This is the short version of my story. H left me over 9 months ago without explanation. This made for lots of anger and frustration for a long time. I finally used the DB methods and did a 360 and figured he would probably never be back. I bought a house, moved myself and two sons and started to let go of a 24 year plus marriage. Two weeks ago, H called to make arrangments to come clean out his stuff from old house. VM said he wanted to be the man he knew he could be and come clean as to the reasons for leaving me. Told him to send in writing, did not want confrontation. writing admitted infidelity. Once over eight years ago for several months, once with a co-worker for 2 occasions and the last took him two more days to tell me. He had actually been living in the same city as kids and I with OW (also co-worker) and her son as a family. In my heart I think I knew but the reality of it all is very hard. Now H says the last couple of letters I had sent him combined with seeing all of our things boxed up, throw out, etc, has finally cleared his head. He admits the affair (s) occurred because he was lonely and felt I was no longer interested. (I have been working a lot of hours to bring in extra income so he could "Play" I thought that was what he wanted) I guess neither of us was very good in the communication area. He has left OW. He feels alot of guilt for leaving her because he says he now understands what it is he has done. He told her he loved her and now understands it was the attention he loved, not her. Says he feels bad for her because she is all alone (no one new of the affair that they no of) and she cannot talk to anyone for fear of being ridiculed for being with a married man. I really want to work things out with H, however I have issues. How long are the guilty feelings for her going to last? He is trying to transfer to another location for his job so he doesnt see her everyday. How do I get over feeling so inadequate? She was thin, I am not. He says she is pretty and has not told me that in years. She catered to him made him feel he was the center for her world, I need to have my own world that he is included in, but not necessarily the only thing in it. I want to have hope, I want to trust and believe we can do this. I want to let go of the anger and sadness so we can build a better life but I am scared. I am scared he came home out of guilt. He finally saw what he had done to two women and I won because of longevity. Any suggestions? I am really interested in hearing from those of you who may have been in his position to let me know what you think. Thanks guys!!!!
quote:Excerpt fromWalk Away Wife Syndrome: I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different.
Good luck, debra,
Andy
[ March 14, 2002, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: ANS ]
I have aspirations of taking up a thread over here and check out what's going on fr time to time. I noticed that sage Andy referenced my thread so I thought I say hello.
Debra, that guy has to go through a recovery period from the affair. Did he do closure--end all contact (cell phone, email, chit-chat in the hall, etc?. Depending on how long he was involved will determine how long it takes him to get over the fantasy--the emotional "love"--whatever it was that the affair emotionally fulfilled. Our C said that my H had to "grieve the ending of a relationship". In their situation, she was the one who ended the A.
You HAVE to detach from this. To the best of your ability, that is. For some of us that means avoiding OR talks at all costs. For others (me), the OR talks served as a rekindling of stagnated communication.
In my sit, it is time to back off and watch the seeds grow.
We're 6 months into recovery (count 1 month for every year of marriage)and H finally did closure. I think it's set us back to square one because it "hurt" when he said good-bye. She's fresh in his emotions; I have to be patient.
I'll be rereading DB while my H is on travel this next week. I'm revamping my goals. It amazes me how I receive new meanings and lessons fr Michele each time we make it over one of the bumps in the relationship.
Oh. . .expect and accept that your H will not feel those 'loving feelings' for you. He had to squash them so that he could bond w the OW.
I'm learning (thanks to Andy) that it's the actions not the words that will demonstrate H's return of caring.
I never thought I'd say this but ILY now seems so very cliche.
Good luck and chin-up!
My mantra: I will be strong; I will be dignified; I will be competent.
If that fails, there's always chocolate (just joking, I can't have it)
The time of "closure" to me is when the spouse says that s/he is finished w the A. They need to understand that any contact (phone, email, conversation, etc) is poison to your R.
That closure, whether done face-to-face w the OP or solo by the spouse, signals the beginning of recovery.
The recovery period will last at least as long as the duration of the EA/PA.
I will use my D as an example.
At age 20 she formed her first EA with a guy. They dated for just shy of a year then broke up, more his choice than hers. She was heartbroken. All her hopes had been placed in a projected future w him. He moved on within 3 mos; it took her almost a year to recover enough to be interested in guys as dating material again. She tried to pursue by befriending his sister and seeing him while out w her friends. It only hurt more when she realized that he was seeing other girls and that her pursuits only made him laugh. She came out of it a little wiser, a whole lot stronger, and more decerning in what she wants out of life. . . .and with who she will emotionally bond with in the future.
Now I apply that formula to me. Married 28 years. Conflict/withdrawal probably goes back 14 years. Combined EA/PA maybe was 6mos to 9 mos.
Books tell us that the recovery for your R is one month for each year of M. Use the bomb date as the start. Books tell us the start date for A recovery is when the A is disclosed and ended. It took my H about 5 months to finally go ahead and do a solo private goodbye 'cause she never contacted him to have that talk. I am going to count it as a contact, though, because I know it emotionally hurt to admit that it was over. It would have been better if she'd just told him that she was done w him but nothing is ever easy. Anyway, I put his recovery back to zero based on the good-bye date. Now, if she shows up in May, and they chit-chat, he's back to square one again. Every contact is poison. Maybe that's why it's advised to change jobs or move away.
Meanwhile, the clock is still ticking on the R recovery that started in Sept. I can only assume that those recoveries can overlap when one of the mates is making changes and working on the R (DB!!!!)
It's a time to make the changes permanent to last your whole life through.
I hope this helps. It'd be so much easier if we could straighten out these messes without having to deal w A recovery but that's the way it is.
thank you do I ask when he has closed off the relationship or wait for him to tell me or how does this work? Originally he said it was over, now he is not so sure and I am walking on egg shells
Remembering that the OW is poison, if we bring up the topic we're shooting our own feet.
I think about the wisest and hardest thing to do would be to "act as if". If he slips, he has to be accountable for it in the mirror. If we slip (talk about the poison), we're justifying boundary slippage.
Remember, I'm only 6 months into this DB stuff and am still winging it w regard to OW.
My H has privately confessed his sins and is sorry for the pain he's caused. At this time he doesn't feel any remorse or regret about the A. In our sit, cause he didn't chose to leave her, this is about right. I guess the remorse will come about the time that his A recovery period is ending (maybe June???).
At this point, my brain is tired of 'thinking'about her and I would like to put her into my past where she belongs.
Which brings up the matter of trust. I can forgive her. I don't have to trust her.
The sages here tell us time + patience. I'd like to add duct tape, lots of duct tape .
Debra & Lily : I hope you don't mind me bargeing into your thread. I am very happy for both of you. You should be proud of how far you have come. I hope someday to be over here too. I have been separated for 7 months, Affair has been going on for about 9 months & H moved in with OW 4 months ago. She is a WAW leaving a H & S. My H broke up with OW & came home for a week in Dec. It didn't last - he was still too addicted to Ow & she wouldn't stay away. You are right they are like poison. My H has not really mentioned D. He is starting to become friendlier & wants to come over to "fix" things. He is being nicer to the kids & has stopped fighting with me. He is still with OW. THey have sstarted going to church together. I can see some positive changes happening, & wonder if you have any advice re his possilbe interest in returning again. How did your H"s initiate contact. I would like to know. Also I see Lily"s H's affair lasted 6 to 9 months - this seems to be average. Debra - how long did your H's affair last? I know my H is living with OW & doubt she would ever let go of him - she is a leech. How do these affairs end? Barb
MY H'S LASTED FOR ABOUT 9 MONTHS. ORIGINALLY HE LEFT WITH NO CONTACT AT ALL FOR US. THEN WHEN IT CAME TIME FOR HIM TO COME GET THE REST OF HIS THINGS BECAUSE I WAS MOVING, I WROTE ONE FINAL LETTER THAT BASICALLY SAID YOU CAN RUN ALL YOU WANT BUT YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY UNTIL YOU CAN ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. THE LETTER COMBINED WITH SEEING OUR HOUSE ALL PACKED UP HIT HIM HARD HE SAYS. THE FIRST TWO WEEKS HE WAS ALL INTO PUTTING OUR LIVES BACK TOGETHER NOW HE IS MOPING AROUND SAYING MAYBE HE HAS MADE A MISTAKE, THAT IT WAS SO EASY WITH HER, ETC. HE STARTS COUNSELING ON MONDAY. I HOPE HE CAN SEE SOON THAT HIS LIFE WITH HER AND HER SON WAS JUST A FANTASY, EASIER, BECAUSE IT WAS NOT HIS HOUSE OR HIS CHILD. THE SPELL WILL HAVE TO BE BROKEN BEFORE WE HAVE A CHANCE. I AM TRYING TO BE PATIENT AND LOOK AT THE LONG TERM, BUT IT IS VERY HARD. GOOD LUCK TO YOU. WE ALL NEED IT.
