And, it only took 2 years of working on it, and 16 months on this BB
The theory goes like this…
DBing is about you. Don’t worry about what your SO thinks. Learn to be happy so that regardless of the outcome, you’ll be OK.
So you work on being happy. You start by acting as-if your R isn’t your soul source of happiness, and of course, it shouldn’t be. Happiness comes from within. Your sense of self-esteem comes from within.
But, though most of you would balk at this, I have to say that throughout most of my adult life – which started in my early teens – my greatest source of pride has been my sense of responsibility. My greatest source of comfort has been my family.
When I married, and even more so, when I started having children, these traits were transposed to my W and children.
So when my W came of the opinion that I was selfish and domineering, my whole self-image was shot. I couldn’t take comfort from my traditional source, and I couldn’t be proud of something that was a lie.
My mission was to make that lie a reality.
I know it wasn’t really a lie, but I also learned that I wasn’t doing all that I was capable of.
I felt that I had to become – in my actions, the person that I was – in my ego.
My dilemma was to find out where I was falling short. In the case of my family responsibilities, the only person who could tell me was my W. But in true WAW fashion, she had given up on me. She had shut me out.
But I persisted. It was an extremely painful process, but after two years, I finally heard the words that I longed to hear:
“You’re very patient with me.” and “Don’t fret. Things are better. I Love you.”
So now, I’m just going to continue to do the things that have got me this far, and try to heal my own pain that was caused by this process.
In the clearing stands a boxer, And a fighter by his trade And he carries the reminders Of ev'ry glove that laid him down Or cut him till he cried out In his anger and his shame, 'I am leaving, I am leaving.' But the fighter still remains
The Boxer from the album Bridge Over Troubled Water (1970) Simon and Garfunkel
But, though most of you would balk at this, I have to say that throughout most of my adult life – which started in my early teens – my greatest source of pride has been my sense of responsibility. My greatest source of comfort has been my family.
I for one would never balk at this..in fact I would say that most of us are hear because we have a sense of responsibilty and find comfort in our families.
I am so happy that you have heard the words that you wanted to hear.
You all humble me. I haven't had to go deal with nearly as much as you, and for that I am grateful.
Duchess, you wouldn't balk. Others have.
It doesn't bother me, though. DB is a set of techniques. One's motives for using those techniques are their own.
Though many people find it most effective, and calming to lovingly detach, it is not something I could ever do. The source of my problems was that W percieved me as uncaring, so it would not have worked for me at all. In any case, it just ain't in me.
It was painful. To be honest, it still is. It hurts me more than you can immagine whenever W referrs to the origins of our problems. I think that to her, it's fading and is therefore not a sore spot.
But those memories still hurt.
That's how I chose the name of my thread. I still carry the reminders of every glove that laid me down or cut me till I cried out.
Andy, I too could never lovingly detach. How could you lovingly detach a leg or an arm? Adrian too would see that as uncaring-the big one that started this whole mess. I think I have to learn to be separate from him, and be strong. Funny thing is he thinks of me as being strong, and I feel so very weak right now. His perception of me is what keeps me trying, the only thing is now I'm trying for me too. I have always loved that song "The Boxer". I'll never hear it the same again though. Rachael
Rachael, lovingly detaching is so often misunderstood in this forum.
It does NOT mean not loving, it does NOT mean not caring..it truly doesn't.
If you think of anyone close to you as a leg or an arm you are being codependant with them.You are not seeing them as separate.Imagine how suffocaating that might be for any loved one.
I lovingly detached from my son..who had many emotional problems.He was like a leg or an arm to me and...Rachael I was smothering him. The best gift I gave him was to lovingly detach.
Do I still love him?.Yes I adore him Does he love me? Yes Is he still in my life? Yes Is he happier? Absolutely Am I happier? you bet..and healthier.
It is so important to let those we love do for themselves..to be with their own thoughts..to deal with the consequences of their actions.
It means stepping back and allowing our loved ones to just be.
To lovingly detach is to not smother,to not try to make it better..it is to give space
That is what LOVINGLY detaching means.
It is a gift we give to those we love.
Well this is how I see it anyway.
I do lots of very loving things for my H.I show him every day that I care.
I am warm and compassionate with him but I give him lots of space..it's what he wants..before I never left him alone and he ran a mile from me.... into someone elses' arms.
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