Affair is over and WW is responding

[Hope4us]

This might not help things. Just got an email from OMW and OM was home for the weekend for the first time since Christmas and things didn't go well. She's thinking she wants to divorce him.

I hope that doesn't mean he'll try to hook back up with WW (a boink for old times sake), although I imagine that him finding out about her STD will make him move on to greener affair pastures.

Oh well, maybe it would be best if they did get back together. I would immediately kick her out and she could get a real taste of what a POS he is. Maybe then she'd be ready to really commit to our marriage.

Guess I can't think about that now. No need to worry about what I can't control. Easier said than done though.

[Hope4us]

Of course, my admin just pointed out that why would OM try to get back together with WW and all her baggage (me & her STD!) when he's probably already got another one lined up in his new town. That's probably why he's going back to his old ways with his wife.

Ok, I'm done now.

[sideswiped]

Hi hope4us I took your advice and made it clear that all I wanted was friendship. Thank you I kind of lost the plot. But I guess it is because my h is invisible at the moment and living with his ow and someone decided to pay attention to me. I hope everything works out for you, we all deserve for good things to come our way after all this heartache.

[Hope4us]

Well, I don't know what to think. Got home and WW had made our favorite family dinner. It was good. I don't have any illusion that she made it for me specifically, but it was nice none the less. I then went out with a couple of friends, one from my old hometown. Just told WW that I was going out for a bit. When I got home she was upstairs watching T.V. so I watched a DVD with DS19 until about 10:00. WW came down stairs and was in a pretty good mood. She went out to smoke and I went to bed without saying good night or anything.

This morning first thing I get an email from her. It was work related, but it was something we had talked about early last week and she made an effort gathering information to send to me when she didn't have to.

She then sent me an email a little later talking about our finances. I think I mentioned before that she never had a problem with me handling all our finances, but since the Affair she has suddenly realized that she wants to be directly in control of at least part of her paycheck (her own personal account). I'm fine with that. No problem at all. She made a suggestion on moving some of her pay check to a separate account (after her contribution to the bills). I'm ok with that except what she wants to move to a separate account is almost all of her paycheck after the bills. I feel like if she wants to be in control of her money she should also pay her portion of the groceries, pay for her own haircuts ($130 every 6 weeks) and her portion of the kids expenses. So I told her we needed to talk about how that was going to work tonight.

Maybe I'm reading things wrong and she's just planning her exit strategy by saving up money in a separate account, but it seems like she's got past her funk of later last week and is re-engaging again.

I was posting on another website and a couple of people there think she is just going to keep playing me until she can make her exit. I keep trying to tell them that her affair has only been over for 7 weeks (at least in her mind) and I just need to give her some more space to figure this out herself. They keep telling me I should tell her to recommit to the marriage or move out and I just don't feel that is the smart move right now. If she's responding slowly but surely (baby steps), why force the issue?

Maybe that's why I've been gravitating more to DB lately than the other website forum. DB just seems to be more in line with what I think is needed in my sitch then the other site.

[Hope4us]

I feel like I'm on the worlds largest roller coaster. Yesterday, feeling great and then WW sends me a note about separating our finances and part of her note made me think that she was just planning her exit strategy. So the rest of the night was bad even though WW was ok with me last night (not much interaction as she had some dental work done and also had a sore throat). I woke up at 3:00 am and my mind was racing.

But then this morning I called WW on her way to work to warn her that the deer were out moving and to be careful (I had 3 run next to my truck. One guy who works for me hit one and had to slam on the brakes to aviod another later and another guy who works for me had to stop to let 5 cross the road in front of him). When I called her she was very appreciative of the call and told me good by very nicely when we hung up. That is quite a change from a few weeks ago when she wouldn't even answer my calls. So now I'm up again!

Just hoping that the ups are more and more frequent than the downs as we go along and soon WW will commit to the marriage. But I'm willing to give her the time and space she needs to get through this. Just hope I can not go crazy waiting!

[Snow White]

I was posting on another website and a couple of people there think she is just going to keep playing me until she can make her exit. Maybe that's why I've been gravitating more to DB lately than the other website forum. DB just seems to be more in line with what I think is needed in my sitch then the other site.

I think one thing that is important to remember is that chain of communcation, like the kids game of telephone. Everyone looking at your sitch only hears a piece of the story, and it is not even necessairily that your version isn't correct but in order to post it may not be entirely complete. They then take this and look at it through their eyes, coloured by their sitch and the experiences they have seen others have have. No one wants to see anyone get hurt any more than they already are, or get played. However, you know your W, no one else here or on the other board does(they do know patterns), you know your history. You cannot portray on here the look you receive or the tone in a voice when things are said and those things may be interpreted differently if everyone was present to see them.

[Hope4us]

Thanks Neecy. I think you're exactly correct. A few of the responses I received on the other board that are suggesting I take a hard line approach are because that's what worked for THEM. They don't know my WW and I can tell you, I know for sure if I gave her an ultimatum at this point she'd be gone.

Sometimes its hard for others to see how we're encouraged with the small things that our wayward spouses do because it's not a magic bullet kind of reaction. I just know my counselor has told me that she is acting exactly like he would think she would given our situation and I need to just keep piling up the rocks in the deep river and at some point those rocks will be at the surface and she'll cross the river.

I always loved that analogy my counselor gave me. It's easy to remember and makes so much sense to me.

[Sara]

I think she wants to feel that she has disposable income of her own. I think it's fine to suggest that she pay for her haircuts, and splitting the kids' expenses doesn't sound unreasonable, but I suggest not telling her she has to pay for her own food. If my husband told me that, I'd resent it. I certainly think it is not too much for a man to feed his wife.

[Hope4us]

I really don't have a problem paying for everything (I can afford it), but I don't want her using me to fund her nest egg so she can exit when the last of our kids moves on. I'm really ok with her having disposable income, but I kind of want her to get an understanding that stuff costs money and if she wants to leave the marriage, fine, but her standard of living will not be anywhere close to what she has now. I guess I understand her wanting her own disposable income, but I've never denied her anything she's wanted (except the $30,000 inground pool for the house we'll probably only be in for a few more years). I can see though how it may have made her feel not in control of her money when she had to ask me if it was ok to spend money on clothes etc. (and she's good at that!, but again I like her having new clothes etc so it's not a problem with me)

I know it almost seems like keeping her hostage, but correct me if I'm wrong, part of being an attractive mate is being able to provide for your spouse, so if she see's the reality of the situation maybe she'll find me more attractive since I can provide her a pretty decent standard of living.

[Sara]

I think that is an old-fashioned, 1950's kind of idea. I keep a separate account that my work money goes into, and when I want something I don't think my husband would approve of, a new piece of jewelry, or a nice decoration for the house, I like not having to ask permission to buy it. OF course, my husband is cheap, and lets me know he thinks not spending money is always the correct choice, no matter how tempting the new thing is. So for me this account is a necessity. I just come home and say, "I bought it with my money." On the other hand, I don't offer to pay taxes out of my money. So we both know that the amount I keep for myself is inflated, since his income has to cover the tax. But my husband makes a lot more than I do, so he doesn't try to make me see how pitifully small my income is.