One more positive thing to add: Up until 3 years ago, I spent most of my time in a powerchair because of a neurological injury. The doctors did not hold out any hope of recovery. (They were wrong. That is one of the miracles I have been a part of but that is also a different story.) This had been a degenerative situation that actually started before we were married (although we did not know the severity of it at the time). My W stayed with me through those times and many times picked me up to put me back in a chair or a bed, got me food, etc. I stayed with the marriage in those times because I saw no other option. I needed someone to help me and if that meant putting up with yelling, screaming, etc then so be it. I also thought it was a small price to pay for the compassion that was given.
In some ways, I am willing to put in extra effort to save this marriage because of those times.
I am beginning to think that although there have been problems in the marriage from the beginning, the sudden and dramatic change in my condition has amplified them. I think my wife was quite satisfied with the caretaker role and losing that may be creating an MLC. She also stated that she was glad when my condition eventually made sex a lower priority for me (it was low for her from the start) since it took the pressure off her.
It is somewhat painfully ironic that the depression I have over the M sometimes keeps me from living the gift that I have been given with physical restoration. I guess the GAL part is important here.
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
Just looked at the site for His Needs/Her Needs. Read the first chapter on-line. The table of contents looks a lot like most of the marriage counselling we have been through. My problem is this, when I go down the list of 'her needs', these are areas I have focused on for years because of counseling over 10 years ago. I have even tried some of the list of 'his needs'. It hasn't made much difference. Is this book really that much different?
When I (or counselors) have pointed to the importance of my needs, it is normally ignored. As far as sex goes, the response originally was to call me an over-sexed leecher (at that time our sex rate was less than once a month). Eventually, she got to the point of saying it was her problem and nothing personal. But it has rarely been a subject of discussion without her exploding. Same thing goes for most of the other 'his needs' areas.
I have done things counselors have recommended to get the response of 'you only did it because you were told to'. Sometimes that is true, but not with the intention of pleasing a counselor. We stopped seeing the counselor that told me she wanted flowers for 'no reason' over 10 years ago, but I have continued the practice (even this weekend).
The other response is that I am doing something (like giving flowers or making a nice meal) because I feel 'guilty'. Mostly I do it to be nice. Even my intentions are discounted on a regular basis.
At this point, I have finally given up on the 'open' part because it frequently ends in criticism or condemnation of me.
Mirroring her body language escalates conflict rapidly. Her body language can be quite intimidation oriented.
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
Is this irony? If so, how is that helpful to his situation?
Originally Posted By: sgctxok
I would suggest right now that you stop the talk. Just work on body language right now. Mirror her. See if it keeps her calm.
There's a lot of information out there on mirroring - mostly in the realm of sales and interviewing for jobs. The problems with mirroring in these situations are pretty obvious: if the person you're mirroring figures out what you're doing, you are sunk. Also, if you are focusing on mirroring, your listening skills will be impaired.
Using mirroring with someone who knows you well, say, a spouse, and your chances that they will pick up the fact that you're using a "technique" on them are much greater. It's likely that, once caught, they will see you as someone who can't be trusted. If you've already got trust issues in your relationship, you've just asked for more trouble.
So, in summary, mirroring will: negatively affect your ability to listen; likely be seen by your spouse as peculiar, and even more likely, as a manipulative technique; and detract from your credibility, ultimately ending up as destructive to the hope of building any rapport between high-conflict spouses.
What's your justification for recommending mirroring? It seems to me, in my brief search of articles about it, to be an area fraught with controversy regarding its efficacy.
You are one of the few people who I think are doing everything as well as possibly can be expected. I really don't have advice for you.
Mirroring helps a lot of people diffuse a situation....it has to be subtle. But you've already tried it and it doesn't work. Jamesjohn might. I'll notify him.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
The biggest problem I see here is that you are a pushover. Your reasons for staying marriage are a bunch of excuses for her poor behavior. Your 10 short term goals have some good things and you have done some good things by going to counseling and Codependent Anon. However, the most troubling thing you are doing is keeping your sons in an extremely unhealthy situation. Your wife knows you will do nothing. You have proven that. And to be honest, my main goal would be to get my sons out of a terrible situation.
Also, I just don't see enough about the dynamics of your situation. How does she abuse your sons? Is it random? As you can see my main concern is for them.
And to be honest, Troubled, no one can give you any good ideas with so many holes in your story. I am not suggesting that your are deliberately misrepresenting, but to put a puzzle together, one needs to have all the pieces. The main thing is that you are giving short shrift to your wife's abhorrent behavior.
So there are definitely people here with ideas, but we need more from you.
My wife is not physically abusive with the kids. Just explosive verbally. She has come far enough to no longer slam doors, throw stuff, and 4/07 was the first and last time she physically injured me.
She has started telling one of our sons that she is working on being less critical and judgemental. She noticed it rubbing off on him and doesn't like what she sees. She is beginning to realize that she is truly becoming her mother and she doesn't like it.
Right now we have just entered a calm period. I know that this could just be part of the cycle, but the words and actions are just a little different. Time will tell.
Our oldest son has PDD and other developmental issues. He has a fairly normal IQ but is fairly unaware of social queues. He just disappear if my wife yells too much (maybe he is more adept than people give him credit for??).
I am also concerned about the kids. I am torn between: - breaking up the home, when both care about their mother and myself - allowing them to continue in the verbal abuse (which I won't be able to mitigate if she gets custody) - giving them the wrong impression of what a marriage should look like - PDD son would never understand or be able to accept two households. He does not handle change well.
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
