He also said 'Peace comes before Understanding'. In fact, we may never fully understand this whole thing. But we WILL find peace.
I am really hoping you posted this as an informative line for newbies and that you are not just now figuring this one out for yourself.
Understanding it is not possible. It takes irrational thought to understand irrational actions. If I ever do get to a point where I think I understand it, I will seek therapy that very day.
That is the goal Frank, finding Peace for ourselves. Part of finding that peace is the ability to accept that we don't have to understand everything and we will still be ok.
Give the lexapro time. As Ian said, it will level you out better as it gets integrated into your system.
Glad you continue with the Divorce Care group. The meetings are good for you I'm sure, but the contacts you conceivably make there are the really strong value in it. You need someone(s) close to you who can relate to what you're going through.
Quote:
More to the point he got me to see that we were living in 'little things' all the time.
This is one of your greatest challenges right now. It's BEEN a problem yes, because your wife has not given you reason to feel as though you were safe and secure in the relationship, particularly over the last ten years or so.
It's a challenge now because of that part of you inside that insists that the two of you could make this work. Any time she's nice (or at least not indifferent/angry) your mind sees the potential there. Then she lets loose with another of her irrational thoughts that signal the end of the marriage and you crash again. Too much focus on the little things Frank. See the bigger picture, see and be honest with yourself about where this thing is headed right now.
Ian is right about peace being your primary goal right now. Processing her leaving and the marriage ending is a long and ongoing thing. Fortunately it's also something that rewards as you go. Each step along the way you benefit from the improved peace that you experience.
Again, the message is simple.
Take care of Frank and his daughters.
Take care of your career and the other intangibles.
Realize that nothing your wife does at this point requires much of a response from you.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
It takes irrational thought to understand irrational actions. If I ever do get to a point where I think I understand it, I will seek therapy that very day.
Excellent point, Ian. I agree wholeheartedly!
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
where you're ever wondering if the other person is going to leave you. Ever.
thanks for posting this Frank, as I look back at the months before the final S, I can see how badly I was grasping at straws, how desperately I was holding onto H's shirt tail as he flip flopped and changed radically of moods.
No, it should'be be like that at all. Glad you found that D group, I will start looking for one near my area.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I took a quiz on the Lexapro website to determine if you had clinical depression. I scored in the 'severe depression' range and the 'high anxiety' range. It was a surprise to me.
I guess my counselor was right, I wasn't 'ok'. Outwardly I was functioning but inside I was falling apart.
I guess for me, I can't understand how my W couldn't see that - or if she did why didn't she do something? Worse, how can a person bail on someone who is asking them for help? I guess I know the answer.
Well, I'm taking care of myself now. I need to do this for my kids sake. They deserve a Dad who is together again.
your W did see it. you can't do anything for someone when you are bent yourself.
I posted that I was leaving a while ago.... I meant it then, but am over it now. I am back, and you are a huge part of it. I am obiviously not as avaliable anymore as I was, on the phone, but I am still here for you.
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
Anxiety and Depression are the two classic reactions to martial sucker-punches and bombs.
You might want to speak to your counselor about being treated for depression, it's harder to lick than anxiety.
Usually good Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy combined with meds has the best results.
There's a great book called Authentic Happiness by a Cognitive Behavioral researcher that has a lot of good stuff in it about disputing negative thoughts/beliefs.
Well oddness continues. The neighbor who W is supposed to stay at their house hasn't been able to get their travel plans to work so W will be spending Easter day at home. So she told me she is going to have her 'brunch' here.
It wasn't clear is I was 'invited'.
Once again a simple discussion about who was providing the morning easter baskets turned into an argument. In our last discussion I had said that since she wouldn't be here I would provide them and she would do her brunch. Today I asked if I should still do that and she was 'Well I ALWAYS do that and I was going to when they came over for brunch!'. ok, then I guess we don't need to give them TWO if they'll only be here at the house.
Anyway, I've been listening to 'The Power of Now' and one thing he speaks about is that we all have some inner hurt that manifests itself as the 'alien' when we've reached a peak of pain in our life. I'm doing my best to focus on what I'm doing at the moment and trying not to focus on her, or the future, or the past. I'm learning from the past but letting it go.
I'm doing my best to focus on what I'm doing at the moment and trying not to focus on her, or the future, or the past. I'm learning from the past but letting it go.
This is more like it , Its the very best thing you can do.
