OK, I'm past the big D, past my X and on with my life.
But when you have children, the repercussions of the D stay with us until well after the age of 18.
My biggest concession with X and the D was to walk away from so much with his agreement to pay for their college educations. It was something that I thought at the time was the right thing to do. I just posted to Queenie today about 50% of nothing is nothing... ...and why we expect the aliens to come through on their promises when they couldn't even manage to respect wedding vows.
But I had a strange conversation with X tonight. It's making me a bit afraid. He was - I don't know - mean about the boys. Doesn't like their personalities. Nitpicking things. Stupid things.
I have a feeling in my gut. I know those of you who have been with me for a long time know that my D was about money. My X is about money. It matters more than anything to him.
I think this is a prelude to him getting out of his promise. I hope I am wrong. I feel I am right.
So, if anyone out there is thinking about ending a M and settling, think about the future. Think about your kids' future. These guys don't care. They don't are about anyone except themselves. And they don't change with time either. Make certain you have every I dotted and every T crossed.
If I had known then what I know now, I would have taken their half from X. That way, they'd be assured and I would not have this sinking feeling right now. he did not say he would not pay up. He only complained about them. Complained and complained. Just like he once complained about me. I know this pattern.
AND I don't know that I would fight him if he refused. But my kids will have that opportunity. I'll make certain of that one way or the other.
MLC - no. A crisis does not last this long. This is a person's character.
Ohhh Happy Thats a subject thats been going around in my mind too.
You are right, why should we trust them to come thru w/ their promises to our children when they didnt keep their promises to us
Its funny you say he was nitpicking, my ex did the exact same thing w/ me about my S, next thing I knew he was telling S he wasnt going to pay for his last year of college!! Said have your mother now, ya know the mother he left after being a SAHM for 15 yrs and was struggling at a retail job!
So to say you have a gut feeling may be right but I really hope for you and the boys sake it is not! Maybe he is in a bad mood, maybe hes going thru a jealous or envious mode w/ the boys , young, just starting out, hes thinking. Why not me?? These mlc will make it al about them!!
If it makes you feel better Happy, mine did listen to reason, thank goodness, I used a bit of guilt and disgust and he gave in, and paid for the last year. Sometimes they just need a good cage rattling.
Please keep us posted
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
OK< a year ago at this time Ex started with his stupid stuff. Cut off CS when Ash finished her coop and had a semester off. Cut me off cold. But said he'd still pay 1/3 of her tuition (stupid deal we made during sep agreement). But when the tuition was due - he claimed he had no money. Now, if you recall, he had pulled stunt after stunt with me. Always a deadbeat dickhead (Oh, doesn't that have a nice ring to it?). Anyway, that's the first time ever that I stopped screaming and arguing. I calmly wrote him a letter and CCd it to my lawyer. And he came through with no further discussion. Of course, the difference is - that it IS in the agreement. And I calmly told him in the letter that I expected his payment on time or it would be taken up in court at his expense and there was to be no further communication directly with me.
I've pulled this tactic twice more since then - works like a charm.
I like what you said - a crisis would be over. A character flaw is different. Our exes are "flawed characters". No doubt about it. They do what THEY want. No thoughts about ANYONE else.
If it's not in the agreement, I'm not sure what you can do about it. I am surprised your L didn't insist on that.
I brought this subject up with H, we go to mediation tomorrow, and he said since no one paid for his college he didnt' see why he had to put in writing that he will pay for the kids. Selfish alien @#%@#$#@! I'd give my right arm so the kids would have a great future, but he wont' even agree to pay for 33% or even books. Even if we were to have a battle in court, I dont' see how he can ever be forced to agree to pay towards college.
As it is --knock on wood-- we are settling everything in mediation, and if he doesn't want to hep with college I dont' think there is much I can do about it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
T2SP: Wishing you luck tommorrow. Although my ex was one of the most stubborn and stupid walkaways - I also chose mediation. It was very painful but ultimately produced the best results.
It is law here that the divorcing parents share college expenses. My agreement states 4 years and he is to pay 1/3 costs (I earn more) and continue CS and pay for 1/3 books etc. He is getting off easier right now because she lives at home.
Yay for me. I had the good sense to marry a narcissist, and to them it is wayyyyyyyyy more important how things look then how they really are, so I've never had a problem with him paying up. My advice to the rest of the population is to get everything in writing, because obviously their word means nothing!
If that's the case with you, I say use it to the kids advantage (which is also to your advantage). Make the best deal you can always with them in mind. Remind husband of this if necessary. Nobody wants them to have to suffer for his choices.
You'll be fine and believe me, it's as if a weight will have been lifted off your shoulders when this is all said and done.
