My H and I were seperated for about 6 months, he had OW. We are back together now and things are going well, he tells me he loves me and we are planning a good future. My problem is, I can't help thinking about him being with her, it is driving me crazy. I want to know what they did, where they went, what they talked about. Am I nuts or what? I think the big problem is he was gone at this time last year and it all is flooding back. How do I handle this?
Hello Kay, There is an excellent web site that has lots of information on surviving infidelity. If you haven't been there already, you might want to check it out. It's called marriagebuilders.com. Dr. Harley, who runs the site, has written several books that you should be able to find either on the web site or at your local bookstore. Loco
I don't have any magic cure or fix for what you're feeling...but boy-o-boy do I know EXACTLY how you feel.
Similar sit, H cheated, lied, ended it with OW, we never separated...are as you say
"....together now and things are going well, he tells me he loves me and we are planning a good future."
This time of year is very hard for me, the bomb dropped about 13 months ago for me-when I found out the whole truth about PA; and the PA itself happened from Sep-Dec 99. I still sometimes drive myself nuts thinking 'I wonder if they were together today' and other various thoughts that I know you are very familiar with.
My H knows it's hard for me, and sometimes I can see more of an effort from him but he wants to just move on and get on with our lives as if it never happened. I wish it were that simple.
Are you able to talk to your H about how you feel? Not asking specific questions about what they did etc., but that you know it happened during this time and you are feeling bad. If he doesn’t get the hint then maybe just tell him you need reassurance from him.
Hang in there...try to busy yourself and not think about him and OW,I just keep telling myself that 'he’s here'...'he's with me'.
Some days are better than others. Do you have kids? I find that trying to busy myself with them and gearing the holidays towards them helps as well.
Anytime you want to vent...vent here-cause I really do ‘know what’cha mean’.
I have two kids (4 and 2) and they do keep me very busy!! I do keep telling myself that he is with me and that is what counts. I guess what I really want is for him to tell me that he never really enjoyed his time away and that he thought about me all the time. I know I'm dreaming.
We have talked a little about things. He swears that there was no OW until he had moved out and that she was just something to do. When he was gone he was good about money and kids.
I guess one big thing with him that seemed to wake him up is he found out I was dating someone (not really dating, couple drinks and alot of talking - NO SEX) he told someone that it hurt him very much to think that he could be replaced so easily and he told me the reason he was gone so long was because it looked like I was moving on and getting along OK without him. When he actually came home he came over one Sunday when kids were with my friend and we talked. He asked me what I wanted to do about D and I told him that it was all up to him, he knew how I felt and did not want D. That's when he started saying how he missed me and wanted to be with us. We talked for a long time and he said he wanted to move home - he then had to tell HER that he was coming home. After he returned, things were awkward for a while ( I did get used to not having him around) but things progressed pretty well. But sinse that time we have not really talked about it, I have told him I am glad to have him home and when he had to go out of town for my birthday he was upset and I said well at least this year you want to be with me.
I guess I am rambling alot, trying to give you bits and pieces to make sense of all of this. To be honest, I'm not sure what I want, I think it is just reassurance from him.
Hi Kay! No magic words here either, just reassurance that your feelings are normal.
My W & I are pretty solid right now, but there are still times these thoughts and feelings hit me. Especially with everything that was going on this time last year. I am consoled in the fact that my W looks back at it as one of the worst times in her life.
One thing that made/makes it difficult for me was that om was pretty much living in "our" house. A lot of ugly reminders for both W & I. She's been pretty diligent in her efforts to fix things up around the house, remodeling, to make it "our" home again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, for me, the feelings come less often, and don't hit quite as hard. It's another patience thing. Keep filling up your times together with good things. Start some new traditions between the two of you. Do some activities that are different from the things you used to do. Keep reassuring him that you're glad to have him home, in both words and actions. Start a NEW life together, and most of the old crap will get pushed out of the way.
Hang in there, my friend. It CAN get better with time.
JJ
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Well, made it through the holidays. Things were pretty good, much better than where we were last year!! I keep telling myself that I am happy, but sometimes I find myself wondering. I think it's just remembering where he was last year.
Another thing that I didn't mention was that the OW lives in one of the houses we rent and also works with my H. so I know he sees her often, her office is about 20 steps from his. So I have to cash her rent check every month and wonder if he talks to her and about what. The other thing that bothers me, is his company always has a dinner dance, the only time we have missed it is when I had my daughter. Well this year we were planning to go and at last minute he changed his mind, and I can't help but wonder if he changed his mind because of her, I'm sure I'm being paranoid, but still one wonders. There have been a couple other times that something similar to this has happened. So all of this floats around in my head.
So I am trying very hard to focus on the NOW and how things are- hopefully that will get me through all of this.
