Just when I thought things were finally getting good, I'm feeling the same pain all over again.
H told me yesterday he was miserable. I know he is. It was a little too close for comfort because that's exactly the line he used when he dropped the bomb. "I'm miserable and don't know why."
He's having an awful time at work. Company change-over; different responsibilities. It's a dead-end job at this point. But I feel like he takes out his frustrations on me and blames me for it. That's a lot of what happened last year. He was miserable, and he decided that I must be making him miserable.
I love him. I think he is the most amazing person I know. But I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. His parents told me he's never been happy...not even as a child. And that's all I want.
I thought we were doing well. Things were great. We were talking to each other. I was making great strides in being honest with him instead of sparing his feelings. I've been hanging out and helping him around the garage. I've kept my mouth shut about our living arrangement. He was touching me more.
But I get some confusing signals from him. One minute he's hugging me or touching me, etc. and the next he's giving me this look. His mother saw the look the other night as I was walking by him. She asked him what that was for. I could tell she was shocked. I'm not perfect, but I've been pretty damn clear close...and have done just about everything he's wanted me to do. I've been staying home every night after work. I clean constantly. I stopped spending money. I agreed to move in with his parents. My whole point is that I know deep down that I am not his problem. Even after I changed everything he picked at, he's still not happy.
So, I'm trying to put my DB thinking cap back on. I know I need to start with my goals.
1. I want H to be happy. 2. I want to feel comfortable in my M. 3. I want to have real intimacy.
How will things be different when those 3 goals are met? What would be my miracle day?
1. H would call me on the phone and sound happy. 2. H would not give me those "if looks could kill" looks anymore. 3. H and I would talk about what's going on in our lives without the fear that one of us is going to leave. 4. H would stop calling me names and speak civily to me when he's irritated over things. 5. H will hold my hand.
Basically, we would spend some time together. We would talk to each other like humans with some compassion. I've just been so afraid of him dropping another bomb or worse yet, just leaving. But then I have other signs that contradict that. He's putting me on the plan for work that will let me drive his company car. He's helping me look for a job near where we will be living. He's been helping me move our stuff. So sometimes I think he's emotionally packing to leave, but then I see other things that make me question that.
Hi, I dont know the history behind your situation.
But I do know when the decision has been made to come together it takes time for them loving feelings to return for both of you. He made the decision at one time to stop loving you and this has to redevelope. You need to have lots of patients.
My H has been home 11 months and it has gradually grown to the point that he is doing things to make me happy not just me trying to make him happy. Remember you cant make him happy. If his mother said he has never been happy then it probably is so. He married you to be happy when that didnt happen he left. He has obviously now returned because he realized that you are not the one who made him unhappy. You stood beside him through this difficult situation and that he is thankful for.
Most men have to be lead down the garden path. They have to be told what to do. Unfortunately, this is the way. I had to go this route. Dont put up with any abuse. When he says or does something that makes you mad or sad. It is time to set a boundry lovingly. I have been living it breathing it. Slowly we are solving many issues that I found unacceptable because with DBing I have become strong and if he doesnt want to comply he can move on.
I want it to work and will work hard but so does he. We have worked through the standard stuff. Coming and going, children, taking me out, acting like my boyfriend,money. I am now working on the bedroom behaviour. This one may backfire, He is a very selfish man. He wants it when he wants it how he wants it and no thought of anybody else. He appeared at the side of the bed this morning no plans of getting in just wanted me to take care of him, I said no You have been away all weekend and you are showing up today for me to take care of you with no thoughts of me. When I refused to do what he wanted he wasnt interested in making the effort to make me feel good. He went along with the no. I got up as usual made his lunch coffee and sent him on his merry way. He did ask me if I have used the special coffee mug he bought me as a present. I hope this was a positive note. He has to think of me also. It is hard but I have to set this next boundry to be happy. Wish me luck. He just came home. Bye. Loretta
Loretta’s right. You can’t make him happy. But. You can show him the way.
Do NOT tell him how to be happy. That’ll only invalidate his feelings, and he’ll (again) project that onto you. “My W doesn’t understand me. How can I be happy in a R with her?”
So. How do you do it? You be happy. You show him by example.
You’ve listed three goals, that will presumably make you happy. The first one is out of your control, albeit within your sphere of influence. As to your second goal, act as-if you’re comfortable in your M. The idea behind acting as-if is not only to present the comfortable feeling to your H, but to present it to yourself. You have to convince yourself that things are comfortable.
The more relaxed you get, the more likely he is to confide in you. That brings you to goal #3.
So, IMHO, what you do is to continue what you’ve been doing wrt things that “he picked at” But, it doesn’t end there. You also have to be a fun person, and a good friend. I bet that you were these things when he fell in love with you.
He sounds like he is incapable of making himself happy and is angry at you for failing to do so.
This makes for a very, very, very difficult relationship.
Take care of YOU first. Meet his expressed needs but don't go overboard. See if he can "catch" happiness from you.
Possibly, he is clinically depressed. He might need a medical evaluation. Also if he is out of shape or eating garbage he can never feel good.
Would he agree to counseling? For himself primarily, but you can go too if you think it would help.
If you try all these things, and he continues to be a miserable person, geez, you might have to consider living on your own for a time to send a message that you cannot live with him unless he is willing to change. His chronic misery will sap all the life out of your marriage.
Dont' live in fear of his bombs. YOU are the one who should be picking and choosing, it seems to me!
Thank you very much for your responses. I think I need to clarify the situation. My thread has been long gone, so there's nothing for me to link to for background information. Basically, he told me he was miserable last summer. I think I steered that conversation to where it went. He started off just telling me he was miserable and I kept pushing, "It must be about me." That's beside the point. He never moved out, but did spend an awful lot of time sleeping when he was home. He started sleeping with his clothes on. Our conversations were limited to "How was your day." I very quickly found this website and ordered DB, DR and Getting Through. In the process I recognized my own contributions to our problems and made some real changes in my behavior. Things finally started turning around. For Christmas he gave me a card that said "We've had a rough year but we managed to keep our heads above our doubts."
I know better than to have more than one thread, but I went ahead and posted in Newcomers Monday night because I used to get a better response there. Anyway, here's the thread I Really Need Some Help!!!! PMA at all time low! I started over there and it's more in depth than over here because I had a quicker response.
I've also had a session with my counselor (the first since November). Basically, she said that I am way off on the stress charts with a move, job change, and some other family issues. My marriage, in her opinion, is fine.
Yes, H is depressed right now. I suppose the ultimate question is what he wants out of life because there's no tangible reason for him to feel this way. But that's beside the point. I'm working on detaching myself from his moods and not taking everything so personally. He told me the other night that he knows he's not the easiest person to live with, and that sometimes he's angry--sometimes at me and sometimes at other people/things. C told me I need to ask him to let me know the difference.
I'm sure that this is all normal, and the stressors we have going on are really a large part of what's going on.
I agree with the others that said that your H sounds depressed. Encourage him to see his doctor for a check-up. Tell him you're worried about him and the stress he's been under with his job. H may be told he needs medication and counseling.
I encourage you to think everyday about these two words: self care. Find some ways to help you deal with all your stress. Do something everyday to take care of you: body, mind, and spirit. Eat well, exercise, and enjoy something to soothe your soul - read, journal, garden, listen to music, whatever "does it" for you.
The only other suggestion I have for you is to let your H know when you are feeling happy and to tell him things you would like to do together that would make you happy. i.e., "It would really make me happy if" - you'd sit on the porch with me for 10 minutes and hold my hand. or, we went for a walk, or a bike ride, or out for ice cream, or whatever little things come to mind. Maybe he'd feel more successful as a person if he felt more successful as a H. Ask yourself each day, what small thing can I do today to help move me closer to H?
There's also a book I have that's very good - The Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. The book has helped me a great deal.
