We are about to come up on our 3rd anniversary of putting our marriage back together. While we are doing very well (yahoo!), the last two of these anniversaries (the day I found out about the affair which also happened to be my birthday) have been awful. I am hoping this year will be better.
Here's our link, (I hope I'm doing this right) web page
Maybe I could think about it as birth being a traumatic event and so our marriage was born in earnest on my birthday. That's positive. It is amazing how I can find all kinds of ways to look at things to help me handle them better then to this day something will come out of the blue and give me a jolt. It used to knock me flat and steamroll all over me so great progress has been made!
We've just gotten back from our first lengthy time alone since we started "peacing" and it was wonderful! (Wrote a lot about it and lost it in cyberspace somehow, but there’s a little in the staying solution focused section).
The plan for birthday redemption this year is that my H will take several days off and we will spend them going through all our stuff to prepare to move. There is nothing I would rather do! (Haven't found the house yet but hope to soon.) The last time I went through our stuff I found a very unpleasant souvenir from the affair (the day before HIS birthday!) which I told him about many months later (yukky stuff but finally telling him about it was helpful and went well).
The other major date we have to redeem is our wedding aniversary, also the date he signed for their rondevous room which they kept for several years (another accidental discovery). I can tell I’m getting way better because even 6 months ago it would have shaken me to write that. Now it’s matter of fact—and this with no meds. We’ve done a little better about redeeming this day over the three tries we’ve had. I went all out with arrangements the first year.
My H does well with planning other things (he is meticulous if it has to do with his work) but I guess this is just too charged for him to handle. I can understand how it would be.
So with the success of our 10 days of productive and happy time together and all I've learned, we go to the next phase. I might need to touch base here over the next week or two and will see if I can be helpful to others in that time as well.
Hi Andy! I do remember you! We all wrote great stuff way back when, eh? Still writing great stuff...this is priceless: "Throughout my entire ordeal, my basic technique was to become the person that my inflated ego thought I already was."
Ah, the striving for the ideal self! How are you? 2L
As to me, I’m still plugging away. Things are better for me than I ever thought possible in two short years
I developed the strategy of striving for the ideal self before I ever even heard of DB. Pre-bomb, all I ever heard was what a great couple we were. What great parents we were. How hard we worked – particularly with the challenge of an handicapped child. I heard this from everyone – including W. Immagine what a shocker it was to be told what a lazy slob I was!
I knew that this wasn’t the real Andy, but perception is everything. The way I figured it, I wasn’t projecting the real Andy to W. Thus my quest to do more than my best. I decided that I had to set the bar higher.
I’ve espoused this to a lot of other DBers. Mick even accused me of “original thought” over on Head First (Page 1)
And, y’know something? Original or not, it worked for me.
Of course, I can never attain the ideal me. It’s a life long undertaking. But, recognizing that I’ll never be perfect doesn’t prevent me from trying to be perfect.
Things are going quite well. We are not getting chores done but we are having an exceptionally peaceful few days and today is the big day.
Here's what I think helped this time:
I made a very strong and specific request for my H to take off work. I have gotten better at requesting little but letting my H know that what I do request is important. This is not exactly out of the DB handbook but it has worked for us. I would prefer my H to get the idea without me being so blatant but that didn't work.
Interestingly, my H really surprised me by paying close attention this weekend when I went ga ga over a gardenia plant and he had a gorgeous gardenia delivered to the house. This from a man who never gave me flowers until again I was very specific..."roses, red roses, mean love". The roses came valentine's day. The gardenia was flabbergasting! I was smitten that he had listened.
I've become more patient, more aware of how precious we both are, more amazed that we are able to connect and that has led to connecting better than ever.
My H has responded with showers of love. He deserves plenty of credit. How he has learned all that he has is beyond me. He seeks no help in any way. No books, no therapists, no relationship exercises.
I am a very, very, very (could write a lot of verys) grateful that we have found our way. Hope we can stay here, at least with the new foundation we have built. The storms will come from time to time I'm sure but it feels like we are standing together now. Dare I say it? I think my H may be finally really married to me.
Take heart, those of you who are still struggling. It can happen, even after big trauma.
Coming over for a visit from the midlife crisis board. Good to see someone having success.
I am hopeful that one day I'll be able to write those types of things as well. My H is being loving towards me in ways but still says (kindly) that he needs to move his life in a different direction.
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