just posted this over in piecing. Hoping my friends will read and respond as I could use some connection just now:
ok, here goes. Been lurking but busy and perhaps feeling sorry for myself and a bit (LOT) down so the energy to reach out just wasn't there. We've had a couple more rounds of counseling, not bad, not good, but I think "understanding" is surfacing. On my part that means realizing that:
the one thing spouse seems unable to forgive me for was being sick. (don't gasp, it will make sense in a minute) Prior to A I was depressed (it runs in my genes) and in need of a med check but didn't do it. (surprise, depressed people need help and suggestions sometimes) like many on our end of things I was NOT pleasant to be around. My problems were both situational (mother with Alzheimers and a young child - hands full!) and chemical (pass the prozac but let's mix in some other drug too) So, short version I WAS SICK.
Spouse grew up as a caretaker to an ill parent. Children who do that do NOT grow into adults who are willing to make sacrifices. They have already done that. They also take care of themselves first as adults because they had to take care of themselves as children. Although my illness didn't look like the typical "sickness" I was ill. Spouse and I have discussed this at length in private and in therapy but she never gave an inch...I was wrong and why didn't I do something? (how dare you break your leg when you fell down the well, dammit?!?!")
So I was pondering the other day and thinking about how spouse is just not forgiving (I've known this for a long time, some folks are more flexible than others, no surprise here) and what was it that she just wouldn't let go of???? Then like a ton of bricks it hit me that the thing she couldn't let go was my illness. Being sick. See the correlation? Sick mother, sick spouse, been down the sick path before, not going again, no, no, no...I carried this around with me for a week or so just looking at it, taking no action.
Last night we're in the hot tub(some people talk over dinner, we talk in the water) and she says "I have something to tell you". Ok, tell me. "I thought about it today and I thought ok, what if I just forgive her? What if I just let it go? She was sick and I can just go on and get over that. I need to forgive you"
How I kept from gasping I'll never know. She went on to say that in yoga class she got to thinking about forgiveness and started crying and wondered why (she NEVER cries, I ALWAYS cry) Then she realized that she needed to forgive herself for not being there when her mother died. She took care of her for years as a child and young adult but when her mother actually died spouse wasn't there (at the hospital). So she decided to forgive herself as well.
And as long as she's sharing the bounty she even decided to forgive OW. Seems they left each other last on rather rude terms with nasty words. (fine by me) So she had sent a two line email to OW to tell her she forgave her. (not so fine by me) hopefully this will REALLY piss OW off, but that's just my dream.
Then she says "I know you're probably thinking I should ask for your forgiveness but if I said I felt like that I just wouldn't be telling you my truth right now. So I'm just telling you my truth". Ok, I wasn't actually thinking that but now that you mention it...but I didn't say that. I thanked her for telling me her truth and for forgiving me.
So just when you think things will never change...whew. Fresh air!
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Stubborn, At least she's giving some serious thought about forgiveness. But even more important, she's definitely working her way through her own problems.
That talk was definitely a positive step in the R process.
so it's bomb time again. I finally got out the words "if you need me to be the bad guy I can" and by golly that seems to have opened the floodgates. Quotes: She's leaving and someday I'll see what a great partner she really was. I'll go find my "get it all " person and that person can live with our daughter while partner will not get to do that, all because I won't accept what she has to offer (ie, really good committed roommates, financial stability, good parenting but NO SEX or commitment that that can be worked on)
I, of course want to throw myself on the ground and scream "don't cut off your nose to spite your face"....but my rational mind says the one big thing I did wrong was talk her out of leaving the very first time she said she was going, over 2 years ago. My heart is breaking, my mind is in a fog, I don't know whether to initiate any conversation...I'm a just getting by.
Happy Mother's Day to me. BFD.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
