Andy Thank you for the link. Wow, I thought I was alone on this emotionless roller coaster. You are right on the target when you said about what works or what doesn’t work. It depends on how one sees it. I thought that throughout our 15 years marriage I did lots of things to fulfill my wife’s needs and took for granted that they were working. It turned out that what I did was not good enough to her expectation and I didn’t even have a clue about her unhappiness. However, she did admit that she was hard to please and it was/is in her nature throughout her life. She said that no one in her family seem to get alone with her or like her that much including her parents.
Once we got married, she thought that everything would become like a love script out of Hollywood romantic movie. She didn’t realize that the Honeymoon was over and denied that reality existed.
Andy, about the teaspoon thing, I think I might have used the wrong tool to dig the wall. I think I have to stop digging with a “toothpick” and stop blowing the dusk with my breath instead of using the brush.
What do you think?
rayanne You are absolutely right. I think I NEED a break from all this for a while. Yep, the timeout is in order here. But then, how am I going to do that? I have been doing it for so long that I don’t even know how to stop doing it. I mean when the going get tough the tough gets going. I don’t want to lose the momentum here, but yet I’m exhausted. Right now, a timeout would mean a distance from my wife. That would definitely backfire.
Jamesjohn, I understand “patience” is the key. I have been there and still am. For 11 years, I have been waiting for the moment that I can spend time alone with my wife IN BED and ALL NIGHT LONG. But that hasn’t happened yet, then BOOM the affair. As strange as it sounds, my wife has been focusing most of her energy on the kids right after they were born including having them sleeping in the same room with her for all these years until they moved out to their own room two years ago (That’s when her affair started). So my LonelyAtNight continues.
Zebra, Thank you for the support and kind words. I DID realize that I’ve been working very hard and have seen progress so far, but I still don’t know how to make my goal to become a reality. It seems to be almost impossible or out of reach. That discouraged me. Like I said to Jamesjohn, to just be able to sleep next to my wife in the same room is just a light year away. For those of you who didn’t have that type of experience, I hope you never be in one.
LAN, Your brain is already taking the timeout for you. The flatness of feeling towards your W is it's way of saying that you are being overstressed emotionally. I don't think focusing on something else for a while would do any harm to your relationship. Finding yourself sitting babbling in a closet might, however.
quote:Originally posted by LonelyAtNight: I thought I was alone on this emotionless roller coaster. You are right on the target when you said about what works or what doesn’t work. It depends on how one sees it. I thought that throughout our 15 years marriage I did lots of things to fulfill my wife’s needs and took for granted that they were working. It turned out that what I did was not good enough to her expectation and I didn’t even have a clue about her unhappiness. However, she did admit that she was hard to please and it was/is in her nature throughout her life.
Another brainstorm I had lately (will have to post this on my thread later). I’m sure it’s been said before, but we tend to give to others – not what they want - but what we want. You thought that you were giving to her throughout your 15 year marriage. You weren’t wrong. You did give. You probably gave a lot. Made a lot of sacrifices. Why didn’t she notice or appreciate them? Because they weren’t always what she wanted.
Your W admitted that she was hard to please. Y’know? I’m not so sure. Perhaps she’s easy to please, but wasn’t getting what she wanted. Maybe she didn’t even know what she really wanted, and therefore couldn’t tell you.
Didn't realize until now how you picked your board name. Dude, that SUCKS!! I had to put a halt to the "family bed" years ago. I was the bad guy for awhile, but it was a boundary I had to set for myself. Still happens occassionally, but I can at least tolerate it when it's not a steady diet.
We did spend SOME time not sleeping together when I first moved back home. We both decided it was better if we had separate rooms. She eventually ended up being drawn back into "our" room.
Sounds like your W has some crap from her past she needs to deal with. Try to stay out of her confusion as she's doing this.
I find, at times, that what works for me when things are in a limbo state, is going in and stirring up some crap. Making things worse. Shakes the fence a bit, just have to make sure it's an important issue, I don't do it out of anger, and that I'm willing to deal with the consequences.
Sometimes dynamite works better than either toothpicks or teaspoons. The right tool for the right job. I'm not neccessarily suggesting you do this, it's just some food for thought.
[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I like your new place...I was thinking about moving over here myself...but I feel like it would be a bit presumptious of me (anyone else feel that way?) Anyway, I wanted to wish you the best of luck on your "piecing" journey. You've done well, and you deserve it....R8
"She said that no one in her family seem to get alone with her or like her that much including her parents."
Wow, what's up with that? Does she really think this, or was it a pity-party moment? Is this a realistic perception of hers? Do YOU see any truth in this? Is there a little self-esteem problem going on here? Does she have any friends or other support groups? How "clingy" is she with your children?
Sorry, a lot of questions. It's just bothering me that someone would say something like this, actually percieve it. Gotta be tough on her, could make a difference on the steps you use in this dance, which direction you come from.
Stay slightly detached, take a break, build your strength back up, and hit it hard again later, my friend!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
rayanne, You are right my brain and/or my body might have already taken the timeout. I guess I have been trying so hard for so long that I forgot to take care of my own self. It is hard to fight the inner you to do something that you don’t normally do. I guess I’ve just lost in this pool of emotion for so long that I don’t know how I feel any more. I have to find the strength to push that closet door opens so that I don’t babble any more. Where is that strength?
ANS, I thought about what you said related to what we think we give to others – not what they want but what we want and we don’t realize that. You are right. Maybe we didn’t see it and we thought that we did the good thing but instead it was a bad thing.
Believe it or not my wife DID say that her expectation was too high and because of that she got very disappointed throughout our marriage. She said that I have been a good father to my kids, a good husband to her, but was not the “GREAT” father and the “GREAT” husband. Toward the end of her affair, I DID see one of her journals written about me compared to the MM. She said that the MM didn’t even come close to who or what I’m. All of her friends were jealous about what she has had in term of the ideal family. She has a husband who provides everything she wants financially and domestically. The husband who cooks and cleans, goes grocery shopping, runs errands, pays bills, plans a vacation (books airline, hotel, car rental), etc…The kids who maintain straight A and good behaviors, etc… And on and on… And look at what she has done. She turned around and betrayed her husband.
Andy, you are right. Maybe my wife didn’t know what she really wanted and maybe she’s been spoiled by all this and taken for granted what she has had.
Jamesjohn, Yep, my board name still applies to me despite the warming trend from my wife, but the night still continues to be SOOOO lonely. Well in a sense I should be used to it by now after 11 years of sleeping alone (I still couldn’t figure out what went wrong there).
I don’t know what type of crap she has had in the past but as far as I know I was her first man ever to kiss her and sleep with her until her affair. Somehow she couldn’t take herself out of this deep valley of guilt and resentments. So many times I just wanted to give up on her or trying to save this marriage. I’m pretty sure there are women out there who might love me enough to spend a night sleeping next to me.
Jamesjohn, here are some of the answers to your questions:
LAN said, “She said that no one in her family seem to get alone with her or like her that much including her parents."
Jamesjohn asked, “Wow, what's up with that? Does she really think this, or was it a pity-party moment? Is this a realistic perception of hers? Do YOU see any truth in this? Is there a little self-esteem problem going on here? Does she have any friends or other support groups? How "clingy" is she with your children?”
LAN answers: Yes, she really thinks so and it wasn’t a pity-party moment at all. It is in deed a realistic perception of hers and stays in her mind since childhood. I DO see certain truth in this, especially NOW since I pay more attention to her behavior and her interaction with her side of family. It confirmed that when I spent lots of times talking to her siblings during her affair. Her behavior is also a duplicate of her father’s to the core. The controlling, the hot temper, the “her way” or the highway, the “not accepting the rejection” or the “not willing to accept that she might be wrong”, etc….I think there is a MAJOR, not a little self-esteem problem going on here. Nope, She doesn’t have any friends or support group to talk to because she refused to seek that type of helps. However, she is very good with the kids and the kids are attached to her more than me. It is almost like my wife has been trying very hard to have them closer to her than before the affair. Losing the kids to me if there is a custody fight is out of question. She will fight to the end if needs be.
R8chel, Well, since I’v just moved in to this new place, I don’t know what the outcome would be. I hope for the best, but one of my neighbors (Kent) has already moved out, of course for the best. I’m happy for him and his family. I do hope to see you here someday too.
LAN
[ December 18, 2001: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]
LAN Sweetie, I think you misunderstood me. I definitely was not saying you were babbling! Goodness, I hope you didn't think I was picking on you! Our situations are too close. I would never do that!
What I was saying was that sometimes one has to shut down for a bit when things become too stressful. Otherwise the stress level could get to be too much to handle. I think one's brain does that automatically sometimes.
You are making perfect sense to me, not babbling at all. ((((LAN))))
quote:Originally posted by LonelyAtNight: Andy, you are right. Maybe my wife didn’t know what she really wanted and maybe she’s been spoiled by all this and taken for granted what she has had.
I think we're all guilty of taking each other for granted at some point. We're also all guilty of expecting our SO to be mind readers.
I guess part of DBing is to work on ourselves so we stop doing this. Hopefully, our SO will follow.
quote:Originally posted by LonelyAtNight: Well, since I’v just moved in to this new place, I don’t know what the outcome would be. I hope for the best, but one of my neighbors (Kent) has already moved out, of course for the best. I’m happy for him and his family. I do hope to see you here someday too.
I've put a link here, but we still don't seem to be working together on this. Getting closer (I hope).
I guess we never quite know what the outcome will be. Perhaps, because the destination keeps moving.
As to what rayanne said, I'd only add that sometimes there's nothing constructive we can do. Sometimes it's just time to go with the flow, and wait for the next "phase."
LAN & ANS, I always thought that H should know what I needed. If you had to ask, it didn't count. H on the other had didn't know what he wanted or how to ask. We didn't figure this out until after he had EA and we had split. It sounds so silly now. Well, obviously not too funny but...
