First, DB'ing really worked for my wife. I worked on being in a good mood all the time and never pressuring her for sex. She came around to more sex, but definitely same old, same old. I find myself repulsed by her susceptability to this. I don't know why, but it just didn't work for me. Using the DB strategies really made me lose respect for my wife. Anyone ever feel the same?
I know that part of it is when I tell her my issues, she blows up like a bomb and yells at me until I back down and ask forgiveness. Another part is that she pathologizes everything I say, "you're obsessing, you're depressed, you're *whatever*". Can't I have an opinion and believe that there is no amount of ADs that will make me change my mind?
Second, during our last "fight", she compared me to her rapist(s). I know that she was assaulted as a teenager. I know that a group of guys coerced her to perform sexual favors. She said that when I ask for sex, she feels like she did when they pressured her for sex. Then she felt that she *had* to comply to save her life, now she feels that if she gives in when I pressure (her word) for sex that they win. ????? I know that she never got counselling for this. Can something like this surface after 20+ years? She recently started covering up around me. It's very weird. I don't feel like I can have sex with her right now because if she decided that I was raping her, it could ruin my life, my kids' lives, my community work and my just-about-to-start teaching career.
If this is real, how do I help her get counselling for it? If it's not real, how do I get her to see what a horrible abuse of our marriage it was to say such a thing? Why would I ever want to have sex with someone who sees me that way? Can it ever change?
I've made up a little scenario of what I think I want to say. These things never seem to work out but here goes: Honey, I was completely floored when you compared me to a rapist. It's not something that I ever expected. I understand that you don't want to feel that way either. I'm certainly going to do my part to keep you from feeling that way again and I want to know when you are feeling that way so we can eliminate what triggered it. I don't think you really got the help you needed when that happened and I think we should look into getting you some help immediately. It's been over twenty years since it happened and it's coming between us fifteen years into our marriage. I think that shows that there are some unresolved issues. I'll support whatever you choose, inpatient, outpatient, family doctor, counseling, whatever, but you need to do this soon.
Thoughts, help, advice?
Me - 39 Her - 35 Married 15 years Dated 1.5 years Son 12 Son 8 Daughter 8
Most of the regulars don't post anymore as the moderator sgtcxok has been very heavy handed in the censorship department and has banned many regulars for whatever infraction she deemed relevant. I'm sure I will be banned but since the reason for me being here has been removed, it is a small loss. This place WAS very important to me and I learned a lot but now I will tell everyone I know not to buy the books of MWD as apparently her website is much more directed to selling merchandise then it is towards helping people. I did not believe this in the past...
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Baltoman I will tell everyone I know not to buy the books of MWD as apparently her website is much more directed to selling merchandise then it is towards helping peopl.
Balt, the MWD books are good. The Keep Love Alive CDs are good. Most of all of the forums are good, so I disagree with you so far.
Most of the regulars don't post anymore as the moderator sgtcxok has been very heavy handed in the censorship department and has banned many regulars for whatever infraction she deemed relevant.
Here I do mostly agree with you.
There were some very good people here at one time, that helped lots of posters and each other. Right now there is a vacuum here. I hope some new people can get this forum going again.
I don't post much here any more and miss what we had.
This place WAS very important to me and I learned a lot but now I will tell everyone I know not to buy the books of MWD as apparently her website is much more directed to selling merchandise then it is towards helping people. I did not believe this in the past...
