For those of you who do not know me, as Mick Jagger said, please allow me to introduce myself.
My W and I were separated for 6 months, she filed for divorce and I DBed my ass off. After a lot of hardwork and changes, W and I started dating. Things got a bit hot and heavy and to make a long story short, I moved back into our home about 2 weeks ago.
I am finding "piecing" to be a bit challenging and I am open to advice from those with experience.
Here is where we are....
1. In terms of our relationship, I am a few steps ahead of W. I told her I was fully committed to our marriage for life, she says she is almost there.
2. We have been getting along really well. Playing tennis, doing dinners and lunches, lots of 2nd honeymoon stuff.
3. When we have a few drinks, we are all over each other. We started having sex again.
4. W was dating a guy during our separation. She said they never had sex (who knows), but said that he is a loser and a buffoon. Her friends confirmed these facts. I think they still keep in touch due to business reasons, personally I could care less - no competition.
5. A friend of Ws recently confronted me and said that my W does not understand me and that if we should separate again, she wants me. I told her that I was committed to my marriage, but if my W was not, I was open to a relationship with this woman. Wow!
6. W is a bit unpredictable right now. One day she says she loves me 10 times, the next day zero.
7. We are heading to the Caribbean for a 1 week vacation on 3/31. Should be a lot of fun!
8. W hates relationship talk. Drives her nuts. I must stop doing it.
9. W hates text messages. I have stopped doing that.
10. I have whipped our house back into shape. It was a mess after me being away for 6 months.
11. I am reconncecting with our daughter. Harder than reconnecting with her mom!
I continue to GAL, DB and give W lots of space.
I am open to advice, I have only been home about 2 weeks and I do not want to F this up!
Fish, What is the challenging piece? You two sound like you are doing great. I would recommend reading the best introduction and primer on Piecing that I've seen. It is on Illuminata's thread.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Not sure... after being away from home for 6 months, I get this feeling like a bomb could drop at any moment.
Also concerned that W says that she is not ready to fully recommit to the relationship for life. When I tell her that I would crash at a local (very) nice hotel until 4/1, she says no I don't want you to leave.
I guess this is all normal sh*t.
Overall, things are very good. You get a little insecure after getting "tossed" and then coming back.
Fish, Piecing is hard. I thought it would be a cake walk after our separation. It seems the WAS waivers back and forth....and I have also found myself waivering. It is hard to trust again. I think we wait for the next bomb to drop because we don't fully trust them yet. We want to be ready if it happens again.
From what I have learned piecing takes time and patience. I think it is harder for me now because I am not as detached as I was when we were headed for D.
It sounds like for you things are heading in the right direction but your W wants to take it slow. Don't rush it for her. Don't smother her. Don't quit doing things for yourself....continue to GAL. Let the relationship talks come on her timeline. She probalby still feels guilty about things which is why she doesn't want to talk about it right now.
The trip sounds wonderful and should really give you two some time to connect. Just keep in mind that piecing takes time.
I feel like you just summarized by sitch perfectly. W waivers back and forth in terms of our future. One day she is making room for me in the closets, buying me clothes and planning trips to Paris. The next day, she questions her decision to have me back in her life. UGGGGH.
I think we had a major break through this morning.
I told W that if she would just let go, trust me and put 100% into our relationship, we would have an amazing life together. I told her that I have a lot of patience and would wait for her however long it would take. I told her that I also have doubts, but I am handling those doubts by putting blinders on and knowing that what I am doing is the best for us and our daugther. I then told W that I would respect whatever decision that she made and that clearly, I am not for everyone.
After that the ice melted!!
She hugged me, told me that she loved me and thanked me for my patience. She said that she would make more room for me in the closets and would pick up some new sexy underwear for me. She said that I could do much better than tighty whities!
About an hour later I texted her saying that she looked very sexy this morning in her bra and panties and I thanked her for the hug.
She replied a second later say... "U R the best Fish. Thanks for your patience."
I replied an hour later.. "All I want is for you and our daughter to be happy regardless of what happens to me."
A bit much but its how I felt at the time.
Heading out to dinner with friends and business associates tonight. Need to give this thing a little air.
Piecing is much harder than I thought it would be.
One more thing.. you are spot on with the detachment issue. When we were heading for divorce, I was fully detached. Now that we are back together, I no longer feel detached and I feel vulnerable.
Yes fish, I have found detachment to be very difficult. When we were headed for D it was easy for me...now I am the same as you and I feel vulnerable.
I read a little of your story when you were in the separated forum. From what I remember you did a great job of GAL. Don't stop doing that! Maybe you shouldn't go out as much...but you should still do things that you enjoy separate from your wife. It gives both of you space and allows you to continue to grow independently.
I know you want this fixed and you want things to be "normal" fast. BUT, she wants to move slow and so you have to move at her pace. Patience is key. Things are definitely moving in the right direction for you....just give her time.
I also think we are heading in the right direction. It just gets tough because at times she approaches us full force and then next day pulls back a bit. Her actions are solid. Rarely goes out at night, spends a lot of time with me drinking wine, doing dinners, shopping, tennis, etc. We are almost best friends again. We have also started ML again. Not as often as I would like, but we have started.
Was it too much when I sent the text saying that I just want W and daughter to be happy regardless of what happens to me.
I just want her to feel that I respect her and that I will be fine regardless of what happens to us. I hate this egg shell sh*t.
I loved the text she sent me this morning....
Fish UR the best. Thank you for your patience.
That says a lot.
Your thoughts?
I constantly feel like I am so close to making this work, but one little slip could fu*k it up.
fish, If you read many posts in piecing you will see that a lot of the WASs approach full force and then pull back. I am not sure why this is other than them doubting themselves. I don't think their intent was ever to hurt us...and maybe that is why they pull back...for fear of hurting us again. They see us getting comfortable again and worry that they aren't 100% positive and don't want to give us false hope. I may not make any sense, but from what I have read it is very typical for them to pull back...especially after making a big step in the right direction. My H has done the same thing several times.
I don't think the message was too much. I think it is important to let them know that we care about them no matter what...maybe it takes some of the pressure off of them to know that we don't define our happiness by what they do or decide...but I would refrain from texting her too much more because you said yourself that she hates text messages. Yes, she started it and I think it was great what she said. Just remember that she is thanking you for your patience.
The eggshell feeling sucks but it does go away with time. That is the only thing that can make it go away...you can't rush it.
KLM - Thank you so much for your insight into piecing. You just described my wife perfectly.
She came on really strong 2 weeks ago and has now pulled back a bit. When I have offered to do some really nice things for her, at times she replies... I don't deserve it, I have not been a very good wife for the past 6 months.
I say.... how could you be a good wife when we were separated? Was I a good husband then?
I think she sees the changes that I have made and really likes the new me. That has resulted in her feeling some guilt over our situation. Her friends have also reinforced this feeling by telling her that she almost made a huge mistake when she asked me to leave 6 months ago.
I think all of this is a big adustment for the Mrs and she just needs a bit of time to digest all of these changes.
It just hard when they come at you so strong and then pull back.
