Kaw prompted me to start this so I did to potentially help any one in a similar sitch.
Looking at the "big picture", I should be pretty happy with my sitch. I am not. I am frustrated, confused, and a little angry so forgive me. I am disappointed in my W judgement and values. She had a bad case of "MLC", "Passion", "Identity Crisis", etc. and made some very poor choices with no remorse. She didn't have a PA but she tried and there were some internet EA's. Can someone PLEASE "link" my old thread so I can skip the ugly details. Anyway, how she handled herself and her lying nature are really bothering me. I would feel better if she had just pursued her new life and abandoned me instead of trying to have her cake and eat it too. The reason for this is now I just can't get comfortable. I keep waiting for the next bomb to drop. She just doesn't seem to be like any other WAW on this board anywhere. She treats me great and then I find out that she is still contacting EA's. I feel very strung along. I know this sounds very depressing but that is where I am at right now.
Everyone who has followed my posts is probably very confused right now because I am usually talking about the great times my W and I have. The problem is I am beginning to wonder if I could do this with anyone and it really isn't that special. I do feel quite positive 90% of the time but my tolerance is gone. I can't deal with another bout of MLC. That is my demon that I live with.
Don't feel bad friends if I don't respond to many peoples' threads. My feeling is that many of your spouses don't deserve you and if they continue to act like they have been they need to be shown the door. My life only improved once I "laid down the law", so that is the only proven guidance that I have. That is not good DBing so I am keeping those comments here only.
I have let my R consume me for 6 months so I am backing off a bit. I am taking care of all the other aspects of my life. She can pursue me and to be honest she has been for the last 2 weeks. That is all I know.
I too have let my R consume me to the point of actually maybe taking a leave of absence from work to get over these damn anxiety and panic attacks. Im in here -you can read "together again" It's been hell. H is here now, but I can't shake the betrayal and he can't give me enough reassurance to make me trust him at this point. He asks "what can I do" I have no idea. The damage is done-the trust is shot, and I'm in a constant state of panic. That's my life in a nutshell.
tbone I feel alot the same way even if I am D.She still spends more time with me then when we were seperated and she has bought all kinds of things for my house.XW did tell me yesterday that her and a girl friend was taking the kids on vacation.That sucked she just said something about that the girlfriends H couldn't go so:and she kind of dropped it.I just told her that if she decided she wanted me to go to let me know.We went on vacation a while back and both our families went together and had a great time so I was hopeing that she would include me but I will have to see.My XW to wants her cake and to eat it too.She got mad friday and moved a little bit of her stuff and then the next day it was back to normal and we spent the weekend together,there is still no touching or anything like that and she still makes it clear that we aren't an item but she says we have to work on our friendship so I guess I'm just like everyone else and will wait as long as I can.
Thank you both for stopping in. Because you did, I will give you my honest opinion on your sitchs.
Rachel,
Try just taking the R for what it is right now. He screwed up but he is very remorseful and seems to be trying very hard. He is back, make the most of it. You have to get some strength or you will lose him. You are scared to death that he will leave you any minute. That is a self fulfilling prophecy if I ever heard one. Please, please, please trust him for your own good. Write this down and read it three times a day. "If you trust too much you could be deceived, if you trust too little you will be tormented." You are tormenting yourself right now so stop it. Act as if today is the last day you will ever have to be together. Don't live in fear that he will leave, live in joy that he is here one more day. I am not just responding to your post on this thread, I have read your posts on many other threads too. I hear a common theme every time. You are afraid he will leave you. I don't think he will in the short run but if you keep asking for reassurance your chances for long term success will dwindle. I speak very directly so I apologize for that but I think you have a good chance to succeed but not if you keep doing what your doing.
He is not your life. Focus on everything else, especially getting back to work. Quit worrying about being happy for a lifetime and just be happy for today. When your husband gets home truly enjoy him and remember that trust quote
Randy,
You are Mr. Patience but drop the OR stuff now. It is kicking your a** and has for the last 3 weeks. She is not ready for the next step and you know that. Please, please, please do something for yourself. If it was me I would go on a date. I only say that because you need to find out that other woemn will find you attractive and want to be around you for more than shopping, softball games, and meals. I am not saying to have a ONS, just go have fun for your own mental health. Who cares if it makes the XW jealous or not, that isn't the point.
The upcoming vacation will be a great break for you. Your R is constantly in your face and causing some tunnel vision. Go and flirt your tail off while she is gone and realize what a catch you are. Your XW and you are obviously great parents and want to be a "family" with your kids but I keep hearing that you need more in a R. I again throw out the apology for my directness.
Many of us here live for our R. It is incredibly important but don't let it consume you. The pain my W caused me has burst my bubble. I now realize that it could all go away in a heart beat and it may. So what, we have done all we can to make it work. Eventually it comes down to a choice, stay miserable or write it off. I have not written my R off but I have definitely established an "allowance for doubtful accounts" to preserve my sanity. The difference between when I found this board and now is simply that I am comfortable that it may end. I will fight it for all that I am worth but I WILL NOT let it run my life. The stronger we are in regards to this, the better chance we have at saving the M. Three huge factors that we can't forget:
Satisfy their emotional needs Be as physically attractive as possible Have great strength and confidence in ourselves
Mass apology for my arrogance and "soap box" rant today but damn it we deserve good M and to not be abused by our SO. I would never have posted these recommendations on anyone else's thread because these are my own rather aggressive opinions and I won't feel bad if I get 100 posts that disagree. I simply feel that sometimes we all care too much and lose our objectivity.
My goal: To have a loving, functional, and positive R with my W.
My ideal: To have a loving functional, and positive R with my current W.
Everyone,
Please, please, please don't forget to take care of yourselves.
Been catching up on the most active threads since I'm back from vacation. There definately seems to be a common thread running thru them lately (Does anyone else see it?). Most (Me included) seem to be having trouble accepting our S refound commitments to M and worry that their S is only acting "As-If" things are fine. This is truly an ironic reversal of roles!! Why are we having such a difficult time accepting our S 180?!!
Tbone, You seem to be the only one who is getting a handle on this. Wish I had you resolve. You are right on when you responded on my thread about just be concerned with spending the best you can w/ S now. Ironically, I gave the same advise to Rachael M on her thread, but I called it "living in the moment". However, the doubts seem to return despite ourselves. Are missing something here? Perhaps, for a period of time, both partners need to act "As-If" the R is the way they want it before it becomes reality?
I think it is time that we co-author a book. Yes, both parties may have to act as if for a while before the feelings become real. So what. I am convinced my W is doing some acting right now (so am I) but that tells me that she is trying. Trying is a huge step in rebuilding a R. They may fail but realize they are trying. What more can they do? My W told me "you expect me to go from wanting to leave you very badly to all peachy keen over night?", "How am I supposed to believe that you won't just go back to your old ways". These were very fair statements and they made sense. We want them to love us so badly and maybe they want to but just cant right now.
Your W journal sounds similar to my W e-mails the last time I checked them. We were coming off of a very fun and passionate week and then I snooped and found out that she was still contacting these "friends". At first I was irate and was ready to go off but I cooled down and realized that we were still making great progress. This contact would probably continue to dwindle and it definitely seems to be (based on her minimal time on the computer). It takes time to change patterns so neither sitch should surprise anyone. I was a controlling, perfectionist, selfish jerk for 10 years so no wonder she was concerned that my changes were for real.
The sooner they believe that our lives don't revolve around them the sooner they want us back. Who wants a clinging, sniveling, possessive, jealous spouse? Not me or my W. Here is a funny situation. We have a king size bed and I used to almost always slide over to her side of the bed to "snuggle". Now I stay on my side and she comes to me. I usually get to bed first and would try to initiate when she came to bed and got rejected 50% of the time. Now, I just go to sleep when I get to bed only to be woken up 75% of the time by her initiating. Very interesting.
Just want to let you know that Im on the same page right now. And still learning what it means. I think this is an important lesson for us to learn in order to have a better R. She's been responsible for my happiness and my misery for most of our R and its finally changing, my progress seems to be as slow as hers. I learn to take responsibility for my own happiness, she learns to give a little more of herself to the R. Sometimes I feel like i am so tired of learning these lessons, but I suppose its necessary if I truley intend on living life.
Sometimes I feel like my W's MLC "passion" was necessary for both of us to wake up a little.
tbone Thanks for the reply on you're thread,everything you say is true.I am doing better by just smiling and saying good bye with no I love yous etc.I am afriad of the results if I go on a date because she will do one of three things get jealous,not care or get even and I don't like 2 of those 3 besides I'm not quite ready but getting close.
I too "snoop" lots of times I get pretty ticked at what I find, but then I have to remind my self of the old adage "those that listen at doors deserve what they hear". You've handled the sitch pretty good. Like you said things are improving....
One thing. The emotional energy your w is spending on her EAs is supposed to be going to you and the marrige. You deserve that much, and she needs to know that. She is still wiping her feet on the marriage all in the name of "helping or keeping new friends". Your marriage doesn't need those kind of friends in it. Tell her what she's doing is hurting you... and then hope she has the moxy to change.
T-Bone, I feel a little like you, because even though I have a lot of fun with H now, and he seems to be staying, I don't have confidence in "us" anymore. The element of trust is missing. We are also both acting "as if", I think. I posted about this over on the MLC forum. I'm trying to figure out what happens next.
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