I know. But the fact that he won't listen tells me that he may be thinking, too. Let it lie a bit. He knows you want to talk to him. You can't make him. So you have to wait until he is ready.
I'll try not to step on any marbles, in the meantime!
Dar, in the 2 1/2 years that I have been at this, there are probably 4 or 5 times where I thought that I had blown it, whether it was from blowing a gasket,or just letting him know what I really felt. I can remember crying my eyes out, thinking that this was it, he was going to file. Guess what, he hasn't.
I am not saying this is the way to do it, I am sure if I blew up at my H every couple of weeks instead of once every 4 or 5 months he would not be around anymore. But doing it the rare time is like doing a 180, it makes them sit back and think.
Stop trying to call or e-mail him, let him absorb this in. Remember the worst has already happened, he is gone already, do not dwell on what this might or might not have done. You are human, your allowed to let the marbles out (just don't do it too often!).
No saying your H is like my H, but I know after I did these blow-outs he would leave me alone for several days, like he needed time to process what was said.
Hang in there!
I don't want to play this game anymore....
Me - 47 H - 49 D - 16 S - 11 Bomb - Nov 05 "there is nothing here for me anymore" EA/PA confirmed/over - Aug 06 Sep - Oct 06 Does not want to file for divorce
((((dar)))) Actually, I am thinking he could be thinking in a good way. You said stuff that might (I said might) make him think about what he did that got you to where you are. About what his role has been. About how YOU might be feeling.
Leave him alone now, until he is ready to talk.
I'll put any marbles I find in a little bag to keep them safe until you need them!
Yea, but I've NEVER said "I don't love you anymore either! How does it feel to hear that?!" NEVER have a said that when losing it. I was a hysterical mess I tell you. I guess what's done is done and if that's what pushes him over to D then that's silly after all of this.
No, I haven't yet apologized Jeff. I've tried calling and emailing in order to apologize, but haven't actually apologized yet. And I'd rather do so over the phone rather than in email. He's ignorning me now though I guess. I guess it's okay for him to bomb and walk out but I can't lose it 18 months later.
Why are you trying to apologize, Dar?
Is it because you think you blew your chances of having your marriage restored...
Or
Is it because you acted like a spoiled, self-absorbed brat when he's in the physical pain he's in due to his neck (not to mention being on meds for it)?
Is the apology for yourself because you don't want to be without hope (so basically you're ass kissing) or because you genuinely feel you owe it to him, even if it means you are left with NO hope of restoration?
The answer will reveal what's at the bottom of your heart and the center of your motivation.
I can absolutely answer this honestly saying that I want to apologize for acting like a huge arse last night. That I didn't mean anything I said and it's just out of being overwhelmed. That I apologize for acting like a helpless kid when I'm a strong person and that I was stupid and foolish and selfish to lay all that on him.
Hey Dar..sorry you are having a hard time, it must be lonely, with a child to look after as well.
It doesnt sound like you cope at all with NC..I suggested you call someone else instead of calling/emailing him, but you dont mention how you are coping with that, it seems there is always "news" of what he is up to, so you must be contacting him daily?
I think the reason your sitch is still stuck 18 months later is becuase your behaviour is stuck. And yes, he can just bomb and walk off 18 months ago but you cant yel at him...becasue he left you and that was HIS decision. As painful as it is for all of us here, you cant make someone love you.
If you really really want to do what you can to get yur H back (and not give up, as clearly you havent)..you need to start behaving diffrently. Stop calling/emailing him unless it really is URGENT. If you need to arrange childcare, send him a short friendly email about it, sure you can add, hope you are ok or hope your neck is better...but leave it at that, no questions. You are making it easier for him to stay away from you, reading your posts I can pick up how needy you are...and he doesnt want to fill that need, he wants to be free right now. This may change, but in the meantime, you are literally driving him away by trying to cling on to him..its human nature, its not rocket science! Can you try, really really hard to be good to yourself and see if you cant turn this sitch around by actually DBing!?? if you are weak (as I was) - get some support, phone your Mum or friend and pressure?
I am an observer and I am really wanting to help you here and it doesnt look hopeless (he hasnt filed yet) but you need to change something..you change one thing in life, everything changes.
Just try !!?? What have you got to lose, you havent got him now anyway...Thinking of you, I can hear your struggles and loneliness and I feel it too..
I don't know what to say right now. I hear what you're saying for sure. It hits hard, trust me.
Needy is just such a 'bad' word and I don't think I'm needy but I guess I must be because this isn't the first time it's brought to my attention.
thank you for your input Ali when you're struggling as well. I really do appreciate it and will sit on this for a while. I know I have to change. I know it badly.
