W just called to talk about an issue in the house (ants) and we discussed. I turned the conversation to "are you mad at me for something" because she has been very standofish. She snapped. I didn't say another word. Said she was moving forward with things (S), for the four hundreth time. Said no more MC because they can't help us. When I was GALing I did whatever the H I wanted to. It was very uncomfortable in the house for her and the kids. Yada yada yada yada. I very calmly said I had to go and that was the end of the conversation.
She is getting nastier and nastier every minute. I think she is trying to get me to make a move to justify her anger.
"Loose in the socket" meaning, ready to move on, ready to give up, ready to believe her when she says "we made a mistake", or "I never loved you" etc etc.
There are a couple of options for you when she is nasty
engage with her and have a spat. This is probably a bad idea.
Refuse to allow her to be abusive and hang up on her. This only applies when she is just over the line. I've done this before.
ignore it and refuse to get sucked down into her mood. This seems like what you did, and it seems like a good idea.
empathize, listen without being defensive. This is the holy grail. This doesn't always work because sometimes the spouse won't accept what you do. Just gets even more angry.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Just went to S12 basketball game. Everything was fine . Sat together. She was texting and on the phone of course but it did not bother me one bit.
So am I loose in the socket when I believe her when she says ILYBIDLYU or she is moving ahead with her plans for S for the 400th time? Should I believe her when she says this? Should I believe her when she says she doesn't love me that way anymore?
Hard times man. Sometimes I look forward to the day when we are done but I ain't giving up yet.
I don't think she is getting to the point I was talking about. What I meant if after a certain point, if LBS reaches and successfully maintains a level of loving detachment, it's possible that WAS will begin to think they may have lost LBS and regret it. They may then become concerned that they cannot get back even if they want to and become very squirrely about that.
Your W is still mad as hell about whatever she is mad as hell about. Nastier and nastier may be a sign that she feels that she has to do something, but is not sure what that is. This is a sign that you are dealing with a very confused woman who is in great pain. She is also likely very frightened about what she is trying to do, and still not certain it is the right thing for her, not that she will ever admit that to anyone. Nastiness is almost certainly not directed at you, even tho it might feel that way, so don't take it personally. Recognize her pain, and empathize as much as you can, and realize that there is nothing you can do to help right now.
Your MC's advice is a bit pre-mature I believe. W does not want to hear that you are still commited, because it will only confuse her more, and make her more angry. Besides, she knows that because you have made it clear. Lay very low and lovingly detach. Remember, in a MLC this is not about you. It's HER crisis, and you cannot help. Don't take anything personally.
It's very hard to hear all the crap. I used to hear "believe nothing that you hear, and only half of what you see". Take her seriously, have no expectations, and don't take anything personally. Time is your friend. Let it work for you.
I don't quite get your acronym... "I love you but I don't love you any more"??? what??? I got the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you any more..." If that's the case, you gotta try to do what I suggested earlier to tryingman before...
Hear it as "I love you, blah, blah, blah..." the rest is just the noise of her confusion. Take what is good. Let her keep the rest.
It's a standard line, right out of the WAW handbook. They have to learn that one before they get any of the merit badges. Don't take it personally... Heck, she could just as easily be saying "I Love ME, but I'm not IN love with me any more". She has to keep repeating it to believe it, because it's so unbelievable to her. An MLC is not running from you, she is running from herself. She has to stop running before she can come back. She has to learn that she cannot run away from herself. And sadly, you cannot teach her that.
