i'm clueless....

[ann25]

soooo... i decided to start a new thread.

I'm clueless... i think that the title is absolutely perfect for how i'm feeling.

Here's a link to my last thread... Starting to get it thread

Anyways. I just kinda feel lost. I'm doing pretty good at the whole standing up for myself thing. I had a bit of a health issue that caused some babying from every one (H included) for a few days, but i'm healthy and doing better now and, apparently, no longer important. That sounds bad, but that's just kinda how i feel.

I feel better about myself than i have in a long time. Probably the best i ever have. The lady that I'm seeing is just awesome and has really been encouraging me to take better care of me. I put a lot of focus on my family and taking care of them, so i end up neglecting myself. It would be nice if my H would try to help me, so there was more time for me, but no expectations, right! For now, I'm making sure i spend some time each week (30 minutes or so) just doing something for me, painting my nails, sitting in a bubble bath, girlie stuff... hehe. It's nice.

I guess i'm just sitting in limbo right now. Kinda floating somewhere in between sad and angry and accepting in my M. If that makes any sense. I go from being confused to thinking i understand to moments where it all feels hopeless. I'm scared of shutting off again. I feel like i could be shutting off my emotions kinda and don't want to get to that point. Sometimes it just really hurts to think about all this and i don't like it. I wish this was easier... i know we all do!

I'm totally clueless as to what will help my H to see me differently, to see that our M is worth a little effort and time, but I guess i can't worry about that. His anger and the way he handles it is starting to get to me. He had a rough day at work yesterday. I was supposed to go to church last night, but H needed to work late so I didn't go. I made him dinner and cleaned house some. I just wanted for him not to have to focus on that. We all sat down and I could tell he was short tempered. He yelled at the baby. I normally don't stop him when he is dealing with the girls, if i have an issue, we talk about it after cause I'm all about having a united front, but I had to stop him. She is just a baby and doesn't deserve his anger because he had a bad day. All she wanted was some milk... no reason to yell at her... anyways. Then, after i get them to bed, he just lays on the couch and practically falls asleep, then goes back into his office for another couple hours. It's kinda just been random outbursts from him like that lately. We all have bad days, but he can't let every day be bad. I'm worried about him slinking back off into his office rather than spending time with us and I'm clueless as to how to help him or talk to him about it.

When he's angry and takes it out on me or the girls, i address it, but it doesn't change anything...

Just trying to deal with everything and take the very best care of my girls that i can!

I hope everyone is doing well.

((((you)))))

ann

[W2G]

(((Ann)))

I wish I could offer some advice that would change your situation. It sounds like your H is angry a lot of the time and that you kind of walk on egg shells around him.. I believe I read in one of your earlier posts that he won't even consider C.. am I right? I guess all you can do is continue to focus on you.. make yourself as happy as you can.. and your little girls too..

I haven't finished reading it but am finding it interesting... but have you read Why Mars and Venus Collide?.. Maybe this would be helpful reading for you?

Good luck!

[Tomato]

Hi Ann

We still gotta get around to our comparing notes business.

"I guess i'm just sitting in limbo right now. Kinda floating
somewhere in between sad and angry and accepting in my M. If
that makes any sense. I go from being confused to thinking i
understand to moments where it all feels hopeless. I'm
scared of shutting off again. I feel like i could be
shutting off my emotions kinda and don't want to get to that
point. Sometimes it just really hurts to think about all
this and i don't like it. I wish this was easier... i know
we all do!"


I know that feeling all too well and it is a rotten one. The only key differences being that I do not share kids or living space with my W.

My thoughts and prayers are continually with you.

[ann25]

Hi all -

I have a close friend at church that basically knows all about our R. She has been a great source of encouragement and strength for me and there are times that I don't think i'd even care if it wasn't for her! Anyways, H and her H are kinda buddies, so we went to their house for dinner this last weekend. We got to talking, just sharing our pasts, getting to know each other. Her H shared some pretty personal stuff as did she, so when it was my turn, I kinda laid it all out. It made me cry, but it felt good to say how i was feeling in front of other people with H hearing. Maybe he'll believe it since i told other people. who knows.... so when H went to talk about how he grew up and life in general, everything was just sooo normal. In regards to EA, he understands and just wants to make the M better. My friend emailed me later and told me that now she sees what i mean when i say H won't deal with it. It was nice to have the back up, but part of me was really hoping he'd use this as an opportunity to get something out. I know I'm not supposed to have any expectations, but I'm still not very good at that part. At least he said he still wants to work on it, even if nothing is realy being done.

Other than that, just more of the same! Limbo...

- where2go and tomato - Thanks for stopping by and for your encouragement. I am really just trying to focus on the things in me that I can make better and control and taking care of my babies right now. Don't get me wrong, I am still doing all my wife stuff, but I'm not playing his little games with him. For instance: night before last, I was taking my time for me after I put the girls to bed and he got upset about something that had nothing to do with me, so I responded by saying that I didn't know and ignored the rest of his rant. I don't need that kinda stress right now.

[Dom R]

Hey Ann... gald you've found some "real-life" support for yourself. that must be realy nice

...
Don't get me wrong, I am still doing all my wife stuff, but I'm not playing his little games with him. For instance: night before last, I was taking my time for me after I put the girls to bed and he got upset about something that had nothing to do with me, so I responded by saying that I didn't know and ignored the rest of his rant.

Mmm.. you're still playing his game. you're just not being as active a participant.
Allowing yourself to sit there and be a target of inappropriate rantage, is still "playing his game".

HOWEVER: I think there's a difference between a spouse ranting AT you, vs a spouse 'sharing'.
In a really dumb male way, he might be trying to 'share' his feelings of anger at other people. Men sometimes do that.
Think of it this way:
Some women, get together with other women, and "have a good cry" about things that are bothering them.
Whereas some men, get together with other men, and "have a good rant" about things that are bothering them.

If you arent emotionally geared to deal with that sort of behaviour from him, that doesnt mean you have to deal with it.
However, IF you think that's what he might be trying to do... that might give you motivation to attempt to ... redirect? his communication style in some way with you.

In other words.. if he's trying to "share".. then just ignoring hiim, is actually "bad". in that it shuts down his attempt to communicate and share with you. So maybe ask/convince him to alter the communication to use other methods?

If on the other hand, he really is using it as an excuse to get mad AT YOU... then in my opinion, it is bad to allow him to continue that. Even if you just sit there silently and dont fight back.
Better to stand up for yourself and tell him what he is doing isnt appropriate.
It may be difficult for you to do. but it will result in a better relationship between you, i think.

[ann25]

I guess taken out of context, it would look bad, but i guess it was just because the whole night he had been upset and kinda on edge and after asking him if he wanted to talk or tell me about his day or anything, he said no.

To me, that means he doesn't want to talk to me. Fine, Not letting it bother me because i can't anymore. I can't worry about why he's throwing a fit and why he doesn't want to talk to me about it.

So, at one point, he gets up to do something, got frustrated about it and then tried to give me a hard time about it. I explained to him that it was not my fault and that he didn't need to raise his voice to me.

Later, he did it again and he asked about where something was, i told him i didn't know and left it at that. It's not so much that he was getting angry at me, but that he was yelling and cussing and just being a brat about it really. So I chose not to say anything else.

I do understand your point and appreciate it. It is definately important that 1) i keep lines of communication open, even if he's not expressing it well and 2) stand up for myself when he is just getting mad at me for no reason. I think in this case, its more him getting upset and where i normally would have gotten up and found whatever he was looking for or tried repeatedly to figure out what was wrong, I just answered his quesion and left it alone. It may seem like a game, but for me, it's really the only way for me to keep functioning and not fall apart when he does that.

I really care when he has bad days and I want to be there to encourage him and support him and help him get through them but if he doesn't want me to, I'm not going to take part in his frustration and anger. If he choses not to share his life with me after I ask, then that's his choice. i can be an amazing wife to him if he would just give me the chance.

[Dom R]

that sounds like a really healthy newfound attitude for you. i hope you stick to it

[Tomato]

greetings ann,

just thought i would let you know i was thinking about you and will be back on here after i get some rest to post some thoughts on our 'mission'. I hope the 4 of you + your ride-along are fine.

Lord continue to grant us the strength to overcome our adversaries.

[Tomato]

I am hoping and praying you're doing well along with the rest of the family.?

let us know

[SameButDifferent]

Ann,

Haven't been on-line a lot, but I was thinking about you today and wondering how you're doing.

I hope you and family are all making it through the winter OK. (I know 'winter' is different for you than us in New England!)

Quick update. We're doing great, W is expressing confidence in our future, we're communicating like we never have with each other. Big challenges don't seem insurmountable and we are working together so much more. Everything is about 'what works or worked, how can we keep doing what works, and what do we do to replace things that didn't work?' and we are BOTH thinking that way.

Long story short, we've gone from ILYBINILWY to spontaneous ILYs, hugs, etc. and we're making significant plans for our future (as in moving out your way, we both love the Santa Monica area.)

You are one of the folks I credit for giving me encouragement, and even some direction. I don't know when I'll be back on again, but know that I appreciate it and wish the best for you in your journey!