Get out of jail FREE!

[KAW]

GO DIRECTLY PASS GO ... DO NOT COLLECT $200 ... but it appears I have been given a "Get out of jail FREE!" card. In other words, when I first registered for this BB, I expected to be first posting in the Newcomers forum, but recent events have shifted me into this forum. To explain more, here's my story:

Mid-November, 2001: Wife drops the "bomb" ... classic WAW. She is unhappy for last five years (since in hopital for depression), "loves me, but not in love..., needs to she to go out into the world on her own, then omits to EA with OM. I request after 18 years of marriage not to do anything rash, but to please consider it some more before taking any actions and I would leave her alone to think and started to change the things that made her unhappy, ie helping around the house - laundry, dishes, etc... (DBing before I even know there was such a term!)

Mid-Dec: Have dinner out - just the two of us. Probably, the first time in over a year! W decides recommits to marriage. Asks for new wedding rings for Xmas.

Obtained on Xmas Eve, new rings after being sized.
Holidays generally good, even states no longer has feelings for OM anymore!

Mid-Jan: 16 yr D breaks curfew again (I also have an 8 yr D too) ... I state if she cannot live by the rules set, I don't want her living here anymore. D storms out that nite. Wife states she doesn't blame me for sitch, but come home from work next Monday nobody is home including cats w/ note on table with wedding ring on note state she had to leave. No fowarding address, won't answer cellphone. Histerically, I snoop and discover torn paper with motel on it. Go to motel, car is there. Turn around and go back home. Next, morning I go to her work and ask to talk. She was very apprehensive. I told her I was not angry with what she did and if she needs to talk just call. Thursday nite she calls to say she is very sick, please come over. Spend the nite tending to her. Friday, she decides to come home.

1st weekend in Feb: Family minus 16yr old D takes planned weekend trip. With says she had a GREAT time.

Mid-Feb: W invites 22yr old D from previous marrage to move in (D's agenda is to save as much money for wedding in summer). I go along with it.

End-Feb: W invites be dinner after work. After dinner, W drops "atomic bomb"...OM is back, EA is now PA and she wants the big D! After much hurt, I decided and told her I still love her and still don't think the marriage is over. I became deperate, pleading and persuded. She now felt smothered and still wanted to leave. I backed off.
She became more receptive and I convinced her we should seek C.

Mid-Mar: Went to 1st C session, W says she want to work on marriage, says she loves me... C ended session with "I believe can make this work". Almost immediately after C, W becomes cold and distant. Wants to go out alone, turns into arguement as I am confused. As I snooped later, W was in contact with OM over the weekend. On Monday, W writes note to me saying it too hard to work at this and she wants out. Tuesday, I arrange meet with W's best friend (who seem to agree with me) to get more info. W shows up instead, VERY ANGRY!! Up to this point W was still wearing wedding ring. Now takes it off!
I told her I would back off, we would not work on OR anymore, but take things day by day.

End of Mar: W says she is taking two weeks off from work to sort things out. On Holidays, wears rings only during family gatherings.

A note about W's job: She started working P/T as cashier (min. wage) in school cafe as therapy for depression and to have a little xtra spending money. (Money has always been tight... just enough to pay bills but very little for any fun stuff.) She moved up to cook / kitchen manager ($1/hr more) at the beginning of school year in 2001. I been supportive and am actually proud of her.

1st half of Apr: W still home but does talk much. Since end of Mar, C has moved to individual session to work on ourselves first. W sees another C. One evening W leaves L card by pocketbook. When I ask, she says C recommended she seeks legal advise.

Mid-Apr: I request joint C since W will not talk at home. During C, W announces she has found an apt. and it will be available on 5/1 and she intends to move out. W tells me she has no money and will ask parents for money for apt. This means she will have to announce the split up. Parents are very religious of Catholic faith, which makes W very apprehensive about approaching them about split up. W says C recommends we tell youngest D about split. I told her to set a time.

May: Apt. didn't pass some inspection. W has to wait for repairs to be made. I get paid once a month, so we usually do food shopping once a month. W says we will now food shop on a weekly basis. May 8th, W musters courage to see IL (her parents). Tells me they say they don't have money...just bought new car (in cash), washing machine, etc. W goes to bank next day to apply for loan, was denied. Tells me all this Thursday nite. Friday, I go see IL to talk. They knew she was coming over to ask for something so they put out about $$$, but she never asked for any, but did tell them we mutually agreed to seperate. I told them I do not wish to seperate and hope marriage can still be saved. They then mention she called again today and they had said they would give some help, but now they won't give her all she had asked for.

Next Sunday is Mother's Day. The week before I initate contact with 16yr old D for the first time to begin new R with her and request she see her mom on Mday. She agrees. I purchase ruby ring W has been longing for. Sunday afternoon, we visit IL and W show ring to IL. When asked who gave it to her, she says, "My husband."

During the following week, W initiates talk with D with me there about split. On Friday she goes back to IL for money. They have big arguement. Saturday, W demands I give her the money from my savings for her apt or on Monday she will contact L for the big D! Turned into big arguement after which she stormed out of house with her D for the evening. On Sunday, I took little D with me for the day at the park. On the way home, D shows me where apt. is, as W showed her on Friday after IL visit. The apt turns out to own by OM and he lives next door!!

Monday when I come home from work, W is very depressed. Lost apt., but apparently didn't file for D. Tues, Wed., W continues to distance. Thursday, I discover DB book on website and read 1st chapter. Must have!! Will go to bookstore tomorrow! Friday, W wakes up and is naked and passionate. After she requests I stay home from work to be with her. DARN! Now I can't get the book!!! , but was nice day together.
Saturday, W is cranky, probably mad at herself for wanting to spend yesterday with me and says she still wants seperation. I decide to go out and stop by bookstore. Yes, they have the book. Start reading next couple of chapters right there in parking lot. Found out I made a lot of mistakes in what is called pursuit!

Let me just make a couple of overall comments about the past three months before going on to the darkest hour...The cycle has been weekly, where for half the week, W has been affectionate, caring, and passionately intimate and the other half cold and distant (Talk about 180's). A real rollercoaster ride for sure! W also been weekly (sometimes more frequently) making cellphone calls to OM, but stays home in the evenings. However, there is 3 hours a day from when she is off work to when I come home from work. We both have continued individual C sessions and have not had any OR talks since last joint C session. In turn I was doing quite a bit of snooping. Both on OM contact & finiances to see if she was getting closer to getting apt.

Sunday & Monday: W is affectionate again and I start DBing in earnst. While I figured out many of the 180's on my own, I started to concentrate on eliminating the DON'TS. On Tues, W sees C in the eve. Comes home and goes right to bed. I fear pattern of C&D (cold & distant) that usually occurs after C, but act "AS-IF" and cheerfully come to bed with her. She tells me C said no more sex because it continues to consumate the marriage. So we just cuddle in each other's arms for a while. Wed is good. On Thurs @ work, I was checking bank accounts on-line when, I discovered she had transfer all of her checking (which I share) & some money from my checking (which she shares) to an account I had no access to. (Later I confirmed [thru snooping] it was a new individual account). I went home that evening to C&D but polite, but no talk about $. Tried to give her an oppurtinty "to fess up" by asking what the weather will be like this weekend, because if nice we should repair our front steps with the xtra $ we have this month. NO RESPONSE. Friday, I woke up to W wanting a "quickie"! (Who is suppose to be doing the 180's here. She never liked it in the morning nor ever a "quickie"). Since all our expenses are paid from my checking acc., I decided to go to the bank and close out the joint and open a new individual for myself.

June 1st: Saturday when I asked about her plans for the weekend, she brought up repairing the steps. I then brought about having to switch accounts because I discovered she did the same and tranferred the xtra $ into hers. She got angry, but now armed with DB, I refused to get into an arguement and remained calm and said we will discuss this further when she cooled down. She decided to give me the $ she took from my acc and we went to Home Depot and purchase the materials.
Thru out the weekend the more C&D and angry she got. I refused to let it bother me. Now for 20 years (we lived together for two) up to this night, we have always slept together in the nude. Now, she decided to go to bed in a nite shirt.
This continued to Wed. I could take it anymore and broke down and snooped. I discovered info about Family Services and figured she was going for Child Support and maybe even the Big D, but I continued to act AS-IF. However to protect myself, I finally broke down and made an appointment with L. Towards the end of week, W begins to warm up again (indluding losing the nite shirt at nite), but I don't gather much comfort in that and continue to DB.

Tues, 6/11: Coffee pot craps out, W suggest we go to the mall in the eve. Buy coffee pot in Sears. W doesn't want to go home and suggest we walk the mall. As we start at on end, W takes my hand. 1st time in two months as she claim being with me in public makes her uncomfortable. By the time we were at the other end we were arm in arm and she initiated all contact. I just savored the evening.

Thurs, 6/13: Had appointment with L after work. Got home about an hour late & continue with AS-IF, but didn't have to for much longer. Instead of another bomb, I got fireworks!!
W started with "I have something to tell ya...I falling in love with you..." with "its over with OM" in the middle and ended with "I want to work on our marriage."

I apoligize for cramming 7 months into one post. I've been lurking here for a couple of weeks, but finally felt compelled to join in. In part, I feel guilty after reading how long most here have been working on DB, and it turn out to be a very short period of time for me, but one point I wanted to point out in this very long winded post is that just when I thought OR was at its darkest hour, the rays of light have bursted thru.

Thanks to all who are still reading this. Many of you without knowing it were a great help to me here at the BB while I soaked it all in...

P.S. Its been a great couple of weeks (Another goal met - We finally broke the weekly cycle!)
I now am on this forum looking for advise on how to continue DBing on the next level. Any responses are very welcome...

'til later,
KAW

[KAW]

Oh! One important detail I left out.

When W sparked off the fireworks, the grand finale was that she pulled out her wedding rings she put away three months ago and placed them back on her finger.

'til later,
KAW

[ANS]

Wow, Kaw!

I see you’re not getting a lot of people flocking to your thread. What can we say? You’ve DB’d to perfection!

Like you, I DB’d before I even knew it existed, but I hafta admit that you did a much better job of it than I.

You sound so emotionally stable! You may still encounter setbacks, but if you continue to do what you’ve been doing… What can I say? Ya done great.

TTFN,
Andy

[KAW]

I hope I didn't give the impression that path traveled was fairly smooth ... oh contraire ... it was full of bumps and potholes!

Emotionally stable!! Oh decieving ... but I am riding a high right now which is why it may seem that way. Actually, this is what spurred me to join in at this time. As I had mentioned we just broke the weekly cycle of ups & downs, I am getting more anxious waiting for the other shoe to drop!

I was preparing to hunker down for the long haul to fight to win her back, when W sprang the "I'm falling in love with you". I was caught totally off guard! Now what do I do?! How do I work on piecing?

'til later,
KAW

[ANS]

Sorry if I gave you the impression that you sailed through this , Kaw. I know it hasn’t been easy.

But there are so many posters around here that just don’t get it. Their fear, frustration, and sense of injustice prevents them from focussing on what has to be done. You became solution oriented before you even heard of DB, and the timeframe in which you turned things around is mind boggling.

I’ve been married for the same length of time as you (19th anniversery in Aug), and though I’m doing very well, in some respects, you’re way ahead of me.

Despite having your guts torn out and fed to you by your W, you stuck to the programme. That’s what I meant by being emotionally stable.

As to your question… what do you do now? You already know the answer to that, my friend. You keep doing what you’ve been doing.

The golden rule of DBing is… If it works, do it. If it doesn’t work, stop doing it.

It’s as simple as that. Note, simple and easy aren’t the same thing.

Andy

[tbone]

Andy is right about so many things. I am one of those posters with major fear and frustration messing up my DBing. You are doing the right things: strength, stability, solutions. I will be attempting to copy what you did to help your R by focusing on the 3 S's.

TBONE

[KAW]

Andy,
Thanks for the uplifting input. My initial concern was if my strategy needed to shift as I went from winning her back to piecing. Now I have come to realize I need to re-evaluate my goals to achieve the next level.

- Actually, the first one will be to open up the lines of communication to where we both are more confortable discussing whatever issue we have. This has always been a major problem in M. Last weekend, my W was apprehensive to bring up how she uncomfortable she is about the next time we visit with my sister, since she has been a major supporter for me thru all of this. I quickly acknowledged how she shouldn't fear startin such discussions and then we quietly talk about the next time she meets my sister and I tried to ease her concerns.

- A couple of weeks ago in our 1st OR talk about working on marriage, she mentioned how scared she is of things going back to the way they were. I need to tend to this too. I just recently read a thread about the need to make the R feel safe for S. WOW! Yea THAT's IT!! I need her to feel safe & confortable in the R!

Guess this post is more of a journal entry. Sorry to start typing/talking to myself ... W always ribbed me about mummbling to myself!!

Don't know if this was the right thing to do, but W likes to read a book before going to sleep at night and finished all her books. So over the weekend, I asked if she would be interested in reading DR. She reacted lukewarm to the idea, but took the book would read only couple of pages at a time, but last night she really went to town & finished the first two chapters. However, she hasn't made any comments yet. I dying to know what her thoughts are when she reads it. Hope I am not pushing things to quickly by introducing DR to her just couple of weeks after RTR (returning to R).

'til later,
KAW

[ANS]

The one thing to remember, Kaw, is that "what works" is a moving target. It doesn't matter what "stage" of DBing you're at, something that worked yesterday may not work today.

Having said that, you posted that you're doing more things that show you care and appreciate her (helping around the house - laundry, dishes, etc...)

I don't think that these things will ever do you wrong.

The communications issue is a bit tricky, though.

There's some interesting stuff over on my thread about this. Give it a look:

Balance (Page 2)

It also includes Zebra's stuff about feeling safe (I copied it over to my thread)

The general consensus is that we should not give DR to our spouses. However, if you feel comfortable doing so, then I suspect that you feel she's open to it.

Often, offering DR to a spouse is viewed as pressure to "put some effort" into your R. If your W doesn't feel pressure, then it might not be a bad thing. It might even show her that your motivations for working on your R aren't completely selfish.

TTFN,
Andy

[KAW]

So that's where I read it! I re-read it again ... thanks for the refresher.

'til later,
KAW

[carolkh]

My H and I found John Gottman's books really helpful (on communication in marriage) as well as His Needs, Her Needs by Harley.

Better to keep DR and DB as your own private weapon if needed.

Carol