How to piece it back together

[Violet]

Hi, Randy:

Chapter 13 of Mars & Venus in the Bedroom is called Keeping the Magic of Romance Alive. If you haven't already, read through it. There are some good suggestions about communication and romance and how to create rituals. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction with those foot rubs!

Have a great day,

Violet

[RandyH]

Thanks Violet,
I just don't know I guess I need to pratice that part of DBing where when they start pulling you towards them because you pull away you don't run to them.I ask her if she wanted to go out to dinner this weekend and I don't think she will but I guess I'll have to see.I told her it might be best to just go to dinner a couple of times so that we didn't have a long evening together,she just said we'll see.I ask her to let me know one way are the other but most of the time I don't but ussually she will invite me over sometime later.What to do?

[RandyH]

Well last night XW called and asked if I would bring over pizza,she paid and she waited on me hand and foot.The kids mentioned a couple of times they were ready to go back to my house but she kept saying you guys haven't been here very long.I don't think it was just missing the kids because she got them back today at noon.I called her this morning to tell the d game was canceled and we were going to get donuts and go shopping she called me back and asked if we could pick her up and she would go with us,hopefully baby steps.A great friend that her H left last year but now acts like he wants to come back assurs me that if she didn't want to spend time with me she wouldn't under any circumstances.I hope we are go forward.

[RandyH]

Well gang XW and I spent no fewer than 6 meals together since last wedesday.She invited me over 4 of these and came by my house while I was preparing supper and stayed and ate.I am going to ask her out again this weekend and see what happens.My big question is how do you go about learning anything about the R without having a R talk and how do I know when it's all right to touch her like put my arm around her etc.?

[PhilipD]

Hi Randy,
Just checking in with you. It definitely sounds like you are making progress. Take it slowly. I agree...it's hard to know when and how to encourage the relationship. It is the XW race, so you may just have let her initiate the discussion. Maybe some subtle matter-of-fact question like "would you like to do something Friday night?" without using the word "date" and see what kind of response you get. If it look negative, just smile and let it go. If it she responds positively, then you will be on your way.

I wish my XW was as interested in reconciling M/R like yours seems to be. We have been D for 2 months now, and I have no clue if my changes are making any impact on her at all. I did send her a plant to her work from the kids, then cards to her house (one from the kids, and one from me). The one from me was basically a "thank you" for being such a great mother. I have not heard a response from any of them. She called and left message today that she was going out of town today (last minute) and told me of where to go in her house to find what our boys will need to begin there week stay with me. I did notice both cards displayed on a shelf, so at least she let my card out.

Sorry I got side-tracked by my sitch. It's still hard how one day I am fine, PMA is fine, and then the next the pain is back. I know I just got to keep focused and worry about myself. If it was meant to be.....it will be.

Remember the serenity prayer......
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Good luck Randy, I hope and pray you will get your W and M back. You are an inspiration to me right now. Keep up the good work.

[RandyH]

Thanks Philip
It has taken alot of work to get this far.Yesterday afternoon she called and asked if I would go to the Dr. with her so I did and we ate afterwards and everything went ok so we will see how the next day goes I will be asking her out this weekend sometime today so we will see.

[PhilipD]

Hey Randy,
How are you doing today? Did you ask the XW out?

I am in this gray phase where I don't know if I should keep DBing and wait for XW or if I should start taking up on the offers to start dating. Seven yrs ago I never thought I would be going through the dating scene again.

Take care.

[Loretta]

Hi Randy,
I found since my H has returned home 10months we have never had a R talk. What I find is happening we are working on the foundation of our new relationship. I have been setting boundries as to what I expect from him. Telling him what I need. I have found since he has come home he initially was really attentive to me and I thought I had died and gone to heaven. He is starting to slip back into his old selfish, couch potato way, He has started to be miserable several days at a time. Before I would have excepted it and just been unhappy. Now I deal with it let him know what is exceptable and what isnt. I dont think you have to worry about or talks you have to concentrate on what you want out of this relationship. I told My H that I need him to be my boyfriend, if he doesnt want the job someone else will. I have told him exactly what I need. I really mean these things when I tell him. I have been through alot have gotten stronger and as Michele says I know now what I need to be happy and I wont settle for anything else. You will know when to set a boundry you will feel upset about something and let her know. Then sit back and wait to see if she complies. Mine always did. It is a long hard journey I thought it was over when he came home. It just begun. I am hoping for something wonderful at the end. So far he hasnt let me down.
I hope this answers your question.
Loretta

[Jamesjohn]

Great post Loretta!

I think that R talks are highly overrated. It's R actions that count.

Knowing and asking for what you want is a must. It's unfair to place your partner in the position of having to be a mind-reader. They never quite get it right, now, do they?!

Peace to all.

JJ

[RandyH]

Thanks for the replys,I have not had a OR talk since I don't know when.We went out to eat again last night,me,xw,kids and a friend everything went ok.I did ask her out and she said she didn't know,so when we got home last night I called her and told her that I really hoped she would go out and that I was ready for this to go forward and to please let me know today.I don't know why she won't go forward.We have spent time together everyday and we have had no problems.About everything she has done is not typical for an XW to do.She still has most of her stuff at my house,she stopped the lawyer from taking $ out of my 401 she pays for alot of stuff when we go out to eat,we see each other almost everyday and she has been the one to call and ask me.I don't want to hear "I just want to be friends"so should I just keep going like it is or back off and make her pursue?