(I've a post in Newcomers called "Overwhelmed... where to begin", but I think that this might be a better forum for some of my questions)
H and I have been married for 2.5 years, were together for 3 before that and have known each other (on and off) since we were kids. While we had problems, mostly with communication, they didn't seem insurmountable or any worse than anyone else's.
Things got bad last August when he realized that he was also in love with a mutual friend of ours (who returned his feelings). He decided he still wanted to be in our marriage, and scaled back slightly to a "just friends" level with her. We discussed counselling, but he wanted to try and work things through on our own.
December, he needed to get away to think about some things (he is coming to terms with newly discovered self-esteem issues and not paying enough attention to his own needs). He went to the house where this friend lives with two other friends of his for a week. He felt happy and at peace there, and realized that he hasn't been feeling that way with us. He came back, and after a month of indecision, decided that he wants to work on OR to get it back to being happy and good.
We have started seeing a therapist (been twice so far).
I am reading lots of books and trying to work on myself. He is doing lots of thinking and trying to work on himself.
But we still aren't communicating very well together (sometimes are better, but sometimes it turns loud and nasty). We aren't yet working together as a team on issues - it feels more like we are each working on our own things (but not sharing what they are with one another) and still faulting the other for changes we would like to see made but don't feel the other is responsive to making.
It's getting frustrating and tiring, and I don't know what to do from here.
I moved my thread over here at one point and Duchess told me to stick w Newcomer's; the more experienced DB check there regurlarly and you might miss their expertise if you're not posting there. I'd suggest that you read the stuff here and if something strikes a chord then post on that person's thread. They might respond in their thread or go see yours in Newcomer's.
My thread sort of snapped when I realized H might come visit the bb.
This is real hard and I wish you didn't have to deal with this. My H and I have been married more than 28 years and I wish that we'd gone for counseling years ago when H felt we should seek help. My hope for you is that your marriage is having a 'reality' check and that necessary Emotional Needs changes can be made now so that your marriage will be stronger. If I'd only known way back then what I know now. . .
You've been reading, that's great, keep at it! Let me also recommend "Relationship Rescue", by Phil McGraw.
It was helpful for my H and I to learn to communicate more effectively. Also, it helps for each of you to individually identify what you can do to help the relationship.
