It is so great (and scary) to be here. H and I were separated for two years, H moved back 2 weeks ago. My H and I were already separated six months before I found this board (you can find me in the "We're Separated" forum), I did many backslides, and I sure don't want to screw up again, especially after working so hard (both of us) to get here!!!
My fears are: I am having a hard time believing that he is back truly for me, and not just the kids; although when we were separated, he said he would only come back for "us".
I have been reading through many of the postings here, and from what I gather, patience is the key, let the returning spouse set the pace, and don't expect too much too soon. It's all baby steps. Do I have this right? I checked out the DB book, but there is nothing in there about the reconciliation process. Does Michele's new book, Divorce Remedy, provide this? How do you build the trust, when will my anxiety go away? I thought for so long, I just want him home, I just want him home. Now he's home, and I didn't realize all the fear and anxiety that I'd be feeling. Having him home (I am so happy to have him here), is just the beginning, correct?
Hi Optimistic, I don't belong on the Piecing thread, but just wanted to say how happy I am you're here. I know you worked very hard at DBing, and it finally paid off. My best to you and don't worry about everything too much. You've done great so far, so just keep up the good work.
If he told you he would come home only for "us," not merely for the kids, believe it. For a long, long time I thought my h came home only because his apartment lease was up and he missed the kids. It took me a long time to have faith him. It influenced how I related to him.
Dont' make that mistake! I think any insecurity you feel communicates itself to the other person and can make you look clingy and unappealing. That, or you act kind of mean because you don't yet trust the other person.
He's home for you. He had the guts to leave once and to stay away--if he comes home for you, believe him!
And yes while you are happy to have him back, remind yourself about 5 times a day that HE is the lucky one--you took him back when a lot of women might not have and you stood by him when a lot of women might not have. That makes you worth your weight in gold!!!! He's the lucky one, Lisa. Don't you forget that.
There probably are some good reconciliation books out there, you might do a search on Amazon. Also, most of the DB advice still applies: do what works, if something doesn't work,change it! Figure out what is going right when the 2 of you are getting along and do more of it.
And also: a little mystery. Do what you did when you were dating and when trying to win him back: take pride in your appearance, try new things with your hair and clothes (guys seem to like this), and KEEP DEVELOPING YOUR INTERESTS. If he hears you talking one night and says, "I never knew you were interested in World War II aviation tactics," just smile sweetly!
Don't ever appear desperate. It's ok to need him and it's ok to express that need. But the minute you start thinking he is worht more than he is or that you will die if he leaves again, it does something to your radiance. It dimishes you. You hold your chin up and keep reminding yourself, He's one lucky man.
Optomistic- I am just visiting this thread-I am usually in Midlife Crisis, but I thought I'd come over here and talk to some people who have been through it all and have had their spouse return. OF course my main question is what did you do while he was gone? Did you pursue him at all or just leave him alone? My H has been gone for 4 months and it has been very hard-He has said he will not file or D, and there is no other woman. My problem is I have not been able to let go. I will call him and plan get togethers which he will do most of the time, but there are huge walls up-he is not ready to come home-is afraid nothing will change. I have told him I will do anything to work it out, but he won't commit to anything right now. I just want to know how you handled yourself after he left and what you did or did not do to contribute to his wanting to come home? I would appreciate info you can give me! RACHAEL
Great to hear from you on this forum. I'm not quite used to being here are you? It feels a little weird (I do love it here though). I can't tell you Sky, how much your words mean to me. It was just the pick-me up I needed. Wow, sometimes I can't remember what I was like when we were dating. The difference was that back then, I was just ME without thinking about being ME. Sky, there is something I haven't shared with you, because I am trying oh so hard to forget. H told me before he came home, that he was in a "relationship". He ended the relationship because he wanted to try with me. It was like being stabbed with a knife, and I felt this painful-like heat rising through my body. I never dreamed he was dating anyone. And then I think, I must be an idiot. We were apart two years, what did I think would happen? I told him I dated also (somewhat of a white lie-I met an old friend for coffee a few times-I wouldn't exactly call it dating). Anyway, it hurt. Other friends who have not been through this would not understand. They'd say, well you WERE separated you know. It does not hurt any less because you were separated. Anyway, I find it even more difficult to build trust after knowing this. One of my best friends saw my H with her. I'm happy she didn't tell me at the time. It would have KILLED me I think. And, it would have changed my attitude towards my H. So I gave her a HUGE thankyou. She finally told me after I told her that H told me he was dating. She decided to tell me because she wanted me to get the idea out of my head that she was some kind of beautiful, sexy goddess (which is exactly what I was picturing). My friend couldn't believe that H was actually with this person. Not only did my friend say this, but so did her H and several other people at the party. I feel mean saying this as well-why does it matter what someone looks like anyway, but I'm glad she wasn't attractive.
Wow, sorry to be so long winded. I'm trying to look at the positive. He was in a relationship, and STILL he chose to come home, so I guess she couldn't have been so great. I guess I want everything to feel "natural" with us RIGHT NOW. I find myself wondering if he thinks about her, is he happy, is he doubting his decision? All this is kept inside of course. We have not had any relationship talks since he came home.
Sky, about how long did it take before you felt comfortable with each other again? Do you feel free to give him affection whenever you feel like it, or do you hold back?
I'll look forward to your reply. Love you. I think of you so often. I'm thinking about your father, and I hope you are coping. Did you quit your job? One more thing-I do need to remind myself that I'm pretty teriffic. I get so caught up in who he is (handsome, smart, successful, and he gets told this quite often through business (heck he was in the paper the other day) that it diminishes me inside. I need to work on this. Love you.
Rachel:
Hi Rachel. Although my H is home, please understand that I don't yet feel like a successful DB yet. That will take some time. I will answer your question though. When my H left, I'd say for six months or more, I would go through patterns of being great and happy around him.These happy times would last a few weeks, and it gave me expectations, and we'd have the dreaded "talks" which he absolutely hated, and would set us back miles. It would takes us days and then weeks to recover from these talks. They accomplished absolutely nothing.I wanted the pain over with, and I wanted it over with NOW. My best advice to you is LET HIM COME TO YOU. It feels much better. Be your best, happy self. Go out, focus on new things. Take the focus off of him. Have him wonder why you are so happy. Don't be so available. STOP, STOP the pursuit. No relationship talks. Be his friend, with no expectations. It's a lot of work. My H needed to feel safe with me again. I needed to stop looking at him as my H because that meant I had expectations of him. DROP the expectations. I know, I know how hard it is. Fake it till it feels natural to you, and it will. I hope this has helped.
Thanks-you have reiterated what everyone has been telling me but has been so HARD for me to do which is to stop pursuing him-calling him, etc. He will get together when I call but it means nothing-he is not there mentally and can give me nothing emotionally right now. He is stuck in limbo, and unitl now I have been stuck there with him. Well, not any more. I am going on-doing things spending time with friends,and my kids. He does not sit at home either but he is still angry with me as he sees me as being the source of all his unhappines. I have been so pitifully available to him he has not even had a chance to miss me. How long were you separatd? What scares me is the thought of him getting involved with someone else. He is not right now and is not the type, but the longer you are separated I feel the greater the chance of it happening? It really scares me but I am not getting anywhere by this pursuit I have have been on. So did you wait for your H to call you? DId it take him long? I am afraid it will take mine a long time because for him to call me would mean him showing me he cares and I don't think he wants me to know that right now. Since he left he has not taken any responsibility for our R at all-it has all been me trying to talk to him, entice him with sex, nothing that has made him want to come home yet. He has said he does miss being home somtimes-I was suprised he even said that! He will tell me he loves me if I ask him but I have stopped that too. Bottom line is I just have to wait-wait or him to make a move towards me. It will be hard but the other way did NOT WORK and I am takin gthe advise finally of the wise people on this bb that have been through this-my case is not different-I just thought it was. Best wishes to you with your H at home!!! Rachael
Thanks-you have reiterated what everyone has been telling me but has been so HARD for me to do which is to stop pursuing him-calling him, etc. He will get together when I call but it means nothing-he is not there mentally and can give me nothing emotionally right now. He is stuck in limbo, and unitl now I have been stuck there with him. Well, not any more. I am going on-doing things spending time with friends,and my kids. He does not sit at home either but he is still angry with me as he sees me as being the source of all his unhappines. I have been so pitifully available to him he has not even had a chance to miss me. How long were you separatd? What scares me is the thought of him getting involved with someone else. He is not right now and is not the type, but the longer you are separated I feel the greater the chance of it happening? It really scares me but I am not getting anywhere by this pursuit I have have been on. So did you wait for your H to call you? DId it take him long? I am afraid it will take mine a long time because for him to call me would mean him showing me he cares and I don't think he wants me to know that right now. Since he left he has not taken any responsibility for our R at all-it has all been me trying to talk to him, entice him with sex, nothing that has made him want to come home yet. He has said he does miss being home somtimes-I was suprised he even said that! He will tell me he loves me if I ask him but I have stopped that too. Bottom line is I just have to wait-wait or him to make a move towards me. It will be hard but the other way did NOT WORK and I am taking the advise FINALLY of the wise people on this bb that have been through this-my case is NOT different-I just thought it was. Best wishes to you with your H at home!!! Rachael
You said something that is very important: that when you dated him, you were "ME" without thinking about being "ME." When one has been through the rejection of separation, it is hard to be oneself again if you did not build up confidence while he was gone that, dammit, it was not all your fault and no matter what you did wrong, you should have been extended clemency rather than be left.
You be YOU. Fix what needed fixing in the relationship, but don't beat yourself up or try overly hard. Marital love should be unconditional. You should not have to live in fear that you will be left again if you do not please him. It took a long, long time for me to get past that fear myself. And once you do, baby--you are liberated!
I am sad and stricken to hear that there was a relationship. I don't think my H was involved in anything, he says he was not, but that changes the picture for you. It means now that you have to live with the pain of infidelity--and it's infidelity whether or not he slept with her. And it does not matter if you were separated--separated is NOT divorced and does not give the partners freedom to date!!!
I can't stand to see your little heart be killed again. But here it is, and it is to be dealt with. In time, my guess is that you will want to know more but if he's not forthcoming right now, don't push too hard.
This does not mean that your separation was any "worse" than other separations or has less hope of repair. Not at all, and don't you think so. It does mean however that as a woman you have to deal with this revelation and it is a revelation that wounds grievously. IT HURTS.
I would advise you to talk with your counselor about it straightaway. I fear it will eat you alive if you do not.
Before my H left, I think he was playing footsie with a girl on the Net and he did go to meet her once while visiting a relative who lived near her. This was well before we separated and it was probably the final straw that made me not really care what happened even when he decided, that time, that he would stay. (Oh thank you for staying, Master, we only have a new baby you know!)
Later he said that she was really just a friend (I still didn't like that) and that he did regret even going to meet her. Good enough. Took me awhile to get over it, but I did. The really bothersome fact is that all the time he was silently building a case against me--all the time he was planning to leave--he was putting in time online with this woman rather than working on the marriage or looking as his role in our problems.
Lisa, in all honesty as your friend, I hear in your words somehow--and correct me if I am wrong--that you still maybe don't think you deserve your H. That you give him more status than you give yourself. You must never think that you are any luckier to have him back than he is to have you!!!! While it hurts to be separated and rejected, you must learn that your worth does not come from him. If he wiped you off his feet tomorrow like dirt, that is HIS loss. When you get that mastered, you will be less at the mercy of fearing he will leave again. HE DOES NOT DETERMINE YOUR WORTH.
Talk to a counselor. I can't say it enough. And if you are grieving very deeply, I say it again: take an anti-depressant for awhile (you don't have to tell your H). It does not make your problems go away, but it will make your mental and mood machinery function better so that you can cope. THIS REALLY SAVED ME AT MY LOWEST POINT--individual counseling with a counselor on my side (not our idiot marriage counselor who advised him to get an apartment) and medication. Trust me!!!
There's one other thing and it might not be much comfort but I hope it is: he did pick you. Over her. That he even sought her hurts, but he was confused and he made a common mistake. YOU, YOU, YOU. Now YOU have to believe in your worth, regardless of his actions.
Now wonder you have a hard time trusting. This makes it harder. Harder, but not impossible. When you begin to really believe in your worth and that you can cope with whatever he might do--because none of us have any guarantees about out mate, they might leave again or look at someone else--you will change in ways that communicates a new self-respect to him.
And Lisa, dear one, when you value yourself there is no way he cannot. (unless he is a total cad, and it's unlikely you would have married him if he was)
Rachael, my friend, stop the chase, as you have been told. He's confused and the harder you clutch at him, the more he will try to get away. Back off. Have come CONFIDENCE in yourself. Develop a life outside of him. In time, if he has any interest in the marriage at all (I bet he does), he will get curious and begin to lean your way.
Don't make the mistake though of dropping phoney hints about dates or things contrived to inflame jealousy. That could back fire badly while you are separated.
You need to read right away Dr. James Dobson's book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. I'll wait while you order it on Amazon.
Did you? Good. You don't have to share all of Dobson's religious beliefs (though they sure couldn't hurt)to get the jist of what he is saying. If you ARE CONVINCED OF YOUR OWN WORTH and communicate self-respect, your mate is going to be influenced. And if you give him plenty of space--after all, that's what he wanted!--he will run out of rope soon enough.
Read the book, girlfriend. And hang in there. This is not over yet.
Lisa, hon, I fired off my earlier long reply to you midway through your message--I was that eager to write--and didn't answer some questions you had.
Have not quit yet, soon though--in just a few wks I think. Many work-to-home Moms have told me they NEVER regretted it, so I'm excited about the chance. Missing dad so much and realizing more than ever how very SHORT life is and why, in the words of the old Carly Simon song, I haven't got time for the pain!!!!!
And neither do you.
How long before I felt free to give affection? Oh it was a long time. I think I was cold and standoffish for awhile. I think we finally had some huge argument where he blurted out, I did NOT come home just to quit again! and I said, amazed, You didn't?
For a very long time I simply didn't believe that he came home for me. I thought he did it for the kids.
Ok. My H is a success too. It's new and has come on in heaps. He jets here and there, is wined and dined, quoted by top news services, wears tuxes instead of sports coats, and so on. He deserves it, after working hard in the trenches, but it does something to a man. Their heads swell, let no one tell you differently. King of the jungle. And here I am, seriously wanting to drop my career--which is with a Fortune 500 company--to be a little housewife! I will have to combat the insecurity of thinking I am nobody while he travels and meets interesting people (and interesting women, no doubt). I hear you on that one.
I say the same: the more you value yourself, the more valuable you are to others. You must think yourself every bit as smart and successful and attractive as he is. Work hard on this!!!!
