Excellent reading IMO. I found the intro the best part, she concludes (as I long suspected) that both parties in the SSM have to examine their behaviours and work to resolve the major issues. Action by one is futile. Of all the success stories I have read about, it took this to make progress.
I think this is the most difficult part of the process, getting the other side to acknowledge that they may be contributing to the problem. I have spent the last 3 years understanding the dynamics of the situation, and trying (sometimes unsuccessfully) to fix my own bad behaviour towards my wife. Now, we seem to be entering a new phase of her talking about the details of why the disconnect came about, and her real feelings. She would always talk about things that were bugging her, but not about how we/she could do something to reduce the distractions and preoccupations that seem to be derailing intimacy. Sort of a superficial bitch session, of course I knew all this but there was nothing I could do about it other than provide tea and sympathy. Which is nice but doesn't achieve squat.
This process is slow, painfully slow. I feel if I can communicate my POV and have it recognized, that will be another milestone. Reading the Julia Gray blog reenforces the idea that my wife probably has not thought through what it is like from my perspective, so she has no real idea of what is driving me to do this.
I think she is still stuck with a stereotype of male sexuality. For instance, yesterday I gave her a back rub. No overt sexual signals, just a rub. This morning I said I could tell she had lost weight, she has been taking Phentermine and was desparate to shed some pounds. I never, ever say anything about her weight or appearance, unless she is looking esp. hot or something. She said "sorry I didn't feel up for it last night". Huh? I didn't expect anything to happen, but I guess she feels guilty about it. She can't relate to the idea that I am very happy with giving her a massage or spooning and then not having sex. It doesn't compute. If it's not IC, it's not sex. This is one thing I need to work on, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
