Well, nothing new to report. W still keeps her distance, still hasn't decided to sleep in the guest bedroom on her own.
I'm still healing myself.
Went to a school thing for D12. She had to write a letter to her parents to give to us thanking us for our support of her classwork.
In it she also added: Please stop bringing up the "issue" all the time. Thank you.
I know I felt her pain.
W didn't seem to care at the time but when we got home she 'had to go to the store to get some chicken'. She seemed down. We'll see when she actually comes home.
My boys reacted in very much the same way after their father left. Once they got over the initial "shock", they did not want to talk about it. Of course, I was worried about them. This is not an easy experience for anyone. They tried very hard to hang on to normalcy. They wanted to keep doing the things they had always done in their teenage lives. I think at some point they will have to deal with the emotions of what has happened to their family, but that may take awhile. Your D is just trying to keep herself together in a very uncomfortable situation. She knows the score, she knows the players, she knows how this game goes, she knows that you love her.
Give her some space. There will be time later for talking.
Hang in there.
Hugs, Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
The biggest crap I got from both of my boys when their Mom took off was for going on and on about it all the time. They hated it when I was a mess, and rightfully so. But even after I got my act together, I still wanted to talk about it, explain it to them. They did NOT want that. Oh, they listened politely, but they were always glad when it ended.
They just now are feeling safe enough to speak honestly with me about how much it bothered them then. They KNEW I was a mess, and they knew I was trying to make it make sense for them. But they didn't want to deal with it.
The kids suffer the most because this issue always pushes at them to choose sides. And no matter how wacky one spouse is, that spouse is still a Mom or Dad. If the relationship has been generally normal, the kids love BOTH parents. They don't want to feel as though they have to choose sides, or pick the better one. We don't even have to do something explicitly to make them feel this, that's the dangerous part.
Just let them know that you're there.
Let them know that you have YOUR act together.
That's what they need from you during all this.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Yes, I understand now that she'll talk about it when she wants to.
W was gone for 45 minutes. When she came back with the small amount of groceries I joked that she didn't 'get the salt and vinegar chips she mentioned' and she replied that she had to 'go for a drive' first and that helped her to not pick up the 'comfort food'.
So, I guess she was feeling something.
She didn't talk to me any more and after she ate some food she went to the bedroom to go to bed, read, whatever.
This morning she was back to 'pleasant' although she didn't talk to me much. I noticed that the electronic photo frame we have in the kitchen with all our pictures was turned on. and I also saw that the dining room table was tidy and set with place mats and other things 'as if' it was a family setup. It hasn't been 'neatly set up' for a month or so. So she's taken a little more pride in how the house looks.
Still sleeping with me in the same bed. I'm wondering if I should ask her to move into the guest bedroom or not.
Depending upon your emotional state right now, you have the luxury of "just rolling with it." I think it's a good place to be in. We could ask FIB, because I think that's kind of the place he's in.
If you can reach or have reached that point where her words and actions don't cut quite as hard anymore, that's a good place. At the very least I think it's a goal to shoot for in the current situtation with her still at home.
Unless you are just that fed up with her, I don't think I'd shoo her away. She wants to run the show now and drive the direction of this relationship, so I would say let her. You never know.
Not having your emotional and physical well being tied to another means that you can almost kind of observe from above as things unfold. It also allows you to be decent towards her, even though what she has chosen might piss you off.
Again, I think this is where FIB is. You talk to him on the phone and you just don't hear that deep sadness or heaviness in his heart now. He SOUNDS free. I could be reading it wrong, but that's what it sounds like to me. And yet, there he is still sharing the house with the woman he's in the process of divorcing. I kind of think that's the side benefit of him making the decision for the RIGHT reason, and not to punish her or get back at her.
Love's a tricky thing. Most of us (non-MLC'ers anyway) can't just turn it on and off. 10, 15, 20+ years is a long time to share a life with someone. You'd expect some feelings to stick around for awhile, despite what they might have done to alienate you from them.
Ok, now I'm officially rambling.
Just wanted to agree that going with the flow was a good approach right now.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Depending upon your emotional state right now, you have the luxury of "just rolling with it." I think it's a good place to be in. We could ask FIB, because I think that's kind of the place he's in.
He and I talked.
In my case, since W WANTS a divorce and her only 'counseling' is this 'spiritual counselor' who is NOT an MFCC but is helping her release her connections to things that no longer 'serve her greater good'. It's worse than just a friend because she can do more harm.
This is similar to his W going to psychics, Tarot readers, etc. and them doing more harm than good.
Ultimately, that's what W has chosen. Not 'hard counseling' in the real world but some kind of emotional / 'spiritual' journey that is neither. I've been seeing her go from one self help book to the next but pretty much she only sticks with them for maybe a week before she tries another one.
But, her 'Spiritual guru / friend' is advising her and supporting her decisions. Yet the other night I posted about her telling me that at the party this friend was embarrassing her a little and making her feel like she was 'weird, like the friend is'.
FIB says, and I agree, that the ONLY thing that will ever pull W back is if she decides that being WITHOUT Frank is worse than being WITH Frank. Or, as AmyC said 'When will she be afraid she might LOSE Frank?'
Since I can't MAKE her feel that way by doing anything in particular, then it's becomes a situation where the only thing to do is back off some more, accept the marriage is over and work on my own stuff.
We already don't talk much and we 'sleep' together, but we don't go to bed at the same time. The sleeping together is a mystery to me, but as FIB said, it's just part of their confusion and means NOTHING.
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If you can reach or have reached that point where her words and actions don't cut quite as hard anymore, that's a good place. At the very least I think it's a goal to shoot for in the current situtation with her still at home.
Unless you are just that fed up with her, I don't think I'd shoo her away. She wants to run the show now and drive the direction of this relationship, so I would say let her. You never know.
Not quite there yet but I work on it every day. It's hard, as you know. I'm not sure what this 'relationship' is these days. 'Two people working toward separation but being nice?'
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Not having your emotional and physical well being tied to another means that you can almost kind of observe from above as things unfold. It also allows you to be decent towards her, even though what she has chosen might piss you off.
Yes, and this is exactly where I was 2 years ago after the affair ended. I was closer to not caring what she did but still held out some hope. It took 5-6 months to get to that place. I am trying to get there faster.
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Just wanted to agree that going with the flow was a good approach right now.
Since I can't MAKE her feel that way by doing anything in particular, then it's becomes a situation where the only thing to do is back off some more, accept the marriage is over and work on my own stuff.
Went for a drive with D17 last night. She told me that W informed her that we talked to D12 about the 'separation' and that W said that D12 'had no response'.
Interesting.
This morning W put a little handwritten note from her 'Spiritual Friend / Guru' on the counter where it was OBVIOUS to anyone.
Of course I read it. It basically said:
"Dear (W), I want you to know how clearly God shines through you. When I am angry, sad, happy or lost you share yourself with me and help me feel better. I am a much better person since I have met you... ... Your God light shines brightly. May the angels bring you happiness and abundance."
