John, Your W is still very much the alien, lost in her confusion. You speak of her boundaries as if it is your option to help her set them.
Get a grip my friend and control what you can control. Namely, your disappointment, resentment and anger. I suggest you have a boundry setting discussion with yourself. If you can resolve your boundaries while you are somewhat calm, it makes it easier to let W know when she is crossing one without you getting angry. Don't ever try to set boundaries in the heat of battle.
Remember, if she runs again, it's not you she is running from. It is herself and the mess she has created. You can't fix that for her. All you can do is take some of the pressure off. Your daughter can help with this as well.
It sounds to me like you should get out of there for a couple of days and relax without W.
Another thought! Dbing is not something you do when W deserves it. It does not work if you try to use a switch to control it. Dbing is a permanant life change. It takes a while to get good at it. I've been working at it for a little over a year now. The focus of DBing changes on a regular basis. When the WAS is willing to work on stuff, Dbing can be applied to them. When they are lost, we retreat and apply it to other aspects of our lives. You could even DB your daughter some to reduce the pressure. Think about it.
Good post Kent. John, Kent is right. Db or the realization that we do have control over our own lives and the way we react to those in it is a change from winging life and hanging on. It brings a new sense of well being and control of ourselves, where we are headed and what kind of relationships we want. As evidenced by many on this board that came here because their marriage was failing, some get divorced and realize that their spouse would never "get it".
This reminds me of "it" alot. Remember the movis City Slickers. The old dude ranch guy played by Jack Palance? He told Billy Crystals character, who was lost and confused in his life about how he thought his life should be and the reality that it was and who he was, he told him just one thing really matters and what that is, is different for everyone.
Welcome to the journey to enlightenment John. I never thought I could live with such peace in my life even the the world sways around me. I'm finally detached from the everyday BS that life can bring and the people who choose to struggle with life everyday. The people who think the world owes them something just because they were born. Ex LF was like that. Every day there was some kind of drama. Her life was one giant rollercoaster with great highs, but on the other side were botteming out lows. She could have changed all of that if she choose to do so, but she can't. She is so wrapped up in her self and creates a world where nothing ever goes right, no one really loves her or understands her. Her life everyday is a contridiction. For example she says she is very independant. But almost everyday she was on the phone with mommy and daddy, they are the only ones that listen to her myriad of problems which are self created by her very thoughts about her life. She can't see it and at one time I was the same way. Your Wife needs time to see this John, so its best for you to let her. You have probly seen it here many times but you need to let her crash. You rescued her again and look where you are. She needs to fall before she can get back up. Best wishes Ron.
The point that you make about her mess that she is running from is true. We talked this morning and she told me how much better she was starting to feel when she had it in her head that she would be moving into the apartment. So I let go. We told the kids together and it came off positive.
I’ve been talking with my daughter every day about mending her friendship with mom. This will take time too.
I was beginning to find a peace when W moved out and I was at home with the kids. When W moved back, there was tension in the house again because I knew that she didn’t want to be here. When she finally said that she wanted the family again, I let down my guard. Therein lies a mistake. I started acting very loving and attentive. That worked for a couple of days and then she started to distance. I couldn’t figure out why. She was feeling very lonely and that’s when she started to turn around. When I cushioned the fall from her loneliness I started to lose ground.
I had finally felt detached. When she moved back, I attached again.
She can have all of the time that she needs right now. I really want to take the pressure off of her so that she can combat her demons and return to the planet. I just want to be her best friend and she is still seeing me as part of the problem.
I have a question that I'm confident someone here can shed some light on.
Assuming that the affair is over (I think that it is), W says she still has no romantic feelings for me. We cooked and ate dinner together tonight, had nice conversation, we call each other honey (Out of habit, I guess). All sorts of "normal" stuff. Its the close stuff that seems to scare her off.
Do you think that she just has to get over OM before she knows for sure whether or not she still loves me? This may be the impass, I think. If so, should I continue my as if behavior?
Hi John, I think there is a transition time that has to pass where your W mourns the loss of OM and then slowly can return to you. I try to think of my W as a new person, and she needs to fall in love again with you. So you will have to date, form an emotional bond again, and then fall in love and let time bring you together again. I don't think she can "flip on" love for you like a decision. Continue to give her attention, love, and support.
John is right John. Just think. She thought om was all that. Most likely turns out he was just a man, no greener pasture. Gonna take her a while to get over it. I think my ex is going through the same thing. Unlike you I don't think I could handle it if she wanted back. Alot more happened with us. Just be supportive and yourself. Have the attitude of "hey, I could take it or leave it". It works. That drives most of em crazy that you are so apathetic. Takes alot of practice. Ron
It’s incredible because OM was a low-life. I kind of figured that there will be a mourning period. In the meantime she is still planning to move into the apartment upstairs.
I like the apathy approach. It’s what brought her back in the first place. When she called me and tried to tell me what she was doing, I reminded her that we were no longer accountable to each other.
Right now it’s still all about her. She is still the victim and she is the only one hurting. I guess that the grieving process is going to take a bit of time.
I'm dealing with a very depressed woman here. As long as there is no conversation about the sitch, everything runs smoothly. I just mentioned her move this morning and she started to go off.
At that point, I just took her face in my hands and told her that I want her to get better and I am not the enemy. Gave her a kiss on the cheek and left for work. Her mental state is very fragile right now.
I hope that the therapy helps her because my patience is beginning to wear thin.
John, I know it might not seem this way from your perspective but I would just let her struggle with this. Don't touch her or tell her your pulling for her because she thinks there is nothing wrong here. That adults do this everyday. She is miserable and won't realize why till she looks inside. Right now everyone else is making her miserable. She needs to take responsibility for herself and stop blaming others. Your best bet is to act happy as a clam. Do not question her about anything. It will seem like an attack. If she starts going off, look at your watch and tell her you have things to do and smile and tell her to have a great day. Pretend, and act as if. She is lost and if you try to lead her to water you will lose her. Rondo
