S16 told me that H asked him if OW could come with them on their fishing trip they are taking during Easter break. S15 told H that he was Ok with this. I'm not! S16 said it's been 4 months since H walked out and S16 is ready to get on with his life. He understands that I'm not but that shouldn't stop him. I explained to S16 that H and I are still legally married and that H shouldn't be asking such things of S16. That it's not appropriate for H and OW to be going on a trip with S16. What do I do?
H and I aren't legally separated (no papers filed) so I don't believe that I can have an L do up papers stating that non-related persons of the opposite sex can not sleep overnight while in the presence of the minor child.
Do I confront H regarding how this isn't appropriate for our S16 to be subjected to.
I'm concerned that if I interven by either talking to H or getting and L involved then S16 will resent me and not feel secure in talking with me. I don't want S16 to think I'm interferring with his relationship with his father.
S16 believes that he has hurt me but he also doesn't want to disappoint his dad. S16 thinks I'm mad at him but I tried to explain to him that I'm not mad at him at all but I am mad at his dad for asking if the OW could come on their trip.
H is the one that keeps saying not to bring the boys into this. Look what he's doing!
WHAT DO I DO?
P.S. This is good for a laugh. H and I paid off some credit cards yesterday. I again explained to H that it wasn't fair that I help pay off credit cards for things he's charged for OW (dinners, gifts, things to fix her home). That he should pay for those things from his 1/2 of the money that was left over after we paid of H's credit card for non OW charges. H said that he didn't spend anymore on her than she did on him. WTF?! Did he really just say that!? WTF?!
It might not mesh with your feelings, but you are hearing your inner wisdom:
Quote:
I'm concerned that if I interven by either talking to H or getting and L involved then S16 will resent me and not feel secure in talking with me. I don't want S16 to think I'm interferring with his relationship with his father.
You can talk to your H and tell him your concern, but it you are too strong, your intuition is probably right. It will probably hurt your son.
It's ironic that he's doing this, but if you speak up it will hurt your son's relationship with dad more.
Let your H deal with those moral issues with your son. Your sons are a bit older too. They know right and wrong and kindness and unkindness now. But they love you both.
The truth is you can't control it...so don't try. It would most likely cause you more heartache and your kids more heartache. Concentrate on bringing as much love into yours and their lives as you can right now. As tough as it is, nurture their relationship with their dad as much as you can. They will eventually love you even more for that. And when your H comes to his senses, if he has any sense, He will love you more for that too.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.
What brings you joy?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I am a newby here, but I can say how I and my S are reacting to the same sitch. I am older tough and my S is too. I am 4 month's after bomb too. My H is asking from beginning S22 That he like that S22 is joying his NEW life with OW and her family! (2 kidds, D18 and S16) S22 is always refusing, but has a lot of contact with H. They are sailing thogether and in between they are seeing each other at S22 house and have dinner out. S22 is telling me that he won't see her because his dad and she had have an afaire for almost 1 year before telling everyone.(And making plans for the future with his mom). S22 is telling me also that he is pretty angry about the easyness of doing all this stuff and not bother for feelings the left behind one's. And also he's mad at the whole IL familie who are already going for dinners with H and OW. S22 said why is that so easy? Why can he do the things he is doing with the support of them? So the kidds are struggling a lot. My H is always trying to make me say things to S. About his study, about his refuse to meet her (he actually did, but told her that if she would come over with his dad to sailing or somewhere else S would be gone!Even if there must be a race done!)about his skiing trip with me (too much money!, but H has invited S on his skiing trip with OW) and so on! I am always asking H what he is meaning with the questions precisely and than I am saying that I don't have the same trouble but if he likes he must be telling that to S22! So I am not interfering anymore! And you know what. H never complanes to S22 about anything of the things he was complaining to me!Not a word! Yikes, its as if I am making all the complanes up! I try to let it go because I can't do anything about it! Only say to S that H is still S dad and that H is doing his best to keep the contact. And also that it is only S22 desision to meet OW. (My heart is bleeding for that part because I HATE the whole idea!!) But I have to let it go, I know that. Its not fair, they can start a new live and where are the LBS? We have to let go everything!
So here is everything going very fast. Next week I have the 2th appointment with my L for advise for settling the money and look how long D can be delay! H is pushing very hard for me to accept his offer and I won't whitout advise.
I hope I have helped you a bit. Thake care of you and your 2 boys. Tell them they don't have to choose between theyr dad and you. OW is an other story! I am sure you can handdle this.
Hugs. Merel
H50 Me50 S22 M23,T34, living together before M7 bomb end10/07 Moving out within 10 minutes after bomb OW12/06
H has been after S16 to meet OW 3 weeks after he left. I believe he's trying to justify the OW by showing S16 how great she is. OW likes to hunt and fish (S16's hobbies). I have gone hunting with S16 but not fishing (I'd rather sleep in a little!).
I've decided to let it go. H hasn't even mentioned the trip to me. Maybe when he does I'll suggest that S16 is only trying to make H happy by meeting OW. Would this be OK to say?
I'm so lost and confused right now. I feel like H has me on the ground and is kicking the crap out of me.
SG - what makes me happy? Good questions. I love to see my boys smile and hear them laughing. Me personally, I've lost touch with myself so long ago when I became a mom. I've been working on my GAL goals. I should give this question more thought.
Today is S16's birthday (he's 16 today). It's also OW's youngest 7th birthday. H is not spending tonight with our S and the family. He's "out of town" a/k/a with OW. My S would be so hurt if he knew.
Well folks, I'm done. I can't continue the way things are. Everyday I find out something new and more devastating. I've seen another attorney that I'm going to use. I have a good feeling about him and he's cheaper than the others.
Thank you to everyone who has been here and given me encouragement, support and great advise. I really appreciate it and couldn't have made it this far without you.
I'm greatful for DB and for the things I've learned along this journey. I still have a long way to go. But, DB will help me maintain a healthy relationship with the father of my children should they choose to have one. If they ever learn everything that their Dad has done I don't believe they will.
Whenever I get into another relationship, I have this knowledge that I've obtained from DB and this great board that will help me through any problems that may arise.
