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#74356 04/27/02 02:39 AM
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MIKEGEE Offline OP
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I haven't been on the board for a few months, but here's a quickie. My wife and i separated a year ago last august. she asked me to leave because the marriage wasn't working for her. we did the counseling thing and she lied all the way through it, as i suspected she was having an affair. after a 1 year separation, DBing and working real hard on just being happy my wife and i have been living together again for seven months. Things are great! there was a period during which things were a little fragile. this had to with her having to regain trust and truly believing that i had forgiven her. She also had to forgive herself. this was a process not an event. The things that i learned during our separation have made me a better person. our lows are really not that low any more due to the power of modeling behavior. it took a while but eventually she began acting like i was being. consideration, forgiveness, understanding, and most of all patience have become my greatest allies. My wife regularly tells me that she loves me and has become very affectionate. (one of her previous issues was she was not attracted and didn't love me in that way) This has changed also she has become a little more forward shall we say. I am constantly aware of how things that i did allowed her to build up resentments and i don't do those things anymore ( unless i slip every now and then, and i fix it immediately upon revealation). the most important thing that got me through this process was rigorus self honesty. acknowledging the part i played in the breakdown and working on those areas. doing my part and watching god do the rest. In the past i have been very guarded and humble about what has happened concerning the complete reconciliation of our marriage. Now i feel very comfortable in saying that through DBing, the support of the people on this board and most importantly the grace of God I do have a success story to tell. [Wink]
peace
mikeg

#74357 04/27/02 03:05 AM
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Hi mikeg;

WOW! You've given me hope! What a very happy story...one I hope I can add to this board someday!

I have a question: specifically, what did you say, or she say, or what did you do, or she do, that brought you home? I mean, did she just one day ask you to come home? Or what took place right before you moved back? I mean was it a conversation you two had? I'm trying to learn what was the exact 'trigger' that got the ball rolling - I mean packing, moving, etc.

Please be as specific as you can. I know what has to take place to get up to that point. I just want to know 'what' was said, or 'what'was done - did she call you? Did you get together over dinner?

This issue has been troubling me. I wonder how do you know the time is right, and it's not going to be viewed as 'pressuring' to approach the subject of returning.

Any insight would be most helpful, and much appreciated.

Thank you,
MomOfTwo

[ April 26, 2002, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: MomOfTwo ]

#74358 04/28/02 04:47 AM
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MIKEGEE Offline OP
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MOT,
please remember this concept THIS IS A PROCESS NOT AN EVENT! there were many conversations. The most important thing i can share with you is not to initiate the conversation.patience is a virtue that i had to struggle with. it is necessary for your spouse to be firm in the thought that it her/his idea and /or that they are ready. Now that doesn't mean allow yourself to be strung along because during this process you are suppose to be strengthening your relationship with you in order to have the strength to make the right decisions. This includes the decision to move on. if he/she is not ready your bringing it up will be perceived as pressure and sometimes rightfully so. my wife and I had a very strong pursuer -distancer thing going on (i was the pursuer) so when i started to consistantly out distance her(my 180) she would start resorting to something she thought i wanted to hear to start the chase again. the trick was to learn how to maintain just the right distance. Once that is learned and mastered it is a thing of beauty, like reeling in a prize catch. this coupled with patience led us to the point she started bringing up the subject of moving back. once this happened i had to be very careful. the responses had to be positive but not enough to start the chase. hey i gotta go got an barber appointment my wife and i are going out tonight. i will get back up in about 2 hours read ya then
peace mikeg [Cool]

[ April 27, 2002, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: MIKEG ]

#74359 04/27/02 06:56 PM
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MIKEGEE Offline OP
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HEY MOT,
i'm back, as i was saying my responses had to be very measured.the message you have to convey is kinda like a juggling act. i have to let you know that i care and am open to being back together but i am going on with my life right now even as we speak. you can go in the archives and look at some of my post from last year. dec 29, 2001 should give you a lot of the information your looking for. You can get through this people like myself are proof.
mike g [Wink]

#74360 04/27/02 10:57 PM
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Hi MikeG;

Thank you for responding to my inquiry. I realize this is a VERY long process, and I'm learning as I go. My H left about 4 months ago.

The actual 'return home' conversation always made me wonder more than anything! I also understand that it has to come from him, since he is the one who left us. I've learned patience, and now I understand the dynamics of it all.

Thank you for the encouraging words - and I've finally got a handle on the 'letting go' principle...only wish I had known that right after he left. It would have spared me a lot of suffering, and him digging his heels in deeper.

But, now I am stronger, and ready for the long bumpy ride. To hear stories like yours means more to me than you could imagine! This is all so unbelieveable, so hearing positive end results is encouraging on days when things don't look so good.

Thanks again, and I wish you all the best!
MomOfTwo [Smile]

#74361 04/29/02 11:28 AM
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Mike,

Glad things are going well and that you are enjoying your new R with W.

K

#74362 04/29/02 01:12 PM
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Hi, Mike:

Glad to hear your news and I am very happy for you. Keep doing what works!

Violet

#74363 04/30/02 06:16 PM
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mikeg:

good to see your post and update. I think of you often.

MF

#74364 04/30/02 07:36 PM
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Hi MikeG,

I'm chiming in my congratulations! Your story is an inspiration.

I went back and read through the posts you suggested to Mom Of Two, and found a lot of similarities to where I am now. (I hope I/we get to where you are! )

I'm trying to figure out how to maintain that right amount of distance you spoke of and to also build closeness. Your posts really helped. Any other thoughts about that?

Thanks for providing more signs along the road [Smile]

LeeP

#74365 05/01/02 06:22 PM
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MikeG,
Really glad that things are going so well for you!
[Smile]
rayanne


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