Here is H's letter to me, maybe it is a violation of his privacy but oh well. Any input would be appreciated...
Bobbi,
I really do not know where to begin and I have been there for a long time now. I am stumbling along searching for every next step. I am tired, I am broken, I am lost, I am not happy, I am frustrated and I am severely disappointed with how my life is turning out. Thank God for [censored] and Nate. I truly believe that without them around my time on this planet would have been cut short by now. I no I have hurt you and am hurting you and though it seems perculiar I have never had that intention. I have just been very selfish and self absorbed but at the same time very unhappy. It is not your job to make me happy and I do know we can have fun together we have several times in many places but right now I do not feel fit or deserving of any thing you have ever given me. I hate me. I have done my absolute best at all the wrong things. I quit and f 'ed up my good job in KC and was fortunate actually blessed that something showed up that might facilitate my own personal ressurection.
I can't stop lying to you and have been doing it forever, and to more than just you and maybe that is precisley why I can talk with Doug and Nathan because I let them see all the ugly truth of how horrible I am. I do not feel nor have I ever felt like I can do that with you and several others for that matter. I have to be funnier than I am, stronger, smarter, and better than I am capable of being. I think that is because the real Dan was so boring for the first part of my life and now i feel like I have to be so much cooler than that.
Stephanie has not fixed the problem only complicated the living [censored] out of everything or I would be HAPPY right now and I am not. I know she is not the answer and blame my stupidity and lack of character on most of the sever problems in my life but it is much bigger than her. I know you think it is a copout when I say that I hate women but I do. From theproblems in Wichita to the problems in Boise to the strippers and whatever else I blame my weak and broken nature on how I deal with all women.
With one exception, SYDNEY!!!! I know you say that my actions show that I do not love the kids but I do and more than my own life. I NEED them desperately to keep me sane. Nate is my anchor and that must be draining for him to see me angry and miserable all the time I hate it. I want so much more for me and now my new job sucks too. I cannot not win.
I need time, time away. From you and the world and her and who knows what else but of my own solutions are working and I think it is the only way. I am drained I have nothing left to give and I am burning a very short fuse on both ends. I want to be happy and you deserve to be to it is just that all the things I am surrounded by other than the kids bring me fleeting moments of but eventually complicate my life way way way way more.
I have fallen and cannot get back to who I was and as I cannot remember who that is it will be a long time until I get back there.
I know you I have put up with more than any woman should ever have to and i just keep kicking. You deserve better and hopefully you will find it in me and hopefully you will have enough patience to see if that is possible. Yet, I know I can expect no more from you than I already have gotten and will try my best not to hurt you any longer whether together or apart.
Most of my dreams seem to being falling apart fast and I barely have the energy or confidence to tackle even the most minor of problems. I miss me. I liked me once upon a time and this just sucks.
I do not know if this helps or hurts but right now and for as long as I can remember I am lost, and trying to climb the mountain of fixing me and you I cannot muster the energy to fight.
I do love you. I know that sounds pathetic with all I have done but I do and I hate the way I am treating you.
I do not knowif this helps or hurts but it is the best I have now.
I know you will want to talk to her and her you and I say go ahead how much worse can I look than I do now. I don't much left to lose other than the kids and God help me if they disappear. As ugly as you have seen I am sure she can paint an uglier picture and that you could do the same for her.
I need help and rest and without it I can fix nothing.
I am so angry at him but I see/hear/feel his pain in his words too...man is he struggling. I just don't want to go down with the ship...
Your H is a very hurting man. I know you cant push him to it, but he sounds like he needs some serious counseling to get a target and happiness into his life. Also, he could be suffering from some sort of depression that could be treated.
This must be very heart wrenching for you. You have my deepest sympathy.
I am so sick about the whole thing. Never dreamed this night would happen back when I was standing in a church saying the better or worse lines....
I just wish I knew how it was going to end. I could just cut ties immediately, like tearing off the band-aid. Move out, move on, get-er-done. But to do that someone would have to help me disconnect my heart....
Although I am actually more numb than teary tonight. Don't know what that means. Probably just traumatized/in shock.
Good night and thanks for listening (you know what I mean!)
Never dreamed this night would happen back when I was standing in a church saying the better or worse lines....
Hi BobbyJo
None of us ever did... and in the absence of having any answers, can I ask though that if you manage to harness one of those tornadoes that you send one my way ?
Thanks for making me laugh even though it's a difficult time for you.
you are probably sleeping if you slept at all during the night. I was reading through the threads and got hit from the developments in your sitch. I had to go back and re-read the last few days, see if we should have seen it coming. Nope, I didn't.
The best thing that could happen to you right now is him to move away and it's a blessing that his job gave you this break. Your H is weak and lost. I can see he is not mean or a "bad" person but right now he is not a whole person. He is broken and as a result your are bruised. I am sorry. I am so sorry for what you have to go through.
I can't tell you to hold on. But since you still love him, you must make some brave decisions. You cannot let him drag you down, you cannot "save" him. Nobody can. You don't need excuses, you don't need any explanations. Take a break, give your self some pampering time.
I am always here for you,
Kalni
PS If you need to talk we can find a way to give you my email and IM. This time difference maybe a good thing during restless nights. Big HUGS and my LOVE to you.
I fell asleep on the couch and just read your H's note. Actually i read it a few times. Since I am a guy, I want to try to find a solution for you. I will resist the temptation and simply say that I am very sorry for you and for your kids. Like Kalni wrote above the distance between you is a blessing right now. Take some time for yourself to gather your thoughts, feelings etc.
