Doing the lawn would not be a 180 for me...The normal behavior would be to do the lawn and expect kudos for doing it....I've always did the lawn, cooking, pool and erverything else around the house to support her demanding job...she does laundry and the bills....
Have you checked into the guitar lessons, golf, and bowling yet? Those sound like great ways to meet people and get your mind off what your W is thinking.
If your C is suggesting ways to show your wife how it'll be IF she is a single mom, responsible for the house (lawn and pool!) and kids, then maybe she needs to find a solution for the broken lawn care equipment on her own?
If it'd be a 180 NOT to do it for her, maybe that is an option you could think about. She may get mad, but she may respect you for standing up for yourself when you tell her that feeding the pets was really all you had time for with all the plans you made while the kids were gone.
The normal behavior would be to do the lawn and expect kudos for doing it
But what if you don't expect kudos for it this time, if you so choose to do the lawn after all. "Not expecting kudos" would be a 180, right?
Or maybe not doing the lawn at all would be a solution. Think about what would bring you closer to your goal.... What is your goal (a short-term realistic goal)? -PH
Thanks for the responses. If I do the lawn she will appreciate it and probably only say Thank You in a way it would sound like you were talking to a friend. "Thanks Zuma" instead of "Thanks Sweety". If I do not do it then she will come back from her trip and it will add to the many tasks she now has to do because I am not in the house and just maybe she will appreciate and miss me a little more. If I only fix the lawn equipment then she will cut the grass herself and probably Thank Me the same way and just feel more independent. If I dont do either she will have to solve this own her own but it will be frustrating for her....Maybe I will just fix the lawn tractor...that was she has to say thanks and she still has to mow the lawn and fix the weedeater and edger herself which she has not been able to do herself up to this point.....Help I need advice...This sounds so trivial...I hate playing this game. I just want my life back were I would just take care of it and we could stop these games.......Please Respond,
I decided to just fix the lawn equipment which I did this afternoon. She will be back on Sunday or Monday. Today is my oldest daughters birthday and my wife called from her vacation and quickly stated that I thought you would want to talk to "" since it is her birthday. My wife without stating anything else handed the phone over to my daughter and she misses me. Wife never got back on the phone or stated anything else...It's like she is a total stranger now....
You sound almost like a carbon copy of me. Honestly I would not try any reverse psychology or try to "show" her what it would be like without you... My guess is she would not look at it that way, she would probably use it as yet another reason to back up her ill feelings for you.
If it were me, I would think of the kids and say, well at least they will have a nice clean back yard to play in and leave it at that. Do a good job, leave everything ready and cleaned up for the homecoming. As for being alone while she is gone and feeling betrayed, tossed aside, feeling like a piece of crap on the bottom of her shoe probably has better standing that you do right now kind a thing.... i feel you. How old is your wife? Is she maybe having a MLC? My situation is similar... I think there are a lot of men out there, good men, who want their kids, their families in tact, their marriages safe and secure... I just wonder if that is reality anymore in our society. As desperately as you or I want these things, when a wife takes this position, you can control none of her behavior and in the end are only responsible for your own personal behavior, that is all you can have command of. You wife will make the decisions she makes and sadly, men like us suffer as we wait for the "decisions" being made it feels I think... I am pondering why so many women and men don't seem to "get" it and take the cowards way out. Personally I think your ability to stay the course, stay strong and reach out to try to save your family is a very courageous and noble thing. Stay strong and plan on this taking a very, very long time... I am now waiting almost a year for some peace.... not yet for me either sadly... but some faint signs that I try to hold my strength on... Take care, spend a lot of time with the kids and just play with them and enjoy "living for the moment" with them.. they need you too... Sorry, I am sad that you have this going on, I bet it feels really unfair.
But I must say, how mean is it of your "wife" to take the kids away on their birthday from you... That's is cruel. She must be very disconnected, but I guarantee you at the end of our lives, she will know what she did was wrong and not okay... I'd love to hear Michelle's take on why men like us who are just trying to do good work, don't cheat, honest, and I think, good guys, get shafted by the ideal that a "wife" is always entitled to this idea, if my life is wonderful and happy and exciting I have a right to find it and leave my "husband" since it is all his fault... sounds like your wife blames you too and points the finger in only one direction and is unable to see her contribution to the problems... it is a cowardly way to behave and you lose a lot of respect for a person behaving this way. Her actions will never solve her problems.
I care about you and am sorry for your pain. I don't think any good, nice man out there deserves or should be burdoned and tortured by pains of the heart to these extremes...
zuma, My personal opinion is that if you didn't do the lawn, your W might think you're being mean. If it was me, I would do a really good job of it and not say a word or make it a deal at all. Just act as if it was nothing and not mention a word to her about it. Do it and then forget you even did it. Do it for your kids, not for her. Do it for you because it feels good to do acts of kindeness.
It must hurt that you were not able to celebrate your daughter's BD with her. Even though it's not ideal, maybe be grateful that she at least called to let you talk to your daughter. I have found gratitude to be a powerful way of attracting more good to me. Law of Attraction. -PH
Well, I still think she's walking all over you and you need to do something different. I think you should go with the 180 and take care of you.
Especially after reading your thoughts on her reaction. No we should not "assume" (But you know what results your efforts have given you in the past) we should not have expectations (you don't) and this is not "reverse psychology". It is doing something different because what you're doing hasn't been giving you any results and since she is in a power career and you take care of so much around the home, I feel getting her "mad" wouldn't be such a horrible thing.
You take care of your kids every day. You do everything for them. A little long grass won't hurt them and you deserve more respect than your wife is giving you.
Thanks for all the support. I think a 180 is the best in this situation. I have done everything she has asked since the separation and seen no change. Just "Thanks Zuma" as if we are friends and not husband and wife anymore. I fixed the equipment because she seemed so frustrated about it and she still will have to acknowledge my effort...but mowing the lawn would be viewed by her as doing to try and ease my back into the house. Tomorrow is Easter and I have to go to church without the kids because they will not be back till late or even Monday...I teach my 10 year olds Sunday School class and I will be teaching the class to her friends and she will not even be there....Great. I am determine to move on from this point and be positive...I will be leaving on my own trip on this Thursday through Sunday to Atlantic City so I will only have contact with the wife for three days when I take care of the kids after school. My girls are so beautiful and we are so blessed as a family...I can't believe she will actually throw everything away. I believe this is a mid-life thing with her but she is blind and can't see it. I've been a great husband to her and have also been there for her..........Your responses have been great please keep them coming. They keep me going and it's nice to have a sounding board from the outside world. It keeps me going.
