Mixed Signals - version ? who's counting

[catfan]

Well it's probably been two weeks since I posted anything about our situation. Hard to believe its been nearly 18 months to the day I got the ILYBANILWY bomb and 16 months since our separation began.

So that realization along with a few other things in life have in the last week or so really set me back. I seemed to be finally moving forward good only to be dealt this set back. F(*&'n A it'd sure be nice to not do this!!

So I bought myself the book Mars and Venus, Starting Over. It's been a bit of a slow read for me because of the emotional aspects of reading and dealing with my feelings. But I think its going to help me heal this rather broken heart. One thing I definitely have done is not allow myself to fully go through the anger phase because anger was an issue for me. Not that I was lashing out or being abusive or such but I was bitter deep down inside and didn't have much patience for anything. I really addressed that early on and it helped greatly. But now I need to allow myself to be angry about the whole situation so I can be done with the anger. Why? Because not allowing myself to be angry is getting me stuck in sadness and sorrow. One can't have their heart heal if you are stuck. So my next step, find a way to vent my anger in a constructive, healing manner. Exercise sounds like a great idea, especially lifting weights.

[FLTC]

cf,

Has you W. said one way or the other what she wants? It seems like you pushed her a number of times, and she never really said that she wanted a divorce. Also, any more indications of her being involved with someone else? For a while that seemed like a possibility.

Exercise WILL definitely make you feel better, and feel better about yourself once you lose some weight and drop the BP. Good luck, brother.

[catfan]

Back in January when we had a real rough patch while finalizing the separation agreement she did tell me she though divorce was the likely outcome. But she's never actually said she wants a divorce. In fact, even as recently as the week after Christmas she has said she wasn't pursuing a divorce.

As for being involved with someone else, I strongly suspect she's been doing some dating but nothing substantial. However I do have a deep seated feeling that she's getting more serious on the idea of dating. She won't say and the very, very, very few times I brought it up she's gotten a bit defensive and said this isn't about someone else being involved. I've also had access to her journal and she's written in it a good bit on this as well. But I do think now that we are officially separated and have a signed doc she's exploring. Shoot I've explored it as well.

Does she want a divorce, hell I have no idea. Her actions and words seem to sometimes say no. But my fear there is she's just trying to be nice. Things like inviting me to dinner on Sunday nights, joining me and the girls at two recent outings, sharing pictures of activities with her and the girls, asking me about my day and stuff like that. Then again maybe she's having a hard time letting go. Who knows. All I know is I have hit a rough patch personally and am trying to get through it and heal my heart. Reconciliation is not longer my goal, my goal is to get me completely straightened out so I can be in a healthy relationship. Would I prefer that to be with my wife, absolutely. But only if she's gotten herself straightened out as well.

[sandycay]

CF,

I too am on the journey of mixed signals. I have only been at this for 2 months. I really can't fathom 18 months of these feelings. My S loves the other woman. Truly and deeply, but doesn't say he wants a divorce. Instead he keeps me in our beautiful home raising our two kids and comes over every day to spend time with them. (except when OW was in town)I guess I am a really expensive nanny at this point. He works out of town mostly and can be gone for up to a month at a time. He is also paying for me to go back to school as I have been a stay at home mom for years. There has never been mean or spiteful behavior from either of us. All of my friends say I should legally seperate from him as he is saying he will give me everything. They say he will change his tune in the future. I am confused as to what to do.

I too, have not gone through the anger phase. Let me know if that book helps you out. Right now, I am just fearful for my future. I have no retirement, no job, etc...

[catfan]

Sandycay it has been a long and also sometimes surprising fast 18 months. I've gone through a lot of cycles emotionally and reading the book Mars and Venus Starting Over is really bringing a lot of past emotions back to the forefront. As it points out I am stuck and now am having to go back and deal with old emotions that I never finished. Anger was first and I had to really tell myself it was ok to be mad. I think I am through anger and hit sadness again. I seem to be back to the sudden crying fits, albeit usually when I'm alone. I haven't done this in a really long time.

So how to deal with the mixed signals? Well it's really hard and I think they really keep our hearts from healing. The biggest thing we can do for ourselves is "not making whole cookies from crumbs" as a good friend of mine likes to remind me.

So the best thing I can tell you is be strong and don't make crumbs out to be cookies.

[catfan]

Well a few thoughts to post...I'm contemplating filing now. I really need to let my heart heal and after nearly 18 months of separation I just am not sure I can stand any longer. I take the vows seriously but I can't let this continue to slowly erode away at me.

I am in a much better place personally but still deep down my heart is very broken. It needs to heal and standing, hoping, waiting, etc to see if she comes around is becoming increasingly more difficult. It's also becoming increasingly more difficult to maintain any sense of love for her. It's like a plant that isn't getting watered, it slowly dies and not because of anything it's doing.

[catfan]

OK a bit further journaling and thought posting.

A co-worker of my wife's had a massive heart attack late last week and died. I worked with him often but didn't know real well when I worked at the same place. I do believe he was in his mid 30s, so fairly young. Sadly he has a son who has extensive health problems. Over the last year has been revived a number of times because of complications.

This has been in the back and mid of my mind since it happened. Today is his funeral and it sounds like most of the folks at my old company will be attending. But what I and a few other folks have been thinking about is how precious life is, how it's important to take care of ourselves as well as our loved ones. It puts into perspective what is important in life.

So last night my wife and I were talking about the arrangements and all and I mentioned how this really put things in perspective. She agreed. Out of the blue I asked her out to dinner. Honestly I wasn't thinking and she quickly accepted.

So mixed signals, you darn right and right now I think I am as guilty of sending them as she is. But for me this is starting to help me refocus on what's important.

For Derrick, may God bless you. I didn't know you well but I know you were a very good man.

[sandycay]

.

The biggest thing we can do for ourselves is "not making whole cookies from crumbs" as a good friend of mine likes to remind me.

So the best thing I can tell you is be strong and don't make crumbs out to be cookies.

What do you mean by this? I have stopped him from coming over every day now. I was doing it in the beginning so he could see the kids and of course so I could see him. CAKE EATING. I asked for the keys to the house last week. (after OW was in town & he hid it from me) I have since gathered all his clothes from the bedroom and given it to him. He only took a suitcase when he left. That suprised him by the way, but just said Thank YOu. I haven't packed all his other stuff (Air Force sTuff, stuff from him mom, and all that junk) should I wait till he ask for it, or give him all of his stuff and stop being the storage unit?

So sorry to hear about your former co-worker.

I often pray that mine doesn't pass away while our relationship is in the tormoil. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without this resolved.

[catfan]

The crumb and cookie analogy really about taking some little signal, some small thing that is said or done and making a lot more out of it then it really is. A good example is my wife quickly accepted a dinner invitation last night. I could immediately start thinking that this means she's thinking reconciliation, what other reason would she have to accepting so quickly. Well that's what I'd like to think but reality is her reasons are probably nowhere near that strong. It could be she is just looking for a nice dinner. It could mean she's just trying to be nice to me. In other words I have NO IDEA what it means and I can't make any assumptions or have any expectations of it.

So what are my expectations for Thursday? Simple, a good meal, good company and good conversation. I honestly am expecting at best 2 out of 3 on it. I am not expecting anything more than a nice night out and a good meal. If I expect anything more I am setting myself up for disappointment and putting too much pressure on her. It's a very tiny baby step at best and just a meal with someone I happen to know at worse.

[sandycay]

ah, I see. Well, I was crumb picking up until a few weeks ago when his actions gave me a little clarity. Now, I expect nothing because that is what he tells me there is. He was nice though and bought a new weedeater/edger so I can take care of the yard without him. I couldn't pull start the other one. Now if that doesn't spell LOVE I don't know what does. I kid!