Puppy Dog, my current C is advising against my wife moving out right now. The C is saying I should have the kids' best interest in mind, which is for them to be not separated from their mother.
She suggested I speak to the OM instead, which I did this evening.
My wife and the kids left for the mall with her sister. I managed to borrow my wife's phone before she left. She deleted a few things, however, before she gave it to me. I looked up the OM's number to call him up from my phone. He answered. I introduced myself as WW's husband. I invited him out to coffee. He first said, "I don't think it's a good idea." I said, "I think it's a *real* good idea." I assured him though, that there would be no physical danger to him. (I mean come on, the guy lifts weights daily. I'm a short, scrawny guy.) I was just going to talk to him and reveal my heart about the whole matter. I said we'll choose a very public place, like a coffee shop, and talk man-to-man. He agreed.
Ten minutes later, I'm sitting across the table from him. I thanked him for coming out to meet me. He said it's the least he could do. I started by saying, "You've met a couple of my kids, right?" (This should be a whole new thread but yeah, my WW on one occasion was with the OM when she picked up our S4 from daycare, and on another occasion had herself dropped off by the OM at the house while S11 was playing outside.) He says, "Yes, I have." I then proceed to take out photos from an envelope I brought with me. I showed one of our wedding pictures and several family photos all throughout the years.
I then proceeded to say, "My wife has a problem. She has an addiction. I am not powerful enough to stop it, but I believe you're the only possible person who can help her." "How so?" he asks.
I told him, "My wife is addicted to the romance, the excitement and the intimacy of the affair. And I need you to stop seeing her. I want to win my wife back.
"You've got to realize I've been married to her 11 years, I've know her for 15 years, and have been with her for 13 years. We have three wonderful children. I understand you value your relationship with your girlfriend. I hear you are planning on getting married after a while."
"That's a bit of an exaggeration. That's another one with problems," he says. "Well, that's what my wife told me," I say. "Anyway, the way you value your relationship with your girlfriend, I value my marriage with my wife so much more. I love her dearly."
"I saw that you were wearing a cross in the photos from the day at the amusement park. Does that cross mean anything to you?" I asked. He says, "Yes." "Well, I believe my marriage is a union ordained by God. I take seriously my marriage vows and I would like to honor it until the day I die."
"My wife is going through a crazy stage right now. She has been faithful to me for the first 10 years of our marriage. I do not know who she is right now."
Then he says, "I don't mean any disrespect by saying this. I will agree to stop seeing her but knowing WW, she will not want it."
"That's why I need your help. I need you to back off."
Then I ended the meeting by saying, "I hope you understand what I'm telling you here." He says, "I do." I get up, I shake his hand, he says, "Nice to meet you." I say the same.
In retrospect, there are a couple of things I should've mentioned. 1) I should've emphasized how much of an impact the affair is having on the kids, and in the long run how it could majorly affect their lives. I should've called them each by their name while showing him the pictures and pointed out how they're good boys and how they excel in school right now and how all of that could crumble if they grow up without their mother and father being together. 2) (maybe) I should've mentioned how my wife is confused and tells me that she wants to be with me when she's with me but feels the same when she's with him.
I must say that without prayer, and God's guidance, I wouldn't have gone through it. I called one of my church buddies right before meeting the OM to pray for me as well.
I don't know where this will lead. My wife stepped in the door from talking to the OM several minutes ago. She had a frown on her face.
I'm trusting the One who ordained our marriage on this.
"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7
Oh I feel for you. So many times, I have been there. Its dark, lonely and downright miserable. The one benefit of you two living in separate houses is peace from that.
It is miserable, lbw. Living in separate houses would alleviate it, but it is discouraged by my C right now.
My tactic right now, I suppose, is to up my GALing, 180ing or even going dark, if my talk with the OM does not yield results.
I also exposed the affair to my H's parents and hit a brick wall. I don't think it is that they don't have the moral authority it is that they just really can't be bothered with him or he is just not all that important to them, they think he is a screw up and this is just one more thing. They have not made any effort to contact him since, if he wasnts to talk to us he can come here. Sadly all it did was reinforce what H already thought about himself and give him one more obstacle in continuing in our R. I think this really works better when the person comes from a good caring family, but in your case her dad's behaviour likely formed part of hers and in mine his parents lack of support and affection likely formed part of his.
I, too, am a Christian and I admire your faith and the courage it must have taken to do that. I will never discount our Lord's ability to move upon our wives' hearts and do a miracle in them, and in our lives.
That being said, I don't agree AT ALL with your counselor. How can it be "best for your kids" to live in a home where one of their parents is carrying on an affair, and staying out until the wee hours of the morning?
And while reasonable people may differ about pro- and anti-exposure, I've NEVER heard ANYONE say it's a good idea to confront the OM/OW. All it does it elevate them to a position of respect that they don't deserve. Almost like the President of the United States agreeing to meet with a top terrorist.
You seem to be looking to the OM -- an adulterer, by definition -- to "do the right thing." All cheaters lie, and the salvation for your marriage does not lie within this man's sinful heart. It lies in YOURS, and in your ability to stand up for your marriage and your family and do the right thing, with God's help.
Jesus said to "love thy enemies," but He also knew when it was time to throw over the moneychangers' tables when they desecrated the temple. Ours is a holy God, and He abhors adultery.
I'll back off, and I said my peace, but I think you're making a big mistake.
Oh I feel for you. So many times, I have been there. Its dark, lonely and downright miserable. The one benefit of you two living in separate houses is peace from that.
It is miserable, lbw. Living in separate houses would alleviate it, but it is discouraged by my C right now.
My tactic right now, I suppose, is to up my GALing, 180ing or even going dark, if my talk with the OM does not yield results.
Dan, one more thing:
What does "doing a 180" mean to you? I thought it meant "doing the opposite from the course you've been trying." From reading your sitch (and that's all ANY of us have to go on, so perhaps this is unfair), your past attempts have included "giving her a lot of space" and not confronting her nor enforcing any boundaries.
I may be pro-exposure, but I'm a big believer in the DB principles of "GAL" and "180" and other things. To this observer, the best "180" you could do would be to put your foot down and fight for your family, and take a STRONG stand with your wife and fight for her.
In fact, I think she's WAITING for you to do just that.
