Trying to be patient

[karen43]

Karen,

Don't give up just yet. The R between your H and OW is bound to implode. How could it possibly work under these types of circumstances? Just keep doing what you've been doing. Focus on yourself and your kids.

The Good Divorce book and the thought of the OW giving it to your H makes me want to BARF.

Thanks so much girl!!! I'm not going to give up yet! I'm glad you think that H & OW will implode--I hope so!!! I am going to keep DBing & GALing & just try to focus on the kids and I.

And it is disgusting that OW would give my H a book praising divorce and how great it is! I'm barfing right along with you! Karen

[LL44]

Karen and Yoyo, H has also said the same thing, that I didn't appreciate him, I treated him like dirt, like hired help. And now, from time to time, he will make off comments about how I will see what its like to feel pushed aside. Lovely.

Karen, do NOT give up. Your H may be a fool and never come back, but you will be left behind. BUT...you will be more positive, more confident, a better mother, a better life-liver, because of the hurt he caused you. You will 'win'. But, I totally understand what you mean. It angers me that H won't even turn back around, even to look, to ponder, the possibility of reconciling.

[karen43]

Karen, do NOT give up. Your H may be a fool and never come back, but you will be left behind. BUT...you will be more positive, more confident, a better mother, a better life-liver, because of the hurt he caused you. You will 'win'.

Thanks lwb!!! I won't give up. H was here tonight and is going to spend tomorrow night and all day Sunday with my D8. Hopefully OW will get upset and start being witchy!!! I wonder if the romance is cooling down a little if H is spending so much time around here, or maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part???

I have continued to be happy, strong, and independent and re: me being happy today, he said I am so happy lately and positive that he thinks it "creepy". I asked him if he wanted me to be heartbroken and he said no, but I think he really wants me to be suffering a little or depressed or something over his leaving!!!Weird! I do know the kids weren't too upset either; I guess our lack of suffering after he moved out bugs him! Karen

[BradNL]

Karen,

I think your H is indeed worried that you aren't completely heartbroken that he is gone... Guess he can't see at all how you aren't the same person anymore, a stronger, more confident and in better shape to boot! Doesn't that tell you enough? If everyone else can see it and he can't, its not a problem with you, its definitely him that is stumbling around in the dark.

And don't feel guilty for flirting a bit, its good for you to get that kind of positive feedback. No, that's not trying to encourage you to go off on a whirlwind romance, just to stop and let someone tell you how great they think you are *8) Or you can just get online, we're always here to remind you!

Good for you that you are considering getting a part-time job, I know from my W's experience of diving back in that its a big step but it can boost your self image if you find the right kind of job! Do not consider any job that doesn't make you feel good in some way, either by being paid well, learning new stuff or just enjoying the work itself... hit two of those and you are in the right job *8) And of course a new job means new people to meet too, new people leads to new friends, can't have too many friends *8)

Ok, I'm heading into one of my mega posts again... people I know complain that it makes them scared that I can type as I think at 80+wpm as a guy *8O And with a modest 98% accuracy too *8P Computer geeks ftw!

Have a great weekend Karen!

[karen43]

Karen,

I think your H is indeed worried that you aren't completely heartbroken that he is gone... Guess he can't see at all how you aren't the same person anymore, a stronger, more confident and in better shape to boot! Doesn't that tell you enough? If everyone else can see it and he can't, its not a problem with you, its definitely him that is stumbling around in the dark.

Thanks, Brad I think you are right. I think he maybe still sees me (will always see me) as the depressed, low self esteem, dependent person that I was in the past instead of who I am now: happy, good self esteem, independent and stronger. But there is nothing I can do about that; hopefully at some point he will realize that, but if not I feel it will be his loss!!!

Wow! That is impressive--80 wpm!!! I think I am about 50 or 60 and I took typing class in high school, too (I guess that's been a while though!)

Hope you have a great weekend, too!!! Karen

[NoCodeBlues]

Karen,

You're doing great.

I know it's tempting, but don't try to fathom the mind of a WAS. Keep the focus on you and the children.

(I'm saying this as much to remind myself as to you. )

[karen43]

Karen,

You're doing great.

I know it's tempting, but don't try to fathom the mind of a WAS. Keep the focus on you and the children.

Thanks Nocode!!! Hey I just posted on your thread, too!!! You're right about not trying to figure out the WAS mind; I think they are so confused (at least in my H's case) they don't even know their own minds!!! Karen

[karen43]

Just had rehearsal--my first time on mike and it was weird hearing my voice amplified like that--hopefully I'll get used to it in the last few rehearsals we have this week Sund-Wed.!!!

H left his stupid "Good Divorce" book that says how great divorce is (I can't imagine anyone intelligent believing that junk but apparently H does) in my car and I found it today. I did glance at and confirm that it is OW's-my H had his business card marking his place in the book which was in the front of the book, but the 2nd half of the book already had bent back pages and water damage and looked pretty rough--OW is on her 2nd divorce (that I know of) so I guess she's really worn it out. I was considering throwing it out and pretending I didn't know where it is or calling/emailing H and telling him he left his girlfriend's book in my car, but I was mature and just left it there.

H tonight was having an unfriendly night and barely spoke to me & maybe didn't even speak to me at all--I hate it when he is like that although I know I should not let it bother me. I think he's very moody or something or who knows? Karen

[karen43]

I had a long day today! Took the kids to Church & Sunday School & then had my first dress rehearsal. The dress rehearsal and going over our mistakes after &a bunch of extra dancing when I was so tired!) took almost 6 hours. I am so tired! but the rehearsal did go OK at least!

H wants to start talking once a week about the kids & we did that for the first time today. Basically, I said 4 or 5 things about the kids (my son said he was depressed the other night and then the next day said he was joking so I don't know but I will mention to C on Thursday when she sees S14, and asked H about switching pediatricians for the kids (ours is an hour away with a 2 hour wait so I'd like to get one closer). He argued about the Dr. but I convinced him b/c I said I am the one that is going to be taking them to the dr. so it makes sense for me, and he finally agreed.

We had a fight as H was taking more stuff from the house (already took almost all the pictures when he moved out & today some dishes that belonged to his grandparents (We basically got the contents of their entire house when they passed.) I brought up how legally I was entitled to 50% of the pictures he had taken, and one he said would be mine when I agreed that we would take all his grandparent's stuff (a lot of it was kind of junk). He got all upset that I brought up that legally I was entitled to half, and then I said what bothered me the most is he is taking everything without asking me, b/c if he asked I would have most likely said yes to him taking it anyway (the picture I like a lot), he said he saw my point, and then I told him he should keep it b/c I want him to enjoy it.

H brought up that he has left the computer and TV and our beds and other things (of course he knows he would have had to replace all that anyway as we use the computer for school and need beds for the kids & I, but I told him OK you are right. At one point when he was just yelling at me, I asked him to leave and said if you are here to visit the kids, visit with the kids, and if you are here to yell at me, then you should just leave. He actually calmed down quite a bit after I said that.

What bothers me is that H basically won't talk to me or barely talks to me & always acts like he is the victim in the relationship which I don't get. And I continue to be friendly, cook him dinner on nights he is here, etc. I did ask him to get pizza tonight b/c I knew I was going to have a long day and told him I would be really tired to make dinner tonight. H started acting upset that he was going to have to get pizza, and I told him fine I'll make dinner if it is too much trouble to get pizza, but he then agreed to get the pizza (I've made him over 100 dinners in the last few months I would think and he takes OW to restaurants 2x a week (according to his credit card), it is ironic that he would act like a pizza for the kids and I is a huge deal!!!

H is going to watch my D8 for a lot of the rehearsals except when he has a 2 day business trip this week it appears so I am grateful for that. He had been breaking promises and not being a great dad (obsessed with OW) in the past & now does seem like he is caring more about the kids & trying to see them so that is good at least. (H still doesn't seem to want to see me at all though!!!) Karen

[kat727]

Hugs to you Karen! I think when they are in MLC they just don't see anything around them. They don't see the hurt and the wide path of destruction that they are leaving in their "quest for happiness". All of those things he said he wanted you to change were just excuses for him to feel better about walking away. He probably is ticked off that you actually took all of his excuses to heart and improved yourself.
I have been in this sich for nearly 2 years. You know I don't have it figured out and I hope because you found this site so much earlier than I that you are at a better place than I was. It has only been since Easter that I haven't felt consumed with everything. I've only been doing DB for a month.
So chin up and make a great day.
kat