My brief story: It has been 22 months (Feb 2000) since I accidentally found out that my wife had an affair with a co-worker and confronted her about it and my life has been up and down ever since. She ended her physical affair 4 months (June 2000) after I found out and ended her emotional affair 6 months (Dec 2000) later and quitted her job at that time. It has been a year since they lasted contact (I believe) and throughout these past 22 months my wife has never left me even for a night, but she was cold and distant from me. We couldn’t even have a conversation without arguing with each other. So we ended up writing to each other for a while until last summer when we stopped writing.
To make a long story short, my wife has finally become somewhat warming toward me with a decent conversation and concern at the beginning of this summer. During this time, we spent lots of times together as a family going places, walking in the park, biking on the trail, etc…. But there was no physical between us at all, not even a hug, so I felt less and less about her. About a month ago I felt hopeless and distanced myself from my wife doing something on my own or disappearing for several hours before I returned home.
Then, less than three weeks ago after I detached from her for almost two weeks, she didn’t like it and proposed that we spend more time together or about 30 minutes or so talking to each other every evening. At the same time, she also proposed that I give her a goodnight hug before I go to bed every night. This was the first time that my wife willingly let me hug her since I found out about her affair (22 months ago). As a matter of fact she even hugs me back when I give her the goodnight hug every night for almost three weeks now.
So what do you think? Is this a glimpse of hope at the end of the tunnel? Or am I jumping a gun here? I know I’m not out of the wood yet, but at least I see a tiny light so far.
LAN, You already know my opinion. All of us came here with uncertainty. You certainly will hear a different spin on your R than you catch in Newcomers. Post both forums for a while, if you like.
By now you realize how slow this process really is. None of us are home free. This R thing requires ongoing effort.
About a year ago, my step-mom told me that she wasn't aware of any M worth it's salt that didn't go through a crisis.
Maybe it's because by going through all of this krap, we really do improve ourselves.
Isn't that something
In other words, once we discover how to find what works, we keep on doing it. DBing is not just getting your R back. It's getting a new R that can grow.
And that's why a post-crisis R is "worth it's salt"
LAN - Ditto what Kent and ANS said. It is a long process. And, no, that light you see at the end of the tunnel isn't necessarily a train! Stick here with us.
ANS & Kent - Thanks for the reminders about the process and the payoff. Need to hear them every once in a while.
JJ
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KentS, I understand that this R thing takes time and it is a slow process, but how do we know if we are heading in the right direction? Is there a “thing” I can measure or see about the progress? I know it is an ongoing effort but don’t you think marriage is for two people?
ANS, I realize no M is ever perfect. Every couple one way or another have gone through certain crisis, but they also learned from their mistake and improve their R “together”. I do believe that once my wife puts both of her feet in the marriage pool, our R would improve significantly, but for now I think our R progresses as a snail. That’s where I’m afraid of, not that my wife would have another affair or something, but I’m afraid of me. I mean I might end up losing my love for my wife as time goes by and that by the time my wife realizes it, it is a little too late. That’s a force that I’m fighting from within right now.
Jamesjohn, I only hope that it isn’t a train, but I don’t know for sure at this stage. You might not realize until it comes very close and hits you. By then, it is too late. You wrack.
It could be just me. Somehow I don’t feel good about this whole thing nowadays despite the warming trend. Sometimes I feel like I have no feeling left for my wife and want nothing to do with her. I know that detaching from her seemed to work from the past month or so, but I don’t think it was flying very well with her. It worked in term of making her feel concerned about me, but it might build her resentment or anger at the same time.
In a sense, I think I still don’t know what I want exactly in this relationship with my wife. I don’t want to be married to “her name”, I want to be married to her and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life sleeping alone like I have had for the past 11 years.
quote:Originally posted by LonelyAtNight: It could be just me. Somehow I don’t feel good about this whole thing nowadays despite the warming trend. Sometimes I feel like I have no feeling left for my wife and want nothing to do with her. I know that detaching from her seemed to work from the past month or so, but I don’t think it was flying very well with her. It worked in term of making her feel concerned about me, but it might build her resentment or anger at the same time.
It’s not just you, LAL, I’ve been there, and in fact, I’ve drifted in and out of that space quite a few times.
quote:Originally posted by ANS September 11, 2001 10:19 AM on Andy's Story (Page 3): This morning, I awoke at 4AM. I was TOTALLY devoid of feeling for W. I'm not talking about loving detachment either. I had no affection, no love, no resentment. NADA! I felt cold. Emotionless. I've never - not in the lowest of times felt like this. DBing is all about improving yourself. I don't consider becoming an emotionless automaton to be self-improvement.
I've been getting a big kick out of reading the Harry Potter books each night to my seven year old daughter. I've found some nuggets of wisdom in the pages. Ms. Rowling is a smart lady, and she lets Prof. Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwart's School of Wizardry and Witchcraft speak her mind...
"It does no good to dwell in dreams, Harry, and forget to live..." From the first book (and movie), "Harry Potter and the Sorcer's Stone".
"... It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." From the second book, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets".
I think it's variations on these kind of themes that keep us here, and keep us working on our marriages. We recognize our dreams for what they are, and form our goals from the most realistic of them, while we live our lives atuned to those goals and move ahead. We make our choices based on our character, and we choose the vision of how we want our lives to be, and work to make that a reality. We don't give up when it gets too hard, but persevere.
You belong here, LAN. You've worked hard, you've seen progress. You have persevered, and you can count on us for support.
