First let me clarify that I am by no means an expert in this DB'ing stuff and while I am flattered to be sought for my candor and opinion I want to be sure you all understand that I really am just trying to make it everyday like the rest of the team here. I really try to make sure that I pop in on everyone and keep track of their requests for my thoughts but I think that I am really doing a horrible job...
so...I thought I would open this thread to streamline my thoughts if you have asked. But, as my time is limited I have difficulty responding to each person's thread. (Man this post really has a touch of arrogance to it)
Anyway, if you want drop me a note here, I will peek in on your thread and offer my feedback here and/or there. This will help me to keep up on my thoughts for each of you. The list now numbers 9 different folks and I need to be better at helping because I know how helpless this process can feel at times...
Again, I really appreciate some of you suggesting that I am the DB'er of the year 07, but we are all a team with different strengths and situations whom need customized solutions and we are all responsible for our own success or failure.
So again - hit me up on this thread. I will check out yours and send my me thinks. Keep in mind that due to my schedule I only get infront of the site about every other day or so and I make a point of no posting on the weekends when I am spending time with Lady Hound and the puppies.
UPDATE - the new puppy is killing me!!!! He is super smart, much smarter than your intrepid guide and he knows it. He and my 4YO are conspiring against me..... nothing is cuter than a 3MO puppy and a 4YO boy plotting their domination.
See ya soon.
Hound
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
830 and I am still at the office. I will update for both of you tomorrow. No wisdom here Marc, just some observations. I will update myself on your sitch and provide some me thinks tomorrow. It will get better!
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Houndfan, You ROCK! That's all. You're just awesome to offer your help.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
So today is my 8th Anniversary! Marcum, I have read your post and have every intention of offering some me thinks. But for now I am going to digress some and provide a stream of thought about what I have learned through this process in my marriage and in my life.
Most importantly I have learned that all these years my identity was tied too closely and dependently on my wife. I had tried to keep up an image and appearance rather than being me and having my own life and interests. Me thinks that the key to GAL isn't so much to "prove" that we can live without our Spouse, but more to prove to ourselves that we are relevant and have our own interests and drive.
I have learned that sometimes there is a need to allow the benefit of the doubt in my relationship. I too often have found myself questioning her motives, thoughts, or actions without the proper knowledge of the situation or her own feelings or thoughts. By not giving the benefit of the doubt, I closed off our relationship on many things. This is an important DB principle if you ask me... me thinks that the benefit of the doubt is important and we too often look too much into what is going on rather than just letting the situation mature.
I have learned that my love for my family far exceeds my need for selfish thought and desire. When the moment of truth came and I was seperated, I was crying in my new room just wanting my family back. I made so many mistakes early on, but I realized that I was driven by love and nothing else. Sometimes I read in these posts and what I see is not people driven by love but people who are too afraid of a different life that may be offered by Divorce. I am now convinced that those of us that make this move from Seperated to piecing or more have one common theme and that is the motivating factor is love. That is not to suggest that love is the only mitigating factor to R, but I think that it is important and it is obvious when people join our DB family and the fear of a D outweighs the Love of the couple.
I have learned that there is no blueprint to life, love, and marriage. As much as we think that Michelle's books are the bible each situation is unique and different. Her "guides" are great to help all of us. In addition to the coaching and the boards I was able to understand that I needed to malleable to be successful. Again success in DB'ing is critical in this area - it is not a one size fits all situation.
Finally I learned that acceptance is the key to success in any situation. I accepted one day that I would probably be divorced, I grieved it and let it consume me. Then I did something about it, I was driven by love for my wife, my boys, and my life! Far too many of us want to get back home or in our marriages, but we fail to accept that we are often closer to divorce than we are to happily married and thus are not willing to work at either!
There is no magic pill to save any marriage, but there is an approach that can help and there is always hope. As I sign off for a few days to celebrate my 8th anniversary I leave you with the thought that your best offense is defense at this point....
Accept your reality Affirm the reasons Give space Have hope....
Love is a decision, and it is oft made in the heat of passion or the stress of trial, like a good dog one must sniff out the possibilities before jumping in - or out!
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
