Midst of D, R even further on the downswing

[NoDirection]

I am in the midst of my divorce. We are going to court this month to begin the proceedings and finalize details of the R. Any recent conversation ends up in an argument for whatever reason. I know my STBX has to have some type of conflict in her life and always strives to have something to fight over. I am not an angel in all of this either, regarding the downfall of our marriage, but I want to move forward for the sake of our S.

I am making every attempt to be cordial and polite with her. It is trying almost every time because she iniates so many arguments. My only hope is to stay teh course and pray that she eventually will come around. Any suggestions will be helpful...

[runningoutoftime]

Don't argue back, agree with every crazy thing she says even if it's completely wrong. Of course don't agree to financial matters or custody, but with those things say you'll think about them or discuss it with your attorney. Avoid any marriage or relationship talk. Avoid anything to do with the past... and if she brings it up blaming you or saying how bad it all was.... just agree and say you are sorry it happened this way, or that she feels that way... even if it's not your fault!!!

She initiates arguements to make this divorce easier for her. Don't let her have the satisfaction.

With regards to your behavior and responses.... think Ghandi, think Mother Thesera.... always take the "high road."

[NoDirection]

Time,
Thanks for the input. I have tried to do that, as tough as it seems, through all of this. She is very vindictive, she held a grudge against her mother for almost 10 years after her parents split. I hope over time that this will subside but looking at past history, I don't think it will anytime soon.

[runningoutoftime]

Can you give me a few examples?

[NoDirection]

First off, she is holding my son away from me "because I filed for divorce." Second, she got mad when I told her family that she was going out partying instead of being part of the family. Finally, she did not really have a relationsihp with her mother until our son was born. There are a few others but I do not want to overwhelm you. in my mind the pattern is there, I just did not recognize it until now.

[runningoutoftime]

Since you filed for divorce isn't there something legal indicating how much time you get with your child? You shouldn't be trying to settle this directly with her, but going through your lawyer.

It's pretty typical for spouses to do this type of thing with the kids. Generally they do it to make a spouse angry or hurt them. There is a chance that if you did the opposite (didn't get angry and just backed away, or offered to watch child as a "favor" to her so she could go out and have some time for herself) she might change her reaction. It's just an idea....

Also, document this. Document EVERYTHING for court.

It doesn't surprise me she's angry at you for telling her family she's out "partying." If you are divorcing her the relationship she has with her family is no longer your concern. Also, it's tattling. The only thing you should be doing with this information is logging dates and times of this type of thing into a journal and saving it for the court to indicate why you should receive more custody.

If anything you should want her out partying because this will look bad in court and help insure a good amount of custody. Maybe even get photos if possible! Heck, encourage this bad behavior, the worse she acts the worse she'll look in court.

[NoDirection]

I am in the process of getting something put into place by the courts. We go to court on the 24th. Part of her argument in court is that I am unsuitable to have any custody of our son. She is also doing it to hurt me.

I have made numerous offers to watch Jack and tried to make accomodations to be able to see him to which she has denied me.

Trust me, I have documented as much as possible. I have pictures from our computer and came across some other things that I do not believe she even knows about.

I have not spoken to her family since I have filed. The reason why I spoke to her family is because over the course of our marriage, she alienated me from my side of the family. I had no one else to talk to. Also over the course of our relationship, I became very close to her grandmother and went to her for advice. That is the only reason they know what they know.

Part of the reason why she is still taking our son everywhere is because I have not become angry over it. The one time I did was enough to show me that I would be the only one that negatively affected by it. I have one week and much of this will be over, it is getting there that is the hard part.

[runningoutoftime]

I am so sorry. It sounds like you are doing your best you can. I think that's all you can do, and to try and be patient. I understand it's maddening and painful, but getting her angry will only make her work harder at trying to make sure you get nothing. Truly, your best bet to "catch a fly" is to use honey. I think you know what I'm saying. Unfortunately, your wife may be angry or mad enough to hold onto her agenda. The best you can do is line up your "legal" stuff, try to stay nice, positive, a good role model (try to avoid anger or anything she can use against you) and hope for the best.

Regardless of the outcome make sure you are doing things for yourself. Healthy things like going to the gym, connecting with friends or making new ones. I have a friend in the O.C. and she joined some Divorce Care group out there. You might want to look into something like that for some positive support and people to talk with.

[NoDirection]

Time,
I am "getting my ducks in a row" for the legal proceedings next week. I am also trying to "play nice" as best as possible when I am around my STBX and S. We even discussed some things about the future and discussed how we would try and be civil as our S grows up.

I know that things are gong to get hectic during the proceedings but I hope that it can be put in the past and we can move forward. A lot of past history with my STBX shows the opposite but I hope that because of our son, she will at least try.

I will look into the divorce care group. I have enjoyed the support and opportunity to go out and meet people in the same situation as me. I hope that it can be something to help me move forward.

[runningoutoftime]

Divorce Care is through some of the churches. If you have any trouble finding it let me know and I'll contact my friend and get the information to you. I know it was super helpful for this friend of mine.

I'd say don't expect your wife to be nice or give you extra time with your son. From what I've observed from others who have gone through this they usually "play the game" of giving their spouse as little time as possible with the children, and then at some later date realize that was a bad idea (and it leaves them for little social life!), and then complain about the spouse not spending enough time with the kids!!!

So don't get too crazed and be patient.
Hang in there. Life will be good...