Worried I found DB too late #2

[cw68]

Old thread locked up.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1379244

Will post updated info later tonight...

[cw68]

A fairly uneventful weekend. Went dim this weekend, though not completely dark. Didn't answer H's morning email, wasn't home most of the day, didn't answer my cell while we were on the way home (7:30pm-ish) and came back to a VM left around 5pm and another call at the same time he called my cell.

My S5 said quite a few times this weekend that he missed his dad and wished he never moved out. I mentioned this to H last night and said that it's now showing to be hard on our S5, H responded "It's been hard for me too." I bit my lip, wanted to say that this wasn't about him right now, it was about our son but I didn't.

We spoke this morning during the morning phone call. He said he'd be coming over to do some work at the house, including some yard work. Told him it was already done, that I did it yesterday and that I had to go, we were off to the mountains for a spring snow day. The kids and I had a pretty good, albeit warm, time. They asked to call him while we were getting a treat in lovely old historic Truckee. They talked and I said to wrap it up so we could hang out instead of walk the streets talking on the phone, S5 handed the phone to me and H asked when we'd be back. I said we'd be leaving in a while. He said, "What, two hours then?" I said "Maybe, we'll see you when we get back."

When we got back H and I pounded out a ton of finishing projects from our current work on the house. Went out to dinner (kitchen out of sorts), came back, hung a little, put the kids to bed and finished our project. While at dinner he said that I should plan on staying at the house (I'm not assuming overnight!) on Friday to get the house ready for my sister's visit the next day. Told him that I couldn't, I had a sleepover party. Then clarified it was a girls' sleepover for my friend's 50th b-day and told him I'd make a big effort Friday to clean up since all the work should be done by Weds, but I couldn't miss my friend's party because it's her cancer-free 50th party. (GAL)

Throughout the day here, I was very distant physically (180). I did my own part of the project we were doing while working *with* him, just didn't work next to him. Purposefully put space and distance between us.

When he went to leave, he could tell I wasn't feeling well and he was worried that I ate something bad. He told me multiple times that if I got sick to just call him, he could be here for me in a pinch. Then he hugged me, no kiss, and walked away. Then he looked at me, came back, gave me a better hug and a kiss. He said we worked well together tonight and I agreed it's something we do do well together. Told him goodnight, that we had fun this weekend but missed him and he said that he missed us.

My son saying often that he missed his dad was really hard, but I have to keep creating a little space between us. For our marriage's sake and mine.

That's it. I'm not feeling well and am going to bed. Fingers crossed that I don't get sick.

[Grace_O]

cw,

Sounds like you're doing pretty well (other than not feeling well). You've got some good stuff going on and you're really stepping up to the plate.

It's hard to know how much the kids miss their Dad. It's even harder that you have to see the looks and hear it the most. There are looks on faces that I have to live with, not H and it makes me sick sometimes. This is teaching me alot about who I am and just what I'm made of.

Take care. HUGS

[cw68]

Thanks Grace. I feel I am doing about as well as I can given the situation. I did get sick last night and called H to let him know that if it continued throughout the night I'd take him up on his offer of help. He said no problem and that he'd come by at 7am to help out this morning. I didn't need to call him and he was here bright and early. It was nice, he got the kids all ready for school and I got to sleep in a bit.

On the flip side, I really saw this morning just how disconnected he is from me emotionally. Realizing that we LBS probably over-analyze things, he didn't come up to see how I was for quite a while. Perhaps he was letting me sleep, but it still was noticeable to me because my old H would have shown a lot more concern. When he did come in, there was some concern there, but only a small rub on the shoulder and then it was off to wake the kids. No "can I get you anything?" from him, but both of the kids asked me at least.

I hear you on the looks and sayings from the kids. At dinner on Saturday, my son very calmly says, "I wish Dad was here at dinner with us." and I responded "Well, hon, you better get used to it because this is how it's going to be from now on." and he said, "I don't have to get used to it, I don't want to get used to it. I want my Dad to not live somewhere else." He's 5. How can you respond but with a hug and telling him that daddy and I both love him? grrrr. He's the one who chose this, he's the one who should have to deal with this, not me.

But, that's not reality and I'm trying my best to live in the reality.

I realize that I am doing better because I'm beginning to see how I can do this without him. I'm seeing more of his bad side since I'm not cloaked in this veil of desperation. He's a good guy, don't get me wrong, but I'm beginning to think that maybe he doesn't deserve me. Maybe he doesn't deserve the family that he so wanted. Yet above all, I still believe in my vows, I still believe in the possibility of our future and I still believe that my kids deserve an intact, not broken, family.

I hate this.

[Grace_O]

No "can I get you anything?" from him

Yeah. I know. It's great that the kids asked though.

I don't want to get used to it. I want my Dad to not live somewhere else." He's 5. How can you respond but with a hug and telling him that daddy and I both love him? grrrr. He's the one who chose this, he's the one who should have to deal with this, not me.

A hug and telling him you both love him is the best. As much as I think it hurts them (WAS's), it really pisses me off that I'm the one cleaning up his mess. He'll see them one day a week (until that changes) and then it'll be "Daddy!" and not the day to day stuff and all the feeling that go along with it (I have two D's 15 and 13).

I'm beginning to think that maybe he doesn't deserve me. Maybe he doesn't deserve the family that he so wanted.

In a way (at least right now) he doesn't. He is broken in some way and he can't even begin to appreciate not only what he had, but the incredible woman he married that is still looking towards a better future. You're right about what the kids deserve. No matter what though, I can tell you're a Mom that will take care of them with your love and kindess as well as your strength.

[cw68]

Thanks for the shot in the arm. Funny you said he's broken, that's exactly what my old roommate said. I really think he's just given up and that he's not ever going to come back.

[cw68]

Rethinking a few things from the past few days. One of my goals was to spend some time together without the kids. In my mind I was thinking of scheduled, date-like one-on-one time. That's not going to happen, H is still in "hermit mode" and not ready to "work on us" so I realized that "working on us" is going to have to kind of be sneaky.

Two Sundays ago, time alone as we went and picked up our hardwood floors and unloaded them. Romantic, no. Together, yes.

This past Sunday the kids played with neighbors and we installed all our baseboards together. Romantic, no. Together, yes.

Last night we spent about 30 minutes in the kitchen together while the kids got a rare evening computer time. He was washing dishes (his custody, I was just invited to stay for dinner with no work involved) and I sat there talking with him. Romantic, no. Together, yes.

So while it's not exactly what I had in mind with my goals, it's something. Need to create more situations like this where we are together interacting in whatever way.

[Grace_O]

I like the spin you are able to put on the together time. It shows you're flexible and creative. You'll need both coupled with lots of PATIENCE.

Just for arguments sake, what if he never comes back? How would this change what you're doing now? Would you abruptly stop and "move on"? How much fight have you got for this man you couldn't live without?

I'm in a position of thinking I may not even have the chance at a chance. Does it stop me? No. Why? Something deep inside me (soul, heart, call it waht you will) tells me this is what I need to be doing. I'm listening. How about you?

[cw68]

Well, the biggest change is that I'd have to go back to work full-time and put my kids in childcare. We'd all have to adjust to that. Honestly, I'm a bit concerned about my ability to make enough money for the rest of my lifetime, but I don't care about actually going back to work. Other than that, not much would change. This is my second and last marriage, regardless of how it turns out. I can live without him, I just don't want to and don't want to do that to our kids.

Like you, I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I think our odds of survival as marriage partners are low, but I'm going to grab onto the chance with a firm grip. My kids deserve it, our marriage deserves it and I deserve it. My H doesn't know this, but he deserves it too.

Patience is my lesson here. I'm not going to give in just because my H can't see the value of saving his marriage. I'm not going to let him decide my morals and values, I'm going to fight the good fight because it's what I think I should do.

All the naysayers out there try to wear me down and I brush them off. "How can you just sit there and let your H dictate everything?" Answer: "What choice to do I have when I want to save our marriage?" "Boy, you sure are a glutton for punishment. You deserve someone who treats you better." I respond: "I'm not a sucker, I'm not going to settle for less than I need and deserve, but I'm also not going to buy into the belief that I should stop working so hard or to get out of a marriage that is not meeting my current emotional needs. I'm in it for the long haul."

[Grace_O]

Well said.

I have to say that I can be pretty stubborn when it comes to long hauls. Interestingly, in isn't about being right....just turning over every rock.