A long time without writing, but things have been very good. After the ILYBINILWY speech in August, H and I worked our way back to each other with a lot of soul-searching on my part. H and I have been doing so well, and I am very happy. HOWEVER That is not to say that there have been no challenges, but surprisingly (at least for me) I have found that most of them are about me in the piecing phase rather than H. I thought that I would write down some of my key challenges to motivate me to work more on being aware of them and to help other going through the same.
Challenge 1: Anger
You will feel angry a lot, and that will be an obstacle to reconnecting. You will be angry for what they said and did during the crisis time, and it will bubble up at the most unfortunate times. There is no magic bullet, but it really helps me to focus back on some of the things I did to cause the crisis and how angry my spouse must have felt at those times. If he can move on and try again, then I should too.
Challenge 2: The Apology
We are longing to hear an apology, and we may never hear it. Don't get hung up on it because a) it may never be forthcoming and/or b) it may not be the grand "I was such a fool" moment you imagined. In fact, I know that most WASs do feel bad about hurting you, but many don't feel bad about walking away b/c they were hurting and felt as if it was the last resort. I think the return to the marriage and the renewed ILYs are an implicit apology anyway.
Challenge 3: Mistrust
If there was another person involved, even just a friend as in my H's case, you will feel betrayed and mistrustful. However, mistrust is your worst enemy b/c it makes you focus on the non-issue instead of the real issue, it blocks real intimacy, and it makes you whiny and clingy. All in all, it is the most dangerous dead-end street in piecing although that has not stopped me from detouring there a few times. No easy advice here. We just have to get over it (pray, divert thoughts, etc...) because no amount of hypervigilance will keep something from happening. A good solid marriage with honesty and communication on both sides will.
Challenge 4: Excess Emotion
In my case, I have become very excessive in my emotions, with a need to be extra loving and loved, both verbally and physically. While this is normal for a person who has lost love, it can probably be scary to the other spouse, who may see it as excessive. You can't make up for all of the lost ML or ILY, and you can't prove to yourself that he or she loves you by having sex or hearing ILY. If you see those things in this way, it's like a drug. As soon as you pass a couple of days without ML or a few times w/ no ILY, the doubts creep back. Don't make your love dependent on these proofs, as it has had me stuck in the land of analyzing every move and gesture instead of living the moment.
The best advice is to as much as you can let it be. Let the relationship grow, let the feelings show, and let things be the way you want them by living them that way instead of trying to force them to be that way.
Illuminata, This post has been very helpful. Your points are right on the money.
This will help me to stretch myself further in my efforts. I've done well at emotional management and not making things worse. I've been too guarded though, and need to be more present in the M. I guess this is the Act As If approach talked about in Divorce Remedy.
The struggle as you say is to live in the present, and transform anger and resentment so that it doesn't poison the healing process. It's a constant practice. I like to use breathing approaches to keep myself centered, and from ruminating too long in negative emotions.
You are right to suggest that we not put too much weight on looking for apologies, or security in actions such as sex. I fret about our sex life being dormant, but think, as you suggest, that it will return when it's time.
Thanks so much. This post will help a lot of Piecers stay on-track and regain their balance again and again.
We Piecers have to remember that healing is happening right under our noses, and that we need to not hinder it's slow process.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
In my case, I have become very excessive in my emotions, with a need to be extra loving and loved, both verbally and physically. While this is normal for a person who has lost love, it can probably be scary to the other spouse, who may see it as excessive. You can't make up for all of the lost ML or ILY, and you can't prove to yourself that he or she loves you by having sex or hearing ILY. If you see those things in this way, it's like a drug. As soon as you pass a couple of days without ML or a few times w/ no ILY, the doubts creep back. Don't make your love dependent on these proofs, as it has had me stuck in the land of analyzing every move and gesture instead of living the moment.
Illuminata, This last point struck a cord with me. W and I reconciled at the beginning of this year and in the first several weeks, the intimacy was at an all time high. It was like we had just met each other, and in a sense, it was like a new relationship. I can see that I may have become dependant on this as proof of her love. The past week or so, I have seen a shift in her desire which lead me to doubting and questioning, which lead her to getting irritated with my pushing for intimacy. Not a good cycle and I need to focus on what is really important. She is here with me in the marriage. She has committed to working on the marriage. We can fix this and be happy again.
I hear you on the Excess emotion front. I think it makes H feel worse when I show emotion and im'e proud to say that when he brought up the most recent turn of events last night I actually kept my emotions at bay very well.
I haven't really went through the others you mention. Well maybe anger for the confusion he causes me to feel.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
This may not be something most want to hear but I still think it may be valuable to some.
A mistake I made in letting h home was not continuing to stand up for myself once he was home. I allowed h to revert back to his old ways (strange position I know since it was h who had ow and left) without consequence.
It's easy to let alot go when begining to piece by trying to be careful not to push them away again.
