Moved out Sunday...very upset.

[JennyB]

H gave me the old "not in love any more" speech back in August, after almost 2 years of marriage.

Lived for 7 with no touching, living separate lives. He consistantly says this is the right decision for him.

I finally could not take it any more, so I went to back to good old mom's.

We share a dog, so that and the house are the only connections right now.

Any suggestions?

I'll follow up with my history...

[JennyB]

Just some background for those who are interested. This is what I posted in "Newcomers" back in October of 2007...

Well, here goes...

We started dating at 21. We were quite passionate, loving, and spent a lot of time together. I was very insecure, and it caused many arguments. He was always very loyal, and loving, but I could never quite get through his wall. As time went on, we would fight more, and he would be less affectionate, and want to have sex less and less.

We broke up at the 1.5 and 3 year marks. Both times, he said the reason was that he was not in love with me anymore, and both times it was out of the blue. When we did reconcile, he professed his undying love for me, and everything would be great.

Most of our relationship has been lots of laughing, loyalty, and enjoying each others company.

Just after our 5 year anniversary, he asked me to marry him. We got married, and about 1.5 years into the marriage (April 2007), he says the I love you but not in love with you speech. After he said this, we still spent a lot of time together, and enjoyed each others company. I started applying the DB techniques even before I knew about them. 2 months later (June 2007), he said he was wrong, and was in love with me after all...

From June on, we barely had sex, or kissed. Mid August, he received an email from his ex girlfriend (from highschool), saying she was moving to the other side of Canada, and she wanted to reconnect with old friends before she left. He asked if this was ok, and showed me the email from her. Before he left, he told me he loved me more than anything, and that I was the only one for him. He went for the weekend to meet her and some old friends. When he arrived home on the Sunday, my gut was telling me something wasn’t right.

On the Monday, I checked his email, and saw an email from her saying that they needed to talk, and that she was worried about him, and she couldn’t get out of her mind what had transpired between them. She wanted him to get in touch as soon as he could. I thought I was going to be sick when I read it. I went home and confronted him about the email. He denied that anything happened between them, and said he had called her back about the email, and had agreed to meet her. After I confronted him, he called her the next morning and cancelled, telling her that I had read her email, and was very upset about it. It took me another 4 days to get out of him that after a night of partying with their friends, he had actually stayed at her house, in her room, and they had kissed.

I wanted her side of the story. So I called, texted and emailed her. I specifically wanted to know if they had slept together. No response. After the 3rd email from me, she finally responded, and their stories were the same. She said she never wanted to speak to him again, and said it was very apparent that he loved me very much.

I of course was sick over this, and when he should have been apologetic, he seemed angry and cold. Just over one week after he told me he loved me more than anything, and that I was the only one for him he told me he wanted a divorce, and was not in love with me anymore. He said I relied on him for my happiness, and that we had no passion together, and that I have no passion in my life. His reason for not wanting sex was that he wasn’t as emotionally connected to me as he once was. (He does look at girls on the internet though.) He said he just doesn’t want sex as much as me. He continued to sleep in our bed, until I kicked him out 1 week later, which he was very upset about.

He says he is convinced that this is what he wants. Yet, in the last 2 months, he has not done anything to move things forward. Every time I suggest moving things forward with looking into divorce (him living somewhere else), he flips out, and says he can’t wait to get this over with.

This week, we told our families that we have been separated for 2 months. They are all shocked, but they are all very supportive and want to help us both through this.

I also have to mention:
He suffers from SAD (seasonal affective disorder).
He owns a successful business, and even though does well financially and he is home a lot of the time.
When he is home, he sleeps, watches TV, or plays video games.
I am convinced he might be depressed, and have told him my suspicions, but he won’t go to a doctor.
People close to us are asking me if he is depressed.
We are both 28, and have no children.
Every time we have broken up, I have been the one to chase and pursue him. He has grown accustomed to me chasing him.
For the last 2 months I have been trying to apply the DB techniques, and I am doing what makes me happy.
He is always very nice to me, and we get along quite well.
We plan to put the house up for sale in the New Year when the finances are better.
I have not put any pressure on him to stay.


Should I throw in the towel on this? I still love him, but I can’t continue to go through this cycle.

So, that’s the story. Sorry for being long winded, I hope I didn’t bore all of you...

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[JennyB]

Today, I decided to move back to my Mom's. It has been 7 months since he told me he wanted out. We are leading very separate lives in the same house. I finally broke today - I can't bear it anymore. Everytime our situation comes up, he reminds me that he does not love me, and wants out of the marriage. There is a lot of anger and resentment coming from him, yet he has not taken any steps in 7 months to move things forward...

Some days I'm positive this is the right thing, but others, I feel hopeful. But I'm starting to forget why I even want him anymore. We were so good, and then it just changed for him.

We have had an agent in to see what we can get for the house. We have talked finances, and I have started packing.

I have asked him if he has started dating anyone, and he says no. I am not dating anyone either. I believe as long as we are still married, I should not date.

I wish I wasn't as hopeful as I am, but I can't seem to help it.

More input would be appreciated. I've been crying for the last three days.

[Dom R]

Any suggestions?

if you want a divorce; it sounds like he's probably cheated on you, so file for divorce.

if on the other hand, you want to save your marriage;
move back in.

I started applying the DB techniques even before I knew about them. 2 months later (June 2007), he said he was wrong, and was in love with me after all...

...

Everytime our situation comes up, he reminds me that he does not love me, and wants out of the marriage.

It sounds to me like your biggest problem with your marriage, is that your H has no idea what the purpose of marriage is.
It sounds like his idea of marriage is, "two people should stay married, only so long as they 'love each other'"

Which is exactly backwards.

if that were was it was all about.. there would be no point for marriage in the first place!
Two people who feel like they "love each other", are going to stay together, marriage or no marriage.

Marriage is a commitment, not a feeling.
Marriage is a commitment, to stay together, and work on keeping things positive between you, even at times where you dont 'feel like' doing so.

Marriage exists, as a recognition that feelings do NOT stay the same. They come and go. That's why marriage is a commitment, not merely a public declaration of "I love you"


If you can convince your H to change his view on marriage, then you could have a chance at a good marriage, I think.

(you might try one of the various weekend crisis marriage retreats for that: retrouville, marriagebuilders, etc)

[JennyB]

Thanks for you reply Dom,

I truly believe that he did not cheat on me...

Do you see any benefits in me being the one to give space this time, sonce I was always the one to chase? Do you see any good in a separation?

[Dom R]

You can give someone space, without moving out.

Moving out (actually MOVING/living elsewhere, as opposed to just spending a night elsewhere to cool off), i view as tantamount to saying, "I'm completely unhappy with our marriage; unless things change, i am going to divorce you".

if that's not the message you wish to send, then I would move back in.

If it IS the message you wish to send... then stay where you are.

other comments:

- If he didnt actually cheat, i think he was intending to. When people break up a marriage because "I'm not in love with you", it's almost always because they are "in love" with someone else

- Yes, I definately think it's time that you stop chasing him. You may have to just "let him go", and see what happens.

ie: you may actually want to stay where you are, if you want to be hard-nosed about it.

However, I personally would want to at least attempt to discuss the new idea of how marriage should work with him first (if you agree with my earlier summary of it), and a request to go to one of the weekends together.


I think that married people should always attempt to discuss something FIRST, before resorting to more extreme measures.
(where "discuss" is actually a two-way street, rather than, "here's what I want take it or leave it")

[JennyB]

I have been at the house with him for 7 months, and we live separate lives. He knows how I feel about all of this.

As far as he is concerned, he is done, and there is no discussion about it.

This is the most painful part - I feel like I have to finally let him go, I'm just fearful of what he might do in the meantime. I guess it's just part of the process.

When things like this happen with us, it's always out of the blue, and I have no say in it. It's like he gets into the funks.

The only good thing about me being out of the house is that now he can finally see only the good that I want to show him, and not the enemy he perceives me to be.

Do I "go dark", and just deal strictly with the dog and the bills? Or do I make conversation?

[nate75]

It sounds to me like your biggest problem with your marriage, is that your H has no idea what the purpose of marriage is.
It sounds like his idea of marriage is, "two people should stay married, only so long as they 'love each other'"

Which is exactly backwards.

if that were was it was all about.. there would be no point for marriage in the first place!
Two people who feel like they "love each other", are going to stay together, marriage or no marriage.

Marriage is a commitment, not a feeling.
Marriage is a commitment, to stay together, and work on keeping things positive between you, even at times where you dont 'feel like' doing so.

Marriage exists, as a recognition that feelings do NOT stay the same. They come and go. That's why marriage is a commitment, not merely a public declaration of "I love you"


If you can convince your H to change his view on marriage, then you could have a chance at a good marriage, I think.

Dom...that is so true. Thank you for sharing that insight. The question I have is...isn't it imposible for a LBS to "change" the view that the WAS has on the marriage? Doesn't that have to come from within the WAS?

Nate

[JennyB]

i agree - i'm not sure how I can change his view...lost on that one.

[JennyB]

I feel like I can't go home - I want to see if he misses me. I don't know if it's too late or not.