Hi, I'll try to keep this short and keep any readers interested. I've been divorced about 15 months or so. I'm in the military and after I got back from my last deployment (Feb 06), my XW dropped the bomb on me (about two weeks after getting back). The short version is I went through the trials and tribulations that go along with a marriage dying, and have emerged on the other side. During the D process, I found DR and tried my best to use the techniques, but XW is stubborn and moved out/started seeing someone else. I'm not sure where that led for her, but I know she was seeing someone. Like I said, D about 15 months now.
I've dated other women since then, tried to move on, and overall gotten a life for myself that was separate from her and our old one. But, I could never shake the thoughts of her. Usually it was just random things during the day, like "X likes this," or, "X wanted to do that." The one constant was that I thought about her everyday. Obviously it made things hard around Thanksgiving, Christmas, and V Day (about when we D, about when we M, worst day ever for someone who is D, respectively). When I was feeling really lonely, I would call XW and leave a message. She never answered the phone, and I was actually glad that I could leave a message. I'm not sure if I would have been in the best shape to talk to her anyway. I tried to keep the tone of my voice in the messages positive and upbeat.
In Dec 07 I called her one night and she actually answered the phone, so we talked. First time talking in about six months, at least, and we talked for over an hour. I was so excited because we were able to hold a good conversation for a long time, didn't bring up the past, and we laughed at things we said. Because of work being a bear, I wasn't able to call her till about mid February. I left a message and figured that we were back to the old routine. However, about a week later she called me back. Again, we talked for a little over an hour and had the same type of conversation. This time though, she told me that she thinks about me sometimes during her day. Specifically, little things that I used to do or say. For example, she drinks non-fat milk, and I think it looks like grey water. She told me she was eating a bowl of cereal the other day and thought of me saying that. The next time we talked it was a few days later, a Sunday night. We didn't talk for that long as it was late, but another good talk nonetheless.
Now to my question: what do I do next? I know the basics of DBing, but I don't think they apply here. I don't think she's seeing anyone right now (I don't know for sure, obviously) because when she returned my phone call it was a Friday night and she said she was going home after being at Target looking for an clothes steamer. I want to take things slow at first and not pressure her, or feel like I am pressuring her, to have contact with me. But I also want to talk to her. Right now I'm waiting for her to call me back. At this point, I look at it like this: if she does, great for me; if she doesn't then she doesn't want to. I've long since given up trying to figure out what she thinks and why she does it. But at the same time I'd like some advice from others out there going through similar situations.
I wish I could tell you, because I still don't know. XW said a lot of things but they were either evolving or unrelated to each other (I didn't load the dishwasher the right way, I didn't appreciate the finer things in life, she didn't want to be woken up early on the weekends, she finally said she just wasn't happy). There were no other issues like an affair, addictions, money problems, etc. When I was deployed though, I told her that I thought I wanted to start a family, something that we had both agreed on when we first started dating that we didn't want (I realized after everything was said and done that I still don't want kids).
Like I said in my original post, I think she was seeing someone from work. There were pictures that she had taken from work parties, work friends' weddings, etc where she was standing next to the same guy. These events were weeks and months apart too. All of her work friends that she socialized with (starting after I deployed, never before) were single. I'm not sure if anything physical developed, since she always denied an A and never told me about her friends and what she would do.
Wow....that is some news there.....I will post my reply in a little bit. Have to take my hot girlfriend to lunch....we're both starving and waiting for a few other specific posters to reply .......back in a little bit.
Tommy - Of course she had an affair. She was too weak or stupid or scared or whatever to stay true while you were deployed. End of discussion.
Now - knowing that - are you sure you would want her back? I ask, because you are young, and who knows, you might change your mind again about kids. She has shown you something important here about her character. When the chips are down - stresses, she's depressed, whatever - she runs to the "feel good" solution (ie affair) rather than buckling down to do the owrk to fix things. IF you reconciled with her, it would be knowing that she would likely repeat this behavior in the future - when health or financial crises hit, or when she hits 40 and has a midlife crisis. Is that who you would choose for a life's mate at this point in your life?
Look, I'm not saying it's impossible for her to change. But I sure wouldn't even THINK about taking her back unless and until she had some serious counseling, admitted her affair, and did ALL the steps necessary to repair this.
Ellie, I'm not willing or wanting to admit that she had a PA. EA I can do, but not PA. Throughout the entire ordeal, I kept telling myself that I only knew two things: 1) I loved her, and 2) she wasn't being truthful with anyone, let alone herself. If we did reconcile, then I would do it with open arms and eyes. Before I opened my heart again, I would take the steps necessary to protect my emotions, i.e. counseling, true, honest and open communication.
You know...the perspective on messing around...affairs, cheating....whatever...it's all the same in a sense. I know that things have to REALLY change to make right the things that have happened to ruin a relationship with the SAME person.
So a quick update: since the initial phone calls from a few weeks ago, no contact with the XW. Considering how well those conversations went, how much we laughed and agreed with each other's points etc, I am thinking that she has withdrawn a bit. This is obviously hard for me to prove, since I don't really have any other data points to compare, but she has done it before. Also all classic signs from the WAS as mentioned in DR and DB. Oh well. A therapist suggested that I write a letter to her and ask her questions that have been plaguing me since this started, and then maybe even send it to her. I think I'll do that now. Or my taxes. Thanks to everyone who's read this and replied, or read this and thought about my situation.
I say take it slow. Has she called you at all or just responds to your calls?
In my case, I would say that I was overthinking and being hopeful of something happening when it probably isn't.
Take it easy and take care of you-let it fall where it may. I think the db principles still apply.
Me-36 W-36, waw, mlc and ea. Together 17 yrs Married 16 yrs Bomb 12/21/06 Asked about counseling together 8.07 doesn't believe in what i believe in and doesn't know how to fix this 11.07 Demanded we sell the house 2.08 Admitted affair 4.08
