it is your choice whether to stay with it or not. Just remember that if you start getting those victim feelings at some point. Not to be a downer, lol. More of a boy scout message: be prepared. There will be weirdness with the dating stuff, no way around it. But it is weirdness by choice — embrace it.
