Starting over and intimacy after divorce.

[Willing NJ H]

Well, I did all the divorce busting I could do and my marriage ended. I've felt very good, am in my new place, and the divorce is almost final with no child support or alimony and joint physical custody. Things are friendly with my ex, and I decided to start dating again. I'm in NO HURRY, and am taking things easy for the most part. I've been intimate with one woman since my wife and all went well. Now that I have my own home, don't get to see my daughter 3-4 days a week and am finally realizing that my life is starting over and my marriage is truly "dead", i'm on a bit of a roller coaster again. I have met someone very nice that is also in no hurry. We enjoy spending time together and are both very attracted to one another, but I now have no sex drive. The stress of the life changes and divorce are getting to me a bit out of no where again, and now I get nervous and all stressed about being intimate with this new woman. I've never been in this position, and didn't feel this way with the one other woman I was with just prior to getting my new home. I am wondering if anyone has experienced this and/or can give some advice on how to deal with it. I know it will take time, but i'm adding my own stresses to this new mess as I've never had a situation where I didn't get sroused until now. I don't want to push this woman away, but don't quite know where to go with this. I've read several articles about sex after divorce, and loss of sex drive due to stress and emotions, but how can I deal with it. I read and lived DB and DR, and it helped me in ways I could've never imagined. The DBers were a lifesaver, and I still check in from time to time. I know I'm not as experienced as some, and am new to divorce, and am again looking to the DBers for input. Thanks a ton for any consideration/comments.

[cat03]

wish I could help, I'm not a guy and my D is just getting started, but yes, stress is a great mood killer and subsconciously your are prob pretty wary and reluctant to open yourself again.

[fig]

I think maybe you are puttin gpressure on yourself to move onto this part of the relationship.

I was worried my first time (cough) back in the saddle too but...when the mood is right, it's right.

i would say, relax

the more pressure you put on yourself to be intimate, the more stressed you will be and the more it will beuncomfortable

[almosthopeful]

Hi willing,

I'm also not a guy, but I have two comments that still might help, or at least be relevant.

First, depression kills sex drive. You may not "feel" depressed, but you could "be" depressed. I'm not diagnosing or suggesting, I just know this from experience. Have you considered a therapist, one experienced in treating male depression?

Second, you received the bomb less than a year ago. After a long-term R. Put in that perspective, aren't you putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be in a serious R period??? Just a question, I know people heal at different rates. But less than one year is pretty fast for anybody.

Hugs and good luck.

AH

[BethM]

Obviously you're just not ready. Maybe the difference between this time and the first time you were with a woman is because the reality hadn't sunk in. You're obviously grieving your old relationship and that is usually accompanied by some depression. I have a male friend who went through the same deal.

If you think you like this person why not just be honest and say that you're not ready. Women, I think, can take this explanation a little better than men. Just let her know that it's not about her.

You'll be fine. You just need some time. Have you thought about talking to anyone?

Good Luck!

[Willing NJ H]

thanks to everyone. Yes, I have talked to several friends and family members, male and female. I know i'm not ready for a head over heals all out relationship, but I thought I was ready to date and take things slow. I am honest about not being totally ready, but just didn't expect this. My problem with trying to deal with it is that I don't feel certain things. With the separation, the bomb and dealing with the marriage I felt everything. It hurt like hell, the world felt like it was going to end. etc. I went through the stages and it slowly felt better. With this, I felt great about getting my own place, and about dating. I started talking to this woman as I was moving out of my old house, and it was great. After a week or so in the house, reality set in and WHAM. I'm in no hurry, but like spending time with this woman. Should I end it just because it may be too soon and I'm not ready? I let things get this far, and am fine in every aspect but intimacy. As a guy it's frustrating as all hell, especially since I can't control it. I've though about a therapist, but am going to my doctor first. I figure that ruling out the physical stuff will make me feel better. I am putting pressure on myself now because I want to be intimate and I don't want to deal with this stress right now. lol... WTF, I thought I was pretty much over everything, guess not.

[BethM]

You will be fine. You just need some healing time. Think some more about going to therapy. You probably have a lot that you need to get out. You might even be surprised at how good that would feel.

How about your friend? Does she expect more right now? Do you feel the pressure coming from her or is it all you? If she's good with it then there's nothing wrong with having someone to do things with (movies, dinner etc.). To be honest, something tells me you do need more time. Your whole life has been forever changed and you need time to get to figure out what you want and need. I can't believe that you know the answer to that question yet!

Love,
Bethie

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks Beth.

She seems somewhat understanding, but when it first came up she was offended because she thought it was her. We talked and she's understanding, but doesn't quite understand how it would affect me this way. She's cool about it and has suggested waiting until i'm ready, but there's a certain disappointed look that she gets from time to time when intimacy comes up. I think i'm dwelling on it more than she is, and i'm doind everything I can to let it go, but it's kicking my butt right now. Like i said, I don't feel bad and didn't expect this. I can feel the stress, but have now made it worse on myself.

As far as what I want and need, i've always known that, but am probably a bit nervous about trusting that way again. I'm not consciously afraid to trust in time, but it does make me very nervous. Not the day to day "will they be fiathful" kind of trust, but the trust you have in a marriage. The little bubble you live in knowing that you world is wonderful and things will always work out becasue someone special is by your side. I'm not looking for that right now, but I think the thought of being with any woman brings it out. The theraputic things I have done throughout this ordeal have given me plenty of tools, but everything has to do with time. I think i've backed myself into this corner and want to work it out without letting go of someone I feel good with.

[fig]

Ithink...and I am going to be crass here...that you need to look at it like the difference between getting laid and making love (I hate that phrase by the way)

ok...

getting laid...no sweat...you already did that...physically, it all worked and it was just that...getting laid

you like this woman and even though you are taking it slow...you are taking it. It means something.

Maybe you aren't ready for it to mean something

does that makes sense???

[BethM]

fig...........

That's it in a nutshell and we've all been there!

The trust thing in itself is huge. I was afraid that I would never trust again, but with time, and the right people in your life, the ability to trust again does happen.