Just done something very difficult!

[AZdoc68]

I have been lurking on many of these boards for a long time and have read many posts -- thank you to all. I have something to share, to just get off my chest so to speak.

My story in a nutshell:
Married 10+ years, no kids
WAW leaves 7/06
S period--I do all the wrong things (acting desperate, pursuing, begging, etc.--you all know the drill)
WAW decides to file 1/07; I discover WAW started involvement w/ OM ~fall of 2006
D legally complete 7/07
XW marries OM 11/07 only days after his D (his 3rd D; he is much older and has multiple children from different prior marriages) is final

I found the DB website late in the game (11/06) and told WAW about it. Her intitial reaction was positive ("seems interesting, I'll check into the telephone coaching") but like so many other false starts along the way was never followed up constructively by her. We had gone to counseling, seminars ("The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman"), & educational courses ("Choosing Wisely Before You Divorce"), etc. all to no avail. She simply would NOT engage in any reconciling dialogue or activity. With the exception of a long weekend away for the seminar (10/06), she spent maybe 8 hours total with me one-on-one in 6 months during our entire S. When I asked her to do something together (lunch, movie, zoo, church, etc.), I would usually get no response or a "no thanks" text message. Most often she would not answer her phone and would not return calls. Sometimes she would text "can we talk tonight?" and then not call or answer if I called her. Many times she would hang up on me if we did happen to have a phone conversation. Her anger & hurt were so pervasive (Her "wall" was soooo high!) and she refused to believe what she was told and read (multiple sources) regarding love and forgiveness being CHOICES. Likewise, any mention of "actions preceding feelings" and admonitions about "not being led by feelings" (presence of negative ones & absence of positive ones) were met with scorn, dismissiveness, and disbelief.

There were a few memorable instances when she actually seemed to waver a little and open her heart just a bit, but these were all followed rapidly by withdrawal and emotional retreat. At the time, I was baffled & frustrated by this but now I understand it and the mentality of the WAW much better. I certainly found DB way too late in the game and fell on GAL'ing and the LRT. I doubt she ever really noticed or cared in a meaningful way. I doubt that even DB'ing better or earlier would have made much difference; the disadvantage of a childless marriage is that there is little opportunity/necessity for contact during a S if the WAS is in full avoidance mode, especially once a new love interest is brought into the picture. The WAS has little ability to see the LBS in a new light if they just won't talk or spend any time with their M partner.

Like most LBHs, I never saw it coming and initially had NO idea of what was going on. I felt her gradually being more distant, staying out later, etc. during the last 6-9 mos. before the S but mistakenly ascribed it to job stresses and/or "a phase." There were 2 occasions after the S when I tried to ascertain what was going on in her head and she drove away leaving me crying with the words "its your turn to be a mind-reader, you figure it out!" By her own admission (now), my xW is a horrible communicator when it comes to her emotional needs; she has the attitude that someone should "just know." I do freely admit that I did a poor job of meeting her ENs and did not recognize when I was not. Needless to say, xW felt it was all my fault for "ruining a really good thing" and "squandering her love" and, while acknowledging she did an inadequate job of informing me in time, made no allowance whatsoever for the possibility that things could be made better ("love cannot erase the past, but can make the future different"). My apologies and attempts to prove otherwise were met with "it is toooo late now!" and (angrily) "it took a BOOK for you to learn this!" as well as all the WAW speeches we are all familiar with: "ILYBINILWY", "there is nothing left to rekindle", "I tried, but I can't get it back", etc., etc. I also heard other common guilt-assuaging statements like "God wants me to be happy", "I'm struggling with how God will view this", and "You are a good man...and I know you will recover." In short, when she was not screaming at, mocking, or berating me, she was as cold as ice...a story many of you sadly know all too well.

It goes without saying, but I was emotionally devastated by the D and her A (a two-way home-wrecking episode) which she grudgingly and tearfully admitted started before she even decided to file, though I know not precisely when/how. I have heard "I'm sorry you are/were hurt", "I worshipped you and loved you sooo much!", and "You just needed to LISTEN!" but never any remorse, regret, or change of heart from her. It was all VERY out of character for her and I never would have predicted in a million years that she would ever choose the path she has. There is undoubtedly lingering guilt there but pride would never permit her to admit that. I admit to feeling bitter and angry toward her for a long time (and probably still am a little bit), but I decided to do something very difficult recently anyway...

I had not seen my W/XW in over a year (since 2/07) and had very little phone/email/text contact with her either. We had many, many photo albums of our M together still at our (now my) house which I had thrown into a large spare garbage can in the garage. They had sat there since mid-'07 and I had not tossed them out mainly because I thought she might ask for some pictures as the decree stated she was entitled to (fearing legal repercussions). She never contacted me to ask for them or the few other items remaining in the house she had received in the settlement agreement. I decided to finally rid myself of the albums which had laid forgotten for 9 months or so and planned on simply dumping them in the trash.

Somehow, I brought myself to text her about them (figuring I would hear no response). We ended up having a text conversation about her mom (near death) and the albums (which she wanted rather than me trashing them) and a piece of memorabilia related to her mom she now wanted "to remember her by." I struggled with this for a while...the devil on one shoulder wanted to throw them out just to deny them to her. I also imagined her condensing/blending our photos in to her larger collection and was hurt over the prospect of becoming just "a chapter in her life scrapbook" so to speak. That really bothered me! But, I also wanted them gone from my house so I could never stumble upon or be tempted to look at them ever again. Finally, I decided to do what she had refused to do earlier - to do the RIGHT THING even though I did not feel like doing it - and arranged a meeting with her at my/our former house to give them to her.

It was one of the most emotionally trying experiences I have ever prepared for...to see her again after over a year and with little contact and with no idea of what to expect. That happened about a week ago. I was exceedingly nervous and terrified for some reason but was determined to show no fear and to act "put together." Hard to describe how horrible it felt...I almost wanted to cancel at the last minute and chicken out.

But I didn't. We met and I loaded the items into her truck for her and then had a 15-20 minute conversation. Talked about her mom (whom she has not seen due to a dysfunctional relationship with her dad which preceded our D but was only exacerbated by his disapproval of her A and re-M) and her sister (has cancer -new news to me). We also talked about some issues from "us." She admitted a poor communicative effort and I apologized (yet again) for my regrets. She asked for a hug which I somewhat reluctantly and uncomfortably engaged in. It was very difficult for me to see her and I could tell it was for her too (I think we both acted strong and choked back tears). In particular, it was hard for me to see her new wedding ring and to hear her advise me "for your next time, do/don't do (blank); I really just want you to be happy."

I was dressed well in some stylish new clothes she had never seen and she noticed: "you look really nice - I would never have guessed before you would wear something like that!" I only said thank you and that "well, things change..." There was some other small talk about my parents/work/former friends/dating (which I all deflected with one word answers thinking "why do you suddenly care now?"), but it was all very cordial and mutually accepting of what we both could/should have done better. Funny thing is, I was surprised by one thing - she did NOT look very good! Hair so-so, skin broken out, and she had definitely put on 20lbs or so... It's hard to describe, but even though I HATE what she did, I will always love her because of our history and would never have chosen this path if I could have made it different. And I was also left with the feeling that the way she looked right then, I probably would not be that attracted to her if this had been our very first meeting...weird!

I walked back in after she left wondering to myself "Why the HECK couldn't we have had a meeting of the minds like this before???" and "why didn't she engage with me like this earlier???" Even after the D, but before she re-M the OM??? It was all so cozy and almost warm...sucks! Over the next day or two, we had some talk via text messaging and she thanked me several more times for the albums and wished me well. She also stated almost disappointedly "wish you weren't so guarded, & you didn't say anything complimentary towards me." She is correct and I admitted so to her. I really did not want to compliment her or condone, even indirectly, what she had chosen to do. I just acted accepting of reality and mostly businesslike. Looking back it was almost a relief and somewhat liberating to see her & survive and to get rid of the albums...they can be her Telltale Heart (summoning Edgar Allen Poe here) now and they just might become that for her.

What is the upshot of all this? I don't know...I doubt her M to grass-is-greener man will last forever, given the obvious red flags and the fact that they both cheated to get it started, but obviously I can't allow those thoughts (and all the what-ifs) to creep in ever again. No one knows for sure what a WAS is thinking, but I would guess that our meeting was just as emotionally difficult for her as it was for me. I would also guess that she is currently happy in her new life and sees her decision to D as a painful, regrettable, but ultimately correct one, albeit with a layer of well-hidden, unacknowledged guilt lurking beneath the surface. Just my best guess, who knows? All in all, it's very bizarre how someone who was so dedicated and devoted to their H and their M can seemingly so easily separate themselves from someone they once loved "with all their heart" and promised their life to forever.

I get the feeling (and she did say this) that she is interested in talking again and being "friendly" but I don't know how I feel about that or whether that is best for me to be friends...thoughts?

Thanks for listening to my lengthy diatribe of unburdening...

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Are you willing to be friends with her? Are you hoping to reconnect with her? If you are feel you are now able to maintain a healthy relationship with her I don't see any problem with being friendly with her. If you have any unresolved emotions or issues it may help you to bring closure. You aren't able to change the past but building healthy friendships/relationships can effect the health of future relationships. Best of luck!

[Gypsy]

Hello Az Doc..

I'm on my "I can't sleep, finished journaling, how did it get to be morning" round and came across your post. I hope you're still around, though it seems like what you wrote was beautifully cleansing.

First, I am not that experienced with this whole shebang. My journey was kick-started 2 months ago.

Letting go of a constant reminder, not itching the scabbing wound all are wonderful. Doing the 'right' thing.. my goodness.. gold stars, bravos and encores! What a gift you gave to yourself. I figure, the better you are as a person during times of struggle, the even more incredible you become (in a spiritual, personal, good to be in my own skin type of way).

When you saw her, the differences you noted.. were factual and judgmental.. kinda justifying that she must not be happy, that she looks bad.

I'd let go of her personal appearance (heck, her mother is dying, her sister has cancer, she has stepchildren, in a marriage with an older guy).. who wouldn't look a little ragged? The fact she looked to you for compliments says to me.. the neophyte that I am.. that she's looking for more from you. What it is.. I don't know.

"Not wanting to condone what she did.. as far as not complimenting her." Personally, that sounds like an awful lot of emotional effort to put into a social nicety. That looking for compliments thing sets off a red flag. The fact that you thought she looked bad, when she'd obviously wanted to look good for you... kinda skewed.

At one point you had been her safe harbor, her solid rock. Pain dims, differences dissolve and what is left is the silk screen remembrances of what was good.

Ask yourself.. Has she learned to be a better emotional needs communicator? Or is she better at turning to someone else?

And how is the boo-boo in your heart? You've survived something you never imagined happening in your life but you still are carrying nerve endings of pain that twinge.

You already know the answer to the question you posed here, about talking and being friendly with her. The question is.. what is best for you?

I'd wish you good luck, but it seems like you've got it all!

*hugs*