Glad to be here. Here's my "newcomer" thread title:
"I have been crushed, help me please"
I moved here because my W seems to be back to our R but I am not sure what to do from here. She was typical WAW saying "I don't love you", pursueing OM, EA's but no PA's. I was at my limit and confronted her and told her what my feelings were. It got very tough for a couple of days and I was pretty sure she was going to leave. The opposite happened and we are moving forward. Go figure. I have been very laid back and just enjoying our good times. No ILY's, no OR talks, etc.
What do I do now? From what I have seen on this board, probably nothing. I will do that but I am concerned that the R will simply go bad again without more positive changes. What do you all think? I haven't heard ILY from her in 19 mo and I won't be comfortable until she is to that point.
It's funny how everyone who moves themselves over here is so hesetant. There are so many threads with titles like "Not sure if I should be here" (Ultrea), or "I THINK the divorce is busted" (treesa2), or "I just wonder if I belong in this section." (LonelyAtNight).
The idea you get from this is that we're never quite sure when things can go south on us.
The moral of the story is that DBing does not end when we get our spouse "back".
So. Where does that leave you? What do you do now?
You're sorta right when you say nothing. What you've done so far has gotten you this far, so it's definately not the time to stir the pot.
But, read some more threads - particularly in the piecing forum, and perhaps some success stories.
Your W won't be ready to jump into Relationship renovations right away, but as things continue to improve, she'll want to participate.
Just show her by example what it is to be a great spouse. It'll rub off.
Thanks for your input. I think I am doing the right thing but then I wonder if I am simply afraid to want more. Proactive is my middle name so I am really fighting my nature to just let it happen.
One thing that I find really strange is how physically attracted she has been to me lately. Yeah, I have been working on that but I figured the emotional stuff would need to improve greatly first. My W can throw curves and change-ups like you can't believe. My goal is to not let either the good or the bad get me too excited. My biggest concern is that I think she realized I was about to throw her out. If that is what brought her back it can very easily revert. I am trying to be her everything while she is receptive to it. I wish others on this board would get that chance. The trick is to make the best of it.
My mind has screwed me up too many times so from now on I am going with my gut.
I wish I knew what my problem was today. My PMA is in the crapper for really no good reason. Am I flipping out or do we all go through this? The only thing that I can think of is I am going through snooping withdrawal. It has been over a week and that may be the cause for my anxiety. She told me many times in the past several days how attractive I am and how sweet I have been so why do I feel like she is going to find someone else. If she does it doesn't matter anyway so why can't I shake this?. She also spent her whole day off yesterday landscaping our yard so obviously she isn't going anywhere. Somebody kick my but into shape or at least yell at me to buck up.
My goal for today is to not let her know my insecurity level is rising again. She hates that. Another question for you wise ones. When I spend a lot of time with my W I feel very good then and for a couple of days after and then I freak. Do any on you go through this? She makes me feel like she couldn't be happier with me and then when we're apart I feel like I am competing for my position. I like we are comfortable with each other right now but we aren't making any progress to that next level. I can obsess with the best of them can't I?
Input is always appreciated. Time to focus elsewhere for a while. I'll check in later.
In a sense, it's easier before we get to the "piecing" stage. The worse our sit is, the more evident what we have to do is. We take comfort in baby steps.
Fast forward to "I moved here because my W seems to be back to our R but I am not sure what to do from here."
Things aren't so evident any more. We want more than mere baby steps.
Step back a moment, and relish how far you've come, tbone.
Are you "there" yet? Of course not. It's never over. And that's the way it sould be.
The comfort will come. Trust me.
I been at this for almost two years. Did I feel secure two weeks ago? Nope. Do I feel secure today?
Your feeling are quite normal, I think. Snooping withdrawal might be it. In my experience, it's a really addiction. I had a bought of it last week, seriously, and it led to something with W.
All in all, I think you're just experiencing the healing of frayed nerves. Michele askes on one book "if your R was working perfectly, and everything was fine, what would you be doing with all the time and energy you've been spending working on saving it?" I think one of the things I've done is to experience a vacuum the wants to be filled, and in the beginning it was easiest to fill it with what I had been filling it with... obscession. So, you find something else. I think it was neat to find all this time I never knew I had to obsess. Now that I don't do that so much, I still have the time.
Glad you're here. You will see the pace is a lot slower, and the answers tend to be more from experience that from speculation, as happens on the other board. It's a good place to be.
Thanks guys, I appreciate the insight. I just took her lunch and helped her with her computer work. It sure feels good to be around her. I was going to help her and then go get lunch but I just ran next door and got us lunch to share. I told her that way she gets lunch (doesn't eat lunch usually) and we get some more time. She said it was very nice.
Z,
You know all about my obsession problem. Still working on it. I am trying to go back to doing the things I always did except with more courtesy and consideration for others. She could somehow sense when I had enough of her BS and I started to care less. I am now trying to convert that over to care more but don't smother. You guys are helping me to stay objective about the situation. I need that because I can micro-manage with the best of them.
We have a busy weekend planned but that is probably good. We have been spending a lot of time together so the activities are probably a very good thing. Lord knows I don't want her to get sick of "quiet time" with me.
Some of my close friends think it was a very good thing that I confronted her. They didn't want to say it before but they were thinking the EA's would of escalated very soon. I will never know but hindsight sure is interesting. The EA's seem to be going away. I don't know because Zebra helped me quit snooping but she sure has a lot to talk about lately. Aha, that is all I wanted was for her to lean on me for a change. Oh the baby steps.
Pure unadulterated excitement planned tonight for W and I. Pressure washing a 500+ sq. ft. deck. Oh, how do I contain the emotions. Now that is reality.
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