H is still avoidant of any R talk. I feel he is still having a hard time connecting. Have had three or four ILY's since Oct of o6 last one being the beginning of Jan. He is trying to be attentive but still very quiet. He cannot really look into my eyes. Guilt maybe, or maybe still unsure. Refuses to go to any sort of counceling, doesn't want to talk about R just wants to live it, as he says.
Left a card for H this morning, simple. I wrote that I felt he was still having a hard time and that I loved and appreciated how much he has done and love him always no matter what happens.
We will see how that goes. I feel more was said on the card than would be said in convo with him, without scaring him off or me getting to emotional. It is so hard not to tear up when we do discuss R since he refuses to say much.
Physical intimacy has been great but, there are days I feel like im prostituting myself, as he has had a hard time connecting, as he said last fall.
I just don't know how much longer I can stay in this when I still after all this time have no idea if he will decide to really love me again. Is he trying, some days I think so but,not everyday. I can not and will not live the rest of my life in a M that he is just exsisting in for lack of something better, and that is the way I feel today. Yes he does know that I feel this way as it has been discussed before. Does he remember? Probobly but, I feel he just thinks I won't go anywhere.
JAK
OH, by the way I am now going to have a set of Twin Girl grandchildren!! Yea for girls.
Sorry guys but, in my book today girls rule.
Last edited by jak58; 03/17/0801:25 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, You're laying your cards out on the table for him. He would be wise to stretch, tolerate some discomfort, unbalance himself, and grow as a person and into the M.
Let's hope something moves him forward.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
[/quote]You're laying your cards out on the table for him. He would be wise to stretch, tolerate some discomfort, unbalance himself, and grow as a person and into the M. [quote]
Cl,
This couldn't be more true. Just saw him for lunch as he was working on oldest D's house ripping the upstairs apart to redo. Gotta get ready for the babies! Never said a word about the card. Probobly hopes to just let it slide,not a wise choice as you put it.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
It doesn't seem to matter that I lie my cards out on the table for H he just won't budge.
He threw the card with the note that I had written in the garbage. I came home last night and he was all touchy feely and trying to keep me in convo. That tells me that my assumption about his feelings are in the ball park. Guilt? I really think so!
He asked me to be patient March of last year and I think for the most part I have been very patient. I have not brought up R talk except when I found her phone # and once when he said he was having a hard time reconnecting in Oct last year. I think thats great considering what Iv'e been through.
I feel things have not changed in the sense of moving forward any more than they have been for the last 8 months. They have basically been the same and no matter what I try in the 180 it doesn't change. He is attentive but still withdrawn enough that lets me know that his MLC is still an issue.
I just need to figure out how much longer im'e willing to hold on. I deserve to feel loved as much as H does and I know iv'e done all I can to make him feel loved by me and he says it not me it's him(don't know how much of that to believe). I have also really looked at what I think needed changing and have worked on them. My needs however are not being met and he has no desire to discuss it. I need to feel loved in my M and im'e not willing to just settle for a friendship with benefits
I have been thinking a lot about leaving, at least to the downstairs of our house right now as financially I don't think S would be an alternative. Although I do know if we were to D I would be ok. don't like to think about it but I do deserve better. Right now im'e going to get as dark as I can while living with him. it would be easier if he or I were out of the house I feel.
Who knows tomorrow I might have a different view but this one has been here for about two weeks,so time to act on it.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 03/18/0812:53 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I just need to figure out how much longer im'e willing to hold on. I deserve to feel loved as much as H does and I know iv'e done all I can to make him feel loved by me and he says it not me it's him(don't know how much of that to believe). I have also really looked at what I think needed changing and have worked on them. My needs however are not being met and he has no desire to discuss it. I need to feel loved in my M and im'e not willing to just settle for a friendship
Hey Jak, I could have wrote this...
Originally Posted By: jak58
with benefits
But not this
take care. Time is ours to use as we see fit. I fugure we will know whe We have given it enough time.
Dr LOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Jak, Your frustration with your H is understandable. I can see where faith in your H and M would be fading, and hope that the M could improve would also be fading.
Distance and loneliness in a M is difficult. What's interesting is that sexual activity in your case does not enhance intimacy and connection for you.
Please stay connected to the joys and connection you have outside of the M.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Just thinking of you. Sorry things are moving for you. its so hard when they are receptive..Its down right fustrating.
Take care of you. That is the most important thing. Sometimes I think, actually I know our S's are so spoiled, they just don't have a clue what it would be like if the shoe was on the other foot.
(((hugs))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
TAl I think your right about being spoiled. They don't take the time to work on their issues.
H did talk very briefly to me last nite. told me he is sorry he is not here emotinally. but he does love me.
How can H not feel emotionally connected and not be able to tell me ILY only once in a great while and still love me as he says?
He is talking and doing things with friends and the kids. he does do things more with me. I asked him what he needed to feel loved and taken care of and he said that I have done so much that there isn't anything need to do.
I think he is thinking that it will just happen that he isn't really working out his issues but, thats just my opinion.
Any advise here? I am so close to the point of separation that it scares me. I wonder if I jut need to be more patient or if I need to shake things up. If it's shake things up what to do.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I asked him what he needed to feel loved and taken care of and he said that I have done so much that there isn't anything need to do.
I think this is the key point.. you've done everything you need to do. What he's missing is that HE needs to step up and make YOU feel loved and taken care of.
I do think it's time for a shake up, but maybe take separation off the table for awhile. I think that makes it harder to come up with creative ideas - it becomes easier to look at your "escape route." (at least, that's been true for me).
I know you've worked so hard and done so many 180s - what are some other ones you could do? What would he expect from you over the next, say, week, and what could you do differently?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
