Sienna, I don't think the PM thingy works on these boards. I don't know why.
I saw him driving home Sun morning from the OW's house (the one who he told me he would no longer talk to anymore). He knew I saw him and he called me that afternoon. I told him I had nothing more to say to him, and that he lied to me and broke my trust. I refused his next calls, so he just came over. He was MAD! I can honestly say that he scared me. In front of the baby he grabbed my shirt and was yelling at me that he loves me, wants only me, wants our marriage to work. It was really bizarre. The words he was saying, and his actions didn't match up at all. I told him that if he laid a finger on me, I'd call the cops and he'd lose his job...and I would have. He did the dumb child thing and touched me with his finger. I told him to leave the house, and he told me that it's his house to. He finally left and then calls me to ask me if we're going to ever go to marriage counseling.
I want my old husband back...I hate this one!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Here's a whacky suggestion: take him up on his offer of marriage counselling.
Set a date in the near future. then tell him you dont want to talk to him again until you see him with the counsellor that day.
Then when you get there, make the #1 first thing on the agenda, his lack of anger control.
That should both protect you from future angry confrontations from him, AND make him prove whether or not he's serious about working on your marriage.
Clearly, the #1 thing that HE has to work on, is that. If he's not going to work on it with the counsellor, then he's not "working on the marriage", and you can dump his sorry butt with a clearer concience
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
So he's abusive. Emotionally for sure - with growing potential for physical.
I agree about calling his bluff on counseling. Make the appt and see what he does.
MLB - How can he expect you to give him an answer when he isn't committed?
So he's ONLY committed to working on it if you are 100% sure he's not a complete jackasss? Where was he when you were willing to work on it beforehand?
And please - do yourself a favor and stop sleeping with him. If things turn sour, it will possibly be something that angers you about yourself - speaking from experience here
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Well, he got mad at me last Sat. He didn't think I should take d4 to a birthday party for one of her school friends because he thought she was too tired. She was at a Build-a-Bear party already, and starting to get grumpy. I told him she was fine, she's just hungry and after this party we were going to the next one. A lot more to that conv than this, but that was the jist of it. He thinks I'm making decisions on my own without listening to him... he's right. But, I'm the one raising these kids, and doing a damn good job of it. Anyways, he told me not to call or text him unless it's about the kids, or counseling. I haven't spoke to him since.
Sad thing is, I miss him only slightly. I can't wait for those books to get here, esp the verbally abusive book.
I saw a counselor last week who reveiwed my psych test, and concluded that I DO NOT have a mood disorder or personality disorder as h thinks. He did say that I need to get out of the marriage, and that he is emotionally abusive. Next week, I'm taking h to my appt for him to be told that I'm not crazy, or mentally ill. He's gonna be pissed. He's been telling me for years that something is wrong with me, and I need medications. Finally, I submitted to the tests that he wanted me to take, and now he will be told that I don't need meds, and that I'm stable. Seriously, his mom is walked on by his dad, she jumps when he says to, and I think h expected the same from me. He thinks because I fire back at him when he fires at me I need meds.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I saw a counselor last week who reveiwed my psych test, and concluded that I DO NOT have a mood disorder or personality disorder as h thinks. He did say that I need to get out of the marriage, and that he is emotionally abusive. Next week, I'm taking h to my appt for him to be told that I'm not crazy, or mentally ill. He's gonna be pissed. He's been telling me for years that something is wrong with me, and I need medications.
This is what my emotionally abusive H told me too. I needed meds, that I was crazy. He felt something was wrong with me for years. HA! It was because of his abusive, manipulative tactics! I did learn I was codependent (adult child of an alcoholic here). But not so much now that I saw it. That probably kept my marriage going all these years!
I would just be cautious of your H AFTER that counseling session where you plan to have the counselor tell him he was wrong. You don't know what that could set off in him. From my experience the counselors don't really tell them "you were wrong." I was hoping my counselor would too after H used physical intimidation on me but the therapist did not.
Please make sure your counselor is trained in domestic violence. If he is in fact abusive, then standard marriage counselor does not work
Do you have no interest in seeing a marriage counsellor with your H at all?
If you do, then I suggest you forget your prior "in your face" plans, and make the appointment with him.
If you dont have any interest, then again, i suggest just skipping the "in your face" stuff, and just divorce him. Stop playing games.
if you dont have any intention of being around him ever again, then you dont need to "wait for books to arrive".
if you DO have some intention of allowing the possibility: then forget the books you ordered. they will only make you bitter and set you back. Go for the marriage counselling.
Basically, seems like you have one foot in one direction, and one foot in the other. You cant really move in either direction, until you decide which way you are going, and then moving both your feet in that direction.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
ladybug, I just read these 4 pages on your thread. Your H reminds me alot of myself. I am S because of the emotional abuse I put on my marriage. I have started counseling for myself to change these habits I had ingrained in me. I want to change and feel I have made huge steps in this. I want to tell you that your H has to want to do this if it is going to work. I would really like to see you save your M but I also know that the abuser themselves have to be the one that wants to change, from reading these posts, it doesn't appear that is happening. Good luck with this. I never thought I was this person either until we seperated and I started buying books on how to become better for myself, I started counseling to become better for myself. I do not want to put my W through this again if we are able to work things out. I believe she has seen some changes in me but is not confident those changes will stick becuase just like many, I always said I would change but never did. It's amazing what losing the most important things in your life will do to someone, change can happen but you must want the change to take place first.
I hope that everyone understands that marriage counseling DOES NOT WORK if one person is abusive (verbally, emotinally or physically). It is even harmful if the abuser doesn't even think they have a problem. And even doubly harmful if the counselor/therapist is not trained in abuse.
This link pretty much summarizes the marriage counseling counseling scoop from every abuse book. I hope this clears it up.
EDITED - Advertising not allowed.
She needs to read the books to VALIDATE for herself if is it abuse or not. She may say it is on these boards, but I feel she's not accepting it 100%, because if she knew exactly what abuse entails (they don't change, they use manipulation, guilt, empty promises to reel you back) then she can hopefully get a clearer picture and figure what do to next. If you don't know about these things, you are perpetually stuck on the fence because of all the mixed messages.
Once she understands abuse better, she will have more clarity. I am not trying to pursuade her into anything, I want her to educate herself on what it is and what it does and how to protect herself (with the books). There's simply too much for me to post about it. There is in fact very, very little she can do to get him to change. One of them is separate and that's doing diddly squat. Not even DB tactics.
Ping1, I'm glad to see you've recognize what you've done and want to change even if it means you may not get her back. My H knew he was abusing me all along but tried to convince himself he wasn't and that it was all my fault. He only showed me (with his words and actions) that he didn't care enough about me or the marriage to put forth effort UNTIL I was already done and I asked him to leave.
