Question for any WAW, lost and hope you can help

[restless]

I have a WAW who has told me, I haven't loved you for last two years. I am emotionally shut off from you. I am not even attracted to you etc. Basically all of the above and more. Did you former WAW truely feel all these emotions without a doubt? Or did you just say a lot of those things to get space because you felt it was the only escape?

I only ask because I am trying to at least gain a slight understanding of my W and what the heck she is up to. It is like she feels absolutely no guilt right now. Or maybe it just being a little over 5 weeks old I am expecting to much. I know this takes time but everything is happening so fast. I just don't understand.


Thanks and god bless.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

I think your wife got it right when she said that she was emotionally shut off from you. That is exactly the problem. How can you have feelings of love and attraction when you shut yourself off emotionally? You can't.

As a WAW I felt strongly that I didn't love my husband and although I found him still attractive I didn't have that desire. I was always doubtful of my feelings which is why I agreed to counseling, but didn't put much effort into it I admit.

Although she may tell you that she feels these things without a doubt, as a former WAW, I can say that it is possible she is just as confused as you are but doesn't realize it herself. The stress of marital issues can really do a number on you mentally. You don't know which way is up and which way is down, but you think you have it all figured out. She probably won't feel guilty until she wakes up and this requires work and patience on your part.

Have you read DR or DB? If not I would get it right away and start your 180. Are you going to individual or couple's counseling?

[restless]

HC thank you so much for your insight. I am doing a lot of 180s not for the R but for myself. Many friends are really noticing (lol)

I just really miss her. I miss our talks we used to have a long long time ago. I am also doing individual counseling as the W feels there is no point of counseling since she is sure of how she feels. Hence the speed run to sell house, filing of D papers etc.

I guess I am just having one of those days. Where I feel like this might be a lost cause. But I do not want to give up hope.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Restless,

I know it is difficult to lose your best friend. I have a lot of those days myself. Your friends are noticing and she will too if she hasn't already. When I feel like giving up I remind myself of my goals, the alternative to not trying, look at the positive and try to dismiss the negative, and post on the boards a frequently. The support I get here helps get me back on track. Self talk and prayer has helped me tremendously. I tell myself I can not control his actions, to have patience and I am fighting for my marriage. DBing has helped me become the person I want to be and the person my husband wants me to be and I am already a much happier person for it.

It the begining it is very frustrating, but the sooner you can detach yourself from your spouses actions the easier it gets. Keep on keeping on. Stay strong and know that we are here to support you. I give you a lot of credit for dedicating yourself you saving your marriage.

[restless]

HC Thanks and HUGS! I appreciate the insight. I just feel that it is hopeless with how determined she seems to be. But then again I guess it only has been realistically two weeks since I really gave her the space. But as of right now I know she is telling everyone how happy she is. Were you that happy when you decided to leave?

I know detach and I am getting there slowly but surely... thanks for understanding.

[Jay Scott]

Same with my wife, everyone tells me to do the 180 and give her space. I am indeed doing that, but from what I see....she is pretty happy. She has abandoned her children and devastated a man who supported and encouraged her for many years. But hey, she has a cool new apartment and no one around to make her feel guilty for being totally selfish and short sited.... do I sound biter LOL

I am going to go cook dinner for my boys.

[Hope4us]

Restless, Almost 7 weeks ago my wife announced she "wanted a divorce. It's what I want. We're not getting any younger". I told her if she wanted to file I couldn't stop her, but I would not agree to a "friendly" divorce like she'd suggested. I also told her I would hire my own attorney and counter sue for adultery (my wife had an affair that started our whole mess). That day I started the LRT. I completely quit doing everything I had been doing since discovering the affair. No ILY's, no asking how her day was, no good nights, very little help around the house, started going out with friends or by myself. Complete 180's and started taking the attitude that I was going to enjoy my life, with or without her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't need to. Took DS15 on a long weekend "manly" trip and didn't call her once. Had to go out of town for work for a week and didn't call/email nothing while I was gone.

And ya know what? 6 weeks later she is not going to divorce or "go anywhere" until "at least" DS15 graduates from H.S. And she has been responding more and more to me. Now, I have to deal with her fighting her affair demons that it doesn't sound like you have to deal with, but the turn a round has been amazing. Not sure we'll make it in the end or not, but the progress that's been made in the last 7 weeks is amazing.

I guess what I'm saying is, GAL, quit pursuing, act "as if" you're moving on with your life. Acting as if does two things for you. It makes your wife see that you're ok without her which get's her curious and if she never comes back, you've started to live YOUR life. It also give you amazing confidence. All which are attractive to a WAS.

[restless]

Hope4, thanks for the tips. I am working on it. Just gotta keep reminding myself patience patience and more patience.