I have been on this site for a couple weeks now and am reading the book and doing my 180! After reading about the MLC, I am 99% sure that is what I went through about 3 years ago. I had all the classic signs and she even told me that was what I was doing. I woke up 18 months ago when I found myself talking to OW and considering meeting her. Wife found out and I was so ashamed! I have been working hard since then to make things right. I have a renewed lease on life and what is really important and that is my family. I moved them to a new house and away from my extended family and all their issues and am trying to make a better life for us.
I just wanted to put this out there for all of you that have a guy going through this. He can come out of it and be ok. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but I know how I feel now and it is amazing! I look forward to each day with my family with renewed excitement and I have enjoyed life so much more since then.
(FYI: I am on this forum because I think my wife is going through her MLC now and is trying to be a WAW. I am working very hard to be patient and learn as much as I can about this... She stayed by me and I am going to do the same for her)
I am convinced that my H is going through MLC, though I think he may be slowly coming out of the tunnel. I thank you for posting, as I'm sure so many others do. I'm sorry that you find yourself here after all you have gone through, but you have a unique perspective since you have gone through this yourself. We on this side of MLC are constantly looking for ways to understand what is going on w/ our S, what can help, and what can hurt the process.
For me, I believe that I have reached that place where I am able to accept that MLC is, in fact, a process, and has little to do with me. The issue for me now is no longer what I should be doing to do while H is deep in MLC and not wanting to see me. I am no longer the enemy, and as he starts coming out of the tunnel, wanting to spend time w/ me, talking to me sometimes, but also showing quite a bit of frustration when I act in a more detached way, I find myself second guessing my actions far too often. Should I talk to him or should I leave him alone? Should I let him believe he could lose me or should I let him know I will always be here for him? Should I reach out to him should I let him be the one to reach out for me?
I would appreciate reading anything you may be able to write about what it felt like for you, what you were thinking and feeling at the time, what brought you out of it and what your W did or did not do that was positive for you.
I really admire you for what you are doing.
FA
Last edited by fooled again; 03/10/0809:24 PM.
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
I will say one thing for sure, It has nothing to do with you. It was all about me. It wasn't that I had a bad marriage or that I was upset with my wife. I was upset with everything! I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything so I backed off doing anything. If I felt the least bit down about something, I just quit. That included church, coaching sports, you name it.
Ok, here is the bad part as I see it. There is nothing you can do or say that will make any difference until they come out of the tunnel. All you can do, if you really love them is to be patient and wait it out. I was hateful, cold, mean, and everything else that goes along with it. But it was me, not them that had the issue. I just could not see it at the time from my perspective. The one thing that I will say, I never thought about leaving... I didn't care about the relationship, but I never really wanted to loose it either. I know that sounds stupid, but that is what I felt.
That's the part that's so hard about my wife now. She has all the signs of MLC, but with the WAW too. She wants out, doesn't love me, etc. So I have a lot of work to do.... I know I have put her through a lot and am so glad she stuck by me when she did. Now I have to do the same for her!
My only suggestion again, is to love them and don't take it personally. When they come out of this, if they are like me, they are going to be so wonderful, it's amazing. Now I still have my down times, but its like I have matured and can deal with all that now. Its a great thing to wait for!!!!
Thank you for sharing about your experience. I have a WAW right now, we're separated and I thought things might be improving but today I just have this feeling like it's all over. She can't really even say exactly what it is that she'd like to be different (better sexual relshp) overall. I feel so stuck like I can't push for change but also just waiting feels awful.
Sometimes I'm just so unsure how much is about me vs. her. For sure, I have contributed to some of the problems. But others I know say I am taking on way too much of the responsibility and that this is more about her stuff. I'm not sure if she is fully able to identify being in MLC, though she has all the signs of it. She keeps saying how it's been the best relationship of her whole life. On the other hand, I just feel like she's distantly engaging and only doing so out of guilt. It is a horrible place to be.
Did you know that you were experiencing MLC? Did you still love your wife through that time?
It was all about me! I did still love her, but I did honestly feel sometimes like I wasn't in love with her anymore. I never told her that, but I am sure she could tell. It was like the whole world was against me for some reason. Looking back it was weird how it all worked. My wife told me on several occations that I was having a MLC and I just laughed. (She was right!!)
The bad thing about this is that there is nothing you can do for her other then work on yourself just like the book says. Start doing for you, but still be there for her in a way. I know that is hard balance and I am having problems with that right now in my sitch, but it seems to be working already!
See, I didn't care because I felt cheated, worthless, etc. My "dreams" that I tought I had were slipping away. I asked myself "is this really all I get?" But when it came down to it, I really didn't want to loose my wife and family. They kept me grounded in a way and at the end I love them so much. I really feel guilty for putting them through that, but I guess it happened for a reason. All I can say is I am a much better father and husband now, not that I was horrible to start with (other than during that time...)
You do have some responsibility, but its not all on you. You just have to make the changes that you know you need to for yourself. She will see that and that is really all you can do.
