H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Last post from previous thread... So, I believe that if you have a good friend who is in trouble or doing something wrong, it is your responsibility as their friend to bring their attention to it.
So, that is what brings me to my H.
H has a facade up. He is a damaged little boy who makes believe he is strong. He has horrible self-loathing issues, was adopted by a very loving family (although he doesn't see it that way). But, he makes believe he is strong, but it is just a facade covering the pained little boy in him.
I know that he knows this. He knows he has issues that he needs to deal with. I know that the "facade of strength" is what he is really capable of, but it always seems to crack at one point. He needs to get psychological help to deal with his issues and to build his strength from the inside out, rather than it just being a facade on a weak foundation.
Shouldn't I bring this to his attention? "H, you know that you need to deal with this . When are you going to deal with this?"
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
1. I know he thinks I'm attractive (he has thought I was cute since we were 10, expressed it again when we were 18, and I am, admittingly, still a cute girl). The problem I have is that I don't remember the last time husband said I was attractive to him.
2. H feels we got married too young. --I tend to agree. We didn't experience much outside of each other. This is one thing that I think our separation and my GAL has been good. I even told H that I think our S was one of the best things that every happened to me (his jaw dropped when I said that).
3. I make H laugh. W/O a doubt.
4. H and I are too similar. We both have a tendancy to NOT do things out of laziness. We both need someone to kick us to actually go out and do something, even though we totally want to do something, we often end up not. Solution? Make it a point that 1-2x a month to go on a date of something we never did before. Try something new.
Shouldn't I bring this to his attention? "H, you know that you need to deal with this . When are you going to deal with this?"
Michele says, if your marriage is on the brink of divorce, and you demand and pursue, it will most likely push him away. Remember how it felt when you were young, and your parent insisted on how to handle things? What happened?? Rebellion! Your H needs to figure things out himself. As for now GAL, do a 180, and do not talk about R issues! You want the prize, not the D!
Beth83, Intimacy and sex is vital to a marriage. Michele wrote books and articles on this topic. If you're interested, scroll to her resource page, and "Interesting Articles" forum.
My best friend and her H wrote a list of things they would love to do together. If he's up to it, brainstorm, and do two things per month. Call it a date. You need to keep feeding a marriage to keep the love alive.
Thanks Tia! Even as I wrote it, I realized that I was feeling desperate for action, my patience was wearing thin. Sometime, you just need a kick in the butt!
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Just wanted to look in and say hello. Hope the last couple of days have been OK. I've been thinking of you and hope you managed to resolve the birthday dilemma.
((()))
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I was posting over on OD's thread about GAL and caring for herself. I wanted to talk a little about my feelings about H and OW and where my role plays.
Honestly, how I feel:
About moving on w/o H:
H was my first serious boyfriend. We did get married young.
Certain things have happened to me that make me realize that H's childhood wounds and the issues he had dealing with them, were an extreme burden on me. There have been times since we have been separated that I feel such a relief that I'm not dealing with them anymore.
I look forward to selling our house (which we are getting prepared to do) and getting my own apartment (prior to us getting married, I lived with my parents, so I've never had my own place before).
For whatever crisis H is going through right now, he lied to me for a whole year. Did absolutely horrible things to me. Betrayed me in a way I never thought he would. I am furious at him.
H shows no signs of stopping w/ OW.
My feelings on H:
I still love him.
I am worried that H will not confront his Childhood Wounds within a timeframe that is acceptable for me. (I will not go back to H until he chooses to work through these)
---
So, when I list things like this, I really wonder what I should do. MY Timeframe is to wait to make any decisions until after we sell the house and I get my own place. I think that it would be better when I am finally in my own space, standing on my own feet and being one step further from H.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Saw H tonight, he came over to watch LOST. At first, when we were having dinner, I thought, "I'm cool with this! I actually don't want him as a lover, we are just good friends!" But, mid-way through LOST, as we sat next to each other on the couch, I just wished that I could sit there and hug him and hold him.
The thing about me is that Im a very affectionate girl. I am very touchy-feeley. And w/ H being here, I just want to hug and kiss him bc that is the way I am and the way WE were. And it is hard not being that way.
Anyway, we just had dinner, joked around, no flirting really, but had fun. He talked the whole time about how much work he has and how he is working constantly (he left here to go back to work at his parents--he is a consultant)
I told him that we needed to go out and do something fun. He agreed.
I don't know what to think anymore. I do love him. I do. I do. I do. But I wonder, why when I have other guys who flirt with me and who would probably be better for me. I wonder if sometimes I need to let go of H b/c he isn't interested in me anymore?
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Wow! I am glad to see you !! I just finished the last episode of lost season 3 on dvd myself.... as I told you before I would give my left nut if I was a man to sit on the couch and watch lost with my B, so I am VERY JEALOUS that you get to db in person like that. !!!!!
It sounds like you are firmly in stage TWO of reconciliation: friendship! That sounds GREAT!!! It sounds like it is up to YOU in the end what happens.
