Here we go again. I am having a miserable day. I can't stop crying. H tried to talk to me about moving out and I panicked and got furious. At one point I said it was premature for him to leave and he said something to the effect of how he's been building up to this for 15 years.
That set off my tears again. I can't believe he would say that. Could that be true? Why was he being so loving and writing me love letters all that time?
He tries to be nice to me most of the time, says he bears me no "ill will" and wants to know what would I would like to happen as far as custody of the kids, etc. This might sound good, but IT BURNS ME UP EVEN MORE because it proves how utterly dispassionate he is, how easy it is for him to treat me like a friend and nothing else.
He cares a lot about our Ds, which is lovely, but will do nothing to work on our M. He says he must be true to his feelings (IDLYA). What about MY feelings?
I can't seem to let go, much as I want to. My C thinks I have PTSD and I agree. My father killed himself when I was 6, after being a completely adoring daddy. I have also lost my two half-siblings. I simply can't take another huge loss like this. Anytime it becomes real to me (when he talks about moving) my adrenalin kicks in and I fall apart. It makes it so hard to do the 180s when I have such a powerful reaction, one that feels out of my control.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Your pain comes through loud and clear. I feel for you. You have gone through so much losing your family members. And now you feel less than whole again. I never went through what you have gone through, but even just being cast aside in my marriage was enough.
The questions you are are difficult to answer. But I do want to help to get you in the right direction.
Quote:
I simply can't take another huge loss like this.
Humans have the capacity to be extremely strong. You have two lovely duaghters. They need for you to be able to handle a loss like this. They need their mother. This is where you need to focus your energies. Even though you have been through difficult trial in your life, you have still been blessed. Focus on what you have rather than what you do not have. It isn't easy. It isn't going to happen overnight. But set a goal that you will work through this. Set a goal that you will be there for your daughters. This is how you start the healing process. This is where your 180 begins.
Good luck. Don;t let your emotions control you. you control your emotions.
I've probably told you this before but my H said the EXACT same thing, word for word....I went from 15years to 5, back to 10 and now it's 23....now it goes in one ear and out the other... My H told me the he has to be true to himself before he can be true to anyone else....told me I just need to accept it and move on...to find someone else...that's to ease his guilt...and he hopes we can be friends some day, blah, blah, blah,
I had a really rough time with all this...my H has been gone now for 6 weeks, and although I miss him terribly, I am coming to the conclusion that he is really ill. I now do feel sorry for him...I did NOTHING wrong...I begged, cried, pleaded, you name it, everything you are doing...but I will tell you that I'm not walking on the eggshells anymore....but he has not called D21 in the 6 weeks he's been gone. that is the sad thing...she is very angry and he knows it....nor does he call me....he can't, he doesn't know what to say....he does call the other 2 kids but not every night...I am learning alot about myself and what I can do on my own...We had a blizzard last week and I shoveled 15 inches by myself...woohoo.....
I am positive right now but I have my days where I sob all day cause he is throwing so much away....
I can't remember, does he have OW??
If you want to talk tonight I can talk...I have made many great friends here, that I talk to on the phone...it helps really. Here is my number 614-562-1433.
(((hugs)))
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I know you don't want to take another huge loss. I can't imagine what it's been like for you to suffer the losses you've already had. IMP is right about our capacity as humans and your need to focus on what you do have. Your D's need you, whether they're showing it or not. They need you to teach them how to handle tragic situations in their lives. They need you to love them and make them feel safe. I know it's hard. You can do it though. I hear the pain and I hear the strength. You could not come through the other tragedies in your life without some steel in your bones.
Thank you all. You help keep me afloat. It's so surreal, all of it. We are going away as a family this weekend--skiing. H & I were going through our ski stuff, chatting, talking with the girls about where we'll eat dinner when we're there, joking and being silly. It feels like nothing is wrong, or at least that we've got a workable situation--but H is still determined to leave.
It's going to be a weird weekend. We are going to a place with so many memories and I'm going to act as if. It feels almost cruel to do this to the kids--to have a fun family weekend and then at some point in the next few months we will try to explain to them that we're separating. How will this make sense to them?
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
It may be a wierd weekend, but you have the chance to make some more nice memories. Don't worry about his leaving, enjoy as much as you can.
It will make whatever sense it makes to them (or not). You'll have to deal with their feelings when they come up. IMO it's best not to vilify your H, but I know there are differing opinions with regards to this. I also know how hard it is not to do this. I have nuts and bolts holding my lips shut with regards to this. Even so, I have two D's one 15 and one 13. They are by no means dumb and my oldere one has always had a sharp mine with regards to very complex situations (darn books ). You do the best you can and when you know better you do better.
IMO it's best not to vilify your H, but I know there are differing opinions with regards to this
I'm not going to vilify him or try to get the kids to take sides, BUT he will have to take responsibility for this being his decision. He has made a unilateral decision, given our M no chance at all. He is creating a great deal of pain and loss and financial problems and I am devastated. I DO put all my strength into being there for my Ds and I will do everything to make their lives as happy and whole as possible. But I WILL NOT PRETEND that this is a mutual decision. That doesn't work for me and the kids will know anyway.
I will try to be sympathetic and say that daddy still loves them but he didn't want to stay married to me and it's sad but we'll be OK--but I won't pretend that this was the way I wanted things to go.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
LMG, I support you all the way! If he is a man, he would admit the truth. Open communication with the kids shows how important marriage is to you. It is you who is setting the example. I feel for all the children who are negatively affected by a divorce.
LMG, stick to your guns. IMO, there's a difference between trying to make your H look bad and just putting the truth out there. I made my H take responsibility for our separation because it was the truth. I didn't want my kids to think there was any part of me that thought this was a good idea. It's very important to me that they know my morals and ethics on this.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
). You do the best you can and when you know better you do better.