Andy, you posted on Lily's thread how Son #2 is showing more autistic behaviuor and is clinging to your W..and she is so tired.
You and I have talked about this..whilst my S was not autistic he had some bizzare behaviour..he drained the life outta me.....I understand how she feels..
There are fewer things more stressful than a challenging child
You're quite right in many respects, Rachael. I'm sure she does think about what she can do. I haven't posted it as much as I should have, but she does ask me about my feelings. To me, she doesn't appear to lack motivation. If DBing has got me anywhere, it's to show her that I care. Not just about me. Not just about us. But about her. I know she's not indifferent.
But it takes more than motivation, time, or space to feel and give love and affection.
It takes energy. Not a lot of energy, but chronic, constant exhaustion has depleted her.
I've posted about my own exhaustion. I've posted about how it drove me into deep depression, and I've posted about how my efforts to alleviate my W's stress pushed me to the brink of a renewed depression. If my efforts to help her can do that to me, how can there be any hope for her to regain even a modicum of energy for love?
How can you have a feeling (love) when your feelings are dead?
That's why I'm not so confident that it WILL get that far.
Because Andy I don't beleive her feelings are dead-just sleeping perhaps. I too felt my feeliongs for my H were dead in the water 11 yrs ago. Of ourse there was an affair involved which complicated things but even without it I was at a place with him where I did not know if I felt ANYTHING towards him except that he was my H and the Father of my children. No warm, fuzzies anywhere. Point is they came back! The feelings. I don't know how or why they just slowly did and I love him more today than ever before. Sometimes I wonder if he had his A to get "back" at me. He was DEVASTATED. HE may have justified it because of mine-he also has to suffer greatly like I did-the part he didn't realize that the hardest thing in an A is to forgive yourself.I think he runs from those feelings but they will never be far from him until he deals with them. Your wife is exhausted-maybe she does not have the energy to fight for her R with you right now. It may not be the right time for her. The only sure thing is change though-it will not be like this forever, I promise. Rachael
I can't begin to imagine what's it's like for your family. It does seem like God gives us more than we can handle sometimes-I've always hated it when someone says that to me. I do hope things get better for you-we're all pulling for ya'! Rachael
Thanks for posting the links to your old threads. I'm currently rereading them. I say rereading 'cause although I read them a while back,time has passed and my perception has changed. Right now I'm being fascinated by all the stuff that Salamander offered you in 'Andy's story'.
I'm at the part in that thread where mf's wife was giving him a hard time. Salamander was encouraging you to make the environment at home 'good' so your wife would be drawn in your direction.
A year later you've posted that the mf's wife has vocalized that your wife and you aren't welcome in their home. Salamander 'saw' the future and he was so on it.
To my recollection, Salamander told me that my W was in full-blown EA. Whether he was right or wrong, I chose not to believe that, and that was the best decision I could make.
He also said to leave it alone, and eventually it would fizzle. Well, it didn't fizzle. They're still friends, though primarily behind his W's back.
But despite that, the basic advice that Sal gave me was extremely important. He said that if I were to interfere with their R, it would only push them closer together. Back in those days, it took all of my strength to avoid drawing a line in the sand with them on one side, and me on the other.
What eventually happened is that MF's W did exactly that. The difference is that since it wasn't me who took this stand, I'm on the same side of the line as W.
So, I don't think Sal saw what was going to happen, but more importantly, he saw what could have happened.
KentS also posted to me that I should, "Forget about OM." I was having a rough time doing this, but as you said, things are very different from a year ago.
Sage is also a Toastmaster, Guilded Storyteller , Master Costumer, as well as an amatuer actor/director. cohorts. I can remember feeling so second class. I also walked behind and felt like a third wheel. I wanted him to spend more time w me and he, oh whatever. I finally got to where I didn't object to all the activity. I was useful for ideas, prop making, and sewing. The only time I was excluded from these friends was with the ow. He kept her his secret. What isn't kept in the light of day can become very unhealthy.
I can only admire you for being at a place in your developement where you can handle your wife having other gender friends. One day I hope to be there again. Not now though.
It's difficult, Andy, to know what to do. It sounds good that you and your wife are being cool about the friendship. You are being supportive of her independence and giving her space. Having to listen to mf whine about his 'house arrest' and his wife's comments may help your wife seek same gender friendships. Any potenials there????
You said that your wife's friendship w this guy is primarily behind the man's wife's back. What on earth will happen should she find out that he is direspecting her and blows up?
