he's only 29 but already having a mid-life crisis. we've been married almost 5 years and together for 10. we always had a really great relationship until about 2 months ago. this is when he decided his band is more important than i am. and that when he goes on the road with the band he should be able to sleep with as many women as he wants. he already put our house up for sale b/c he said he doesn't want anymore responsibilities in life and he would be happier living on a tour bus.
2 days ago he moved out. he said this will give him the chance to figure out what he wants. he's not sure he wants a divorce quite yet but said he's not in love with "us" anymore. he promised me he hasn't cheated but that he has wanted to. and he's trying to do the right thing by leaving me before that happens. (gee thanks!)
his entire family is on my side and thinks he's being a child. besides what's happening between us he is shirking his responsibilities at work, which is his family business. they are a very tight knit family but were ready to fire him for doing too much band business at work.
after reading michelle's book and talking to one of the counselors my head is a little clearer. i've stopped the constant crying and begging and pleading. but i am still miserable. waiting around for him to figure out what he wants is driving me crazy!! i've tried to get involved with some new hobbies and my friends are being really supportive but unfortunately don't live in the same state as me. i moved to new york for him and all of our friends are really his friends.
part of me just wants to give up and move. i don't feel like i should stay in a relationship that makes me feel so bad about myself. the other part of me is freaking out thinking about how i can't live without him.
life is just not fair. i'm so lost right now.
Me: 31 H: 29 T: 10 yrs M: 4 1/2 yrs 01/08: MLC 03/17/08: H moved out no kids 3 dogs
he promised me he hasn't cheated but that he has wanted to. and he's trying to do the right thing by leaving me before that happens. (gee thanks!)
Gee, what a nice guy. These MLCers will do or say anything to make themselves not look bad. Guess what? The guilt will still get to him.
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2 days ago he moved out. he said this will give him the chance to figure out what he wants
Now use this time to work on YOU. Were you walking on eggshells around him the last couple of months? That has happened to a lot of us. If you were, as crazy as it sounds, be thankful you don't have to live with the person that he is now. He is not the same person, nope, the old H has been snatched by an alien and replaced with a selfish look a like.
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his entire family is on my side and thinks he's being a child.
Be thankful for this. But don't be surprised if some of them start to lean his way. Blood is thicker than water. My H's family was ALL on my side in the beginning, but some of them in time started to stick by his side even though they know what he is doing is wrong. Again, blood is thicker than water.
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besides what's happening between us he is shirking his responsibilities at work, which is his family business.
Yep, same here. My H also works for a family run business. When he left he told me that he didn't like his job anymore. It used to be such a passion of his.
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after reading michelle's book and talking to one of the counselors my head is a little clearer. i've stopped the constant crying and begging and pleading.
Good, you are on a good start.
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but i am still miserable. waiting around for him to figure out what he wants is driving me crazy!! i've tried to get involved with some new hobbies and my friends are being really supportive but unfortunately don't live in the same state as me. i moved to new york for him and all of our friends are really his friends.
I think a lot of us struggle with this. Standing for your M shouldn't be the same as waiting around. Use this time to find yourself again and grow. Do things that you always wanted to do. If you don't mind me asking, I am also from NY. What part are you from? I am in the lower Hudson Valley area.
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part of me just wants to give up and move. i don't feel like i should stay in a relationship that makes me feel so bad about myself. the other part of me is freaking out thinking about how i can't live without him.
Only you can make this decision on whether you want to stand or not. You will know when you are truly done, and with you coming here, it shows you are not.
MLC unfortunately can take years. Some quicker than others. Many of us have been around here for a couple of years are more. It's a long rollercoaster ride.
Come here to vent, cry, etc. You will find a wealth of support here.
What else can you tell us about your sitch? Do you have kids? Do you work?
I too am so sorry you find yourself here but you have come to the most supportive people you will find.
Make sure that whatever you do or decide that you TAKE YOUR TIME and do it for YOU, not hoping for any kind of reaction from your H. There is no rush and you can't trust any of your own emotions or feelings right now. Whatever you do DON'T GO ON GUT INSTINCT - those guts are in turmoil and are not reliable.
I'm glad to hear you have found some new hobbies. Throw yourself wholeheartedly into those. Are they hobbies that involve other people? If not, do you belong to a church? Social group? Civic group? Try to find something to do that there are a lot of women involved in. Right now you need girlfriends more than anything. Women can be mean and catty to each other but we are also an amazing support group when one of our friends (new or old) is hurting.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
thanks for the support! it helps to know you're not the only person in the world going through this.
i live on long island, work in queens. even though some days it feels impossible to get out of bed, once i get to work i'm usually ok. 99% of the people i work with are older men and they don't deal well with a weepy crying woman. so i know when i'm here i have to keep it together.
no kids but we have 3 dogs. unconditional love!! dogs are the best for that
i've been trying the 180 approach lately. just doing the exact opposite of whatever i would've normally done. it seems to be working a little. i told him i found an apartment and was looking for a job in phoenix (where my best friend lives) and he was extremely surprised. i don't think he has thought this all the way through and didn't realize that i might not be around anymore. i stopped arguing with him and trying to convince him to change his mind. so now we are civil at least. he's just very selfish and immature right now. and he's never been like that. i think you're right...the original H has been abducted by aliens!
my latest dilema is that last night i lost my mind for a minute and hacked into his emails. (we used to share an account so i still know the password). i found an email from yesterday to a girl that i know for sure is just a friend but not a good friend. she had just sent a friendly how are you email to which he responded "i'm in the middle of leaving my girl, it's alot of drama i don't need to deal with right now." i'm pissed for two reasons. first, we agreed we wouldn't talk about this to anyone that wasn't necessary and seeing as how she isn't a good friend of his i don't think he should be announcing our situation to her. second, if he has indeed left me it would be nice if he told me about it instead of some random person. now i'm hurt and pissed and i can't even say anything to him b/c i'm not about to tell him i looked at his emails. i guess it's my fault for looking in the first place. i know that it wasn't right. i was thinking of coming up with a story so that i could ask him about it without letting him know i looked at his emails. but i'm thinking maybe i should just drop it and move on.
Me: 31 H: 29 T: 10 yrs M: 4 1/2 yrs 01/08: MLC 03/17/08: H moved out no kids 3 dogs
thank you! i can tell everyone here seems really great.
i know i'm not supposed to follow my gut instincts but it's sooooo hard, as i'm sure you know.
unfortunately the activities i've gotten into don't really involve other people. i'm kind of bad company right now and a little insecure b/c of all this. so i'm afraid i'll have a breakdown in front of a group of new people and look like an idiot! i know i need to try though.
good luck with your situation. i wish i had advice to contribute but this is all new to me so i'm just sucking up everyone else's.
Me: 31 H: 29 T: 10 yrs M: 4 1/2 yrs 01/08: MLC 03/17/08: H moved out no kids 3 dogs
Your H is going to look for anyone to tell him what he is doing is ok. These other people will not know the truth, and may even encourage him to move on. It's par for the course. These MLCers tend to make it sound to others that they have just been miserable for years in their M and get other people to help get them out.
They like to play the victim.
And usually we are the last ones to find out just how "miserable" they were in the M. If they were really miserable all those years, they would of left a long time ago.
They rewrite history and become pretty talented at doing so.
I know it's hard, and I still slip sometimes too, but try not to snoop. It will just hurt you.
My advice is don't tell him what you found. Just let it go for now. He will just become defensive and angry.
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i wish i had advice to contribute but this is all new to me so i'm just sucking up everyone else's.
There is nothing wrong with that. Just listen and learn. In time you will be able to give advice out. But don't be afraid to join in on conversations on other threads. You will soon realize so many similarities in everyone's sitch.
You hang in there! Absorb all the support and advice that everyone here has to give. You will eventually find a more settled place in your life and feel like you can give support and advice back. That's why we are all here.
Keep posting your feelings and thoughts here so you don't spew them out at your H and push him further away.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
i had to see him for the first time last night since he moved out. and in order to avoid any relationship talk all i could do was say nothing. which, of course, he viewed as depression/me hating him/me being pathetic/etc... then just when i thought he was leaving and i could wallow and cry by myself he decided to stay at home for the night. and he even slept in the same bed with me. so that meant i had to keep myself together until today when i totally lost it at work!
what is the point of him moving out to figure himself out if he goes back and forth? plus he just bought a $1000 mattress for his apt which makes me think he has already made his decision and just isn't telling me yet.
he said he's going to stay at his apt for the next 2 nights to figure everything out and that we should talk on sunday to discuss everything. given his attitude, stubborness, and complete lack of emotion lately i can't imagine that sunday is going to bring me good news. and how can he make such a major life decision in two days??!!
i can't get the knot out of my stomach thinking about sunday. if he has already made a decision i wish he would just tell me already. i can't eat or think straight. i'm having major anxiety and none of the therapists i've called are taking new patients or have even called me back. i even had one hang up on me!!
have any anti-anxiety advice??
Me: 31 H: 29 T: 10 yrs M: 4 1/2 yrs 01/08: MLC 03/17/08: H moved out no kids 3 dogs
Your in the eye of the storm right now so it's a matter of taking each hour/day at a time.
have you tried any herbal stress relievers- theres a product here in the uk called rescue remedy-Ask the pharmacist to recommend something
You could talk to your family doctor to see if they could recommend something to get you through the worst of it, if you,re not sleeping they may give you something short term that will help-this madness is easier to deal with if you can manage a few hours sleep
The most thing that helped me was walking-the more anxious I was the faster i walked- I covered miles night and day.
The knot in your stomach will come and go -it will get easier as you adapt. It will pass.
If your not ready to talk on Sunday-tell him you need time and space-it's very difficult because you want to see him but not as he is at the moment.
Can you go and visit some family/friends for a few days-be around people who love you
Understand this Hope-It's not you- it's all about him and until it runs it's course you need to take care of yourself
Set yourself goals for each day-very basic for now but make a list ie. get out of bed get dressed walk the dogs etc... you know what I mean - keep it simple and basic and tick each thing of as you do it.
Over here in the uk we have a 24hour helpline called the samaritians-do a google search for something similar in the states-you might not need them but it's good to have a number handy when you feel you're in crisis-they will call you back if you give them your number.
I admire you for going to work-good on you-you are obviously a strong woman which tells me you'll come through this and know this - you'll be a better person for it-it doesn't feel like it now but it will honey
